You've Got Mail: A Cautionary Tale

Chapter 23 — All First Loves Are Painful

Edited by DancingDolphinsYo

Guan Shanjin looked at that earnest face. Although those gentle, shining eyes were looking at him, he was thinking of someone else. Guan Shanjin could not help but pinch Wu Xingzi’s cheek.

“Ow…” Wu Xingzi cried out in pain. As Guan Shanjin had not controlled his strength, he nearly left a bruise on Adviser Wu’s face. He hurriedly let go, feeling completely vexed.

Since he had mentioned going to the capital to participate in the imperial exam, it clearly meant that this was not a matter of recent years. General Guan had long been aware of how much money Adviser Wu had. Who knew how long it had taken him to accumulate that miserable amount of ten silver taels?

This Zaizong-xiong, it sounded like he did not return after going to the capital? He might have died on his journey, failed the exam and was too ashamed to return, got lost in the luxury of the capital, or achieved great results in the exams and found a good marriage, throwing Wu Xingzi to the back of his head.

However, this name sounded familiar to Guan Shanjin. It seemed like this Zaizong-xiong should have entered the emperor’s court, and his position was quite high as well, at least a fourth-rank or above.

Such an unloyal person, what rights did he have to let Wu Xingzi remember him for so many years? And even made him cry for him?

He looked down to see Wu Xingzi foolishly and obediently nuzzling into his arms. His face was still stained with tears, his eyes reddened, but at least he had stopped crying.

Pondering over it for a moment, Guan Shanjin decided to ask about the matter. He could vaguely guess that something had happened to Wu Xingzi then, and that was why he would become so unwilling to be close with anyone. That weiqi match had already made him unhappy. It was true that some people did have an indifferent personality, and they were not interested in competition, always just going along with the flow.

However, Wu Xingzi could no longer be considered just going along with the flow. He simply did not plan on asking for anything, as only by doing so, could he then be at ease. Whether it was a victory, his marriage, his livelihood, or even his own reputation, the first thing he looked out for was always an escape route, and he would never take any step forward.

As such, even though he liked Ansheng, and even bought a jade hairpin in preparation for his confession, in the end he only just buried his feelings that could not be gifted under his bed. If he needed money, he would dig it out to sell it, and he had no reluctance towards parting with it. Wu Xingzi had not hidden this matter from Guan Shanjin, instead talking about it openly in front of him as he dug it out. Finally, he looked at the jade hairpin, sighing, “The colour of this jade is really pretty nice. How many coins do you think it can be sold for?”

“You’re not keeping this jade hairpin?” Guan Shanjin took the muddy box, casually sizing up the dull object. In his eyes, this thing was something an older maid in his house would use, but for Wu Xingzi, it was something valuable.

“I had wanted to keep it, but…” Wu Xingzi bit his lip, swiftly shooting a glance at his wardrobe next to him. Guan Shanjin had noticed it, but did not take it to heart. It was clear that he did not know what Adviser Wu was currently thinking.

This thing can’t be used by the pengornis drawings as well, keeping it buried is such a waste.

“Don’t sell it first, just bring it to Bastion City! Although the colour of this jade is ordinary, as Bastion City is not as luxurious as Goose City, you can sell it for a higher price.” Guan Shanjin replaced the lid on the box, patting the dirt and soil away, before returning it to Wu Xingzi.

“Bastion City?” Wu Xingzi blinked and burst out laughing heartlessly. At that time, Guan Shanjin had yet to mention leaving Qingcheng County, and Wu Xingzi had not asked about it as well.

Now, thinking about it, something did not seem quite right. Guan Shanjin did not understand, how could he have been so blind to everything? However, no matter what, Adviser Wu was the person most similar to Mr. Lu, and he wanted to keep him by his side for a little while longer.

In any case, he had been too negligent. General Guan had mixed feelings about it. He signalled to Hei’er who had been standing on guard outside to come in, and instructed him to bring a basin of warm water as well as a clean washcloth.

Not realising that his mood was different from usual, Guan Shanjin replaced the liquor with tea, feeding Wu Xingzi in little mouthfuls. He had already formulated a plan.

“Xingzi,” He called out Adviser Wu’s name gently. The person in his arms shuddered slightly, bashfully lifting his head up to look at him and gave an acknowledgement.

“You said that you wanted to give me travelling expenses. How much is that?” For scholars who lived further away from the capital, the local authorities would provide a certain amount of subsidies for the travel, and they would also offer the use of a horse. For the scholars of Goose City, it was a three-month journey to the capital. Ordinary scholars tended not to know how to ride a horse, and most would choose to ride an ox cart or even walk there, and fifteen silver taels were usually provided as a subsidy.

Still, expenses in the capital were high. Although the journey might not require fifteen silver taels, staying in the capital in preparation for the exam as well as waiting for the release of the results would require a large sum of money. Travelling a long way to the capital, it was nothing strange for people to have spent so much that they were unable to make their way back home.

Hearing his question, Wu Xingzi squinted. He seemed to be seriously in thought, and it looked as though he had already sobered up. Guan Shanjin was a little disappointed that he might not be able to get to the bottom of the matter, but who would have guessed that a smile would bloom on Wu Xingzi’s face? Wu Xingzi answered earnestly, “I have 8 silver taels here. Zaizong-xiong, just take them all. There’s no need to be bothered by this small amount of money. You’re a great talent, and you can’t just remain among the commoners.”

“8 taels?” Guan Shanjin’s voice deepened a little. This amount was not a small sum for Wu Xingzi. The current amount in his bucket stash was less than ten silver taels only!

“Zaizong-xiong, if that’s not enough, I’ll go borrow some more for you?” Wu Xingzi’s tone was eager, as though he was worried that his Zaizong-xiong would be unhappy. “The county has some taels that are prepared for scholars. Nobody touches it, and we’re just waiting for the day a candidate from the county could successfully go to the capital to participate in the imperial examinations. The taels will be for him to bring some glory for us. Although you’re from Goose City, I’ll try and mention it to the magistrate; maybe he will lend me some?”

Wu Xingzi himself froze after saying that. His eyes rounded, as though he was stuck in a daze. Then he mumbled, “I, I b-borrowed 15 taels for you. Zaizong-xiong, I believe you will definitely achieve great results in the imperial examination, I… Zaizong-xiong, didn’t you get married? Are you never coming back?”

Married? Guan Shanjin felt a pain in his heart. He opened his mouth, wanting to stop Wu Xingzi, as he remained submerged in his memories. However, he was too slow, and Wu Xingzi continued muttering, “I still remember the first time I saw Zaizong-xiong. It was spring, and the peach blossoms outside Goose City were in bloom. I was delivering a letter on behalf of the magistrate and saw you dressed in a confucian robe. Like a pine tree, you were standing there amongst the peach blossom trees, and you were looking far off into the distance. Can you tell me what you were looking at? I’ve always wanted to ask, but never dared to do so, as I was afraid of startling you.”

Wu Xingzi’s face glowed softly, and Guan Shanjin could imagine how this Zaizong-xiong had enchanted the young Wu Xingzi. It was like the world’s most beautiful item, the gentlest words, interspersed with the most gorgeous colours.

He could not help but recall the day he had seen Mr. Lu for the first time. His surroundings were dull and grey, and there was only that figure in white smiling and looking at him, just like the Banished Immortal, Li Bai. This was already more than enough for him.

“After that, I often found opportunities to come to Goose City. Out of ten times, I would be able to see you amongst the peach blossom trees a couple of times. Then, I thought maybe you were a deity of the peach blossoms, and it was all due to the luck I accumulated in my previous life that I could see you. However, the peach blossoms were about to wilt, and I was so very anxious! As such, I gathered up my courage, and spoke to you, Zaizong-xiong…” Wu Xingzi laughed faintly, looking very embarrassed. “Ah, that was the bravest thing I had ever done. Fortunately, Zaizong-xiong, you were very gentle and did not mind that I had offended you like this.”

“Why would I mind? Seeing how foolish you are, who wouldn’t be able to discern your thoughts?” Guan Shanjin snorted sourly. This old fellow’s contented appearance was very irritating, and he could not help but bite his nose.

“Ow… Zaizong-xiong, why do you keep biting me today?” Wu Xingzi covered his nose. In his complaint, a trace of whining could be heard. Although he was a little shy, there was no artifice, and it was clear that he was used to interacting like this with Zaizong-xiong.

“Continue with what you were saying.” Guan Shanjin was feeling extremely gloomy. Adviser Wu had never whined like this to the general before.

“Continue?” Blinking, Wu Xingzi continued obediently. “After that, we became good friends. Zaizong-xiong, you’re gentle and knowledgeable, your bearing is extraordinary, and you’re not someone who should be trapped in a little place like this. Both of us have no families, and my heart aches over your troubles. In this crowd of people, who would understand the loneliness of solitude? Don’t be afraid, I’ll care about you, I’m always caring about you.”

“As you cared and cared, you fell in love?” Guan Shanjin’s voice was glum. Hei’er just happened to return with the basin and washcloth right then. Guan Shanjin glared at him fiercely, causing him to break out in a cold sweat, and he swiftly put the items down and left.

“You’re angry?” Wu Xingzi hunched his shoulders, shivering. He seemed to regain his sobriety, and stared at Guan Shanjin’s face. “Hey, you’re really good-looking. I like your scent.” He then nuzzled into Guan Shanjin’s neck, sniffing in satisfaction.

“I’m not your Zaizong-xiong.” Guan Shanjin pushed him away, soaking the washcloth before wringing it dry and wiping Wu Xingzi’s face and neck. It was so pleasurable that Adviser Wu kept moaning, and he could not stop twisting about in the general’s arms. “Look at your useless little self, you deserve to be abandoned.”

Wu Xingzi giggled. He found a comfortable position and lay there motionless. A drunkard could never be reasoned with, and Guan Shanjin could only be angry by himself. He racked his brain, recalling every minister of the court. He decided that once he found out who that person was, he would never let them off easily.

“Originally, I didn’t know that I liked you.” His arm that was around Guan Shanjin’s narrow waist tightened, and Wu Xingzi continued with a glum voice, “Wouldn’t it be great if I didn’t know it?”

“But in the end, you still knew. That was why you were willing to give him so many taels, right? You foolish thing!” Guan Shanjin could not stop himself and scratched gently at Wu Xingzi’s nose.

“I didn’t expect you to like me. Although homosexuality is allowed in Great Xia, and many people have committed to being life partners, you’re to be an official, and I don’t want to make things difficult for you. But… when I gave you the taels, you gave me a perfume sachet. I’ve seen that perfume sachet before. It was always hung on your waist, and pine trees were embroidered on it. A pine tree that remains upright in winter, it was just like the figure I saw amongst the peach blossom trees, stern yet displaying a peerless elegance.” Near the end, Wu Xingzi’s voice also deepened. There was a vague, weeping quality to it, and his eyes also reddened, but his tears did not fall.

Instead, he said, “I remember you told me that your mother had sewn this for you in the past, and it was also the only memento you have left of her. You were a child she had when your parents were old, and they had always pampered you. They hired the best teacher for you, giving you the best possible life, and although her eyesight wasn’t good, she still sewed such a perfume sachet for you. And you gave me this remembrance, asking me to wait for your return, that you definitely would come back and take responsibility of me… that you would definitely take responsibility of me…” Wu Xingzi exhaled heavily, remaining in a daze for quite some time.

“Don’t think about it anymore, it’s all in the past. You’re drunk, you should sleep for a bit. If not, you’ll get a headache later.” Guan Shanjin was about to tap his sleep point. He could roughly guess what came next without hearing it. That Zaizong-xiong, who said that he would definitely come back and take responsibility, did not come back in the end; instead he married a wife and had a child. He then rose rapidly in court, and did not even plan on returning those twenty-odd taels.

“No, no… I believe you! I really believe you!” Who would have thought that Wu Xingzi would become agitated, clutching at Guan Shanjin’s hand tightly. His strength was so great that the battle-hardened General winced in pain. Wu Xingzi’s eyes were unfocused, but they were bright, and his breathing was fast and hurried. He rambled, “I carried that perfume sachet on me every day. Afraid that people would ask when they see it, I even sewed a bag and stored the sachet inside it, keeping it right next to my skin. Every day I looked at that perfume sachet, recalling your image, wondering exactly what you were looking at amongst the peach blossom trees. Why did I happen across you? I missed you every day, praying to heavens to let you pass with one try. I never wished to be life partners with you. I understand that it’s treacherous in the court, and you have to be flexible with things. It was enough for me to just be next to you.” He sounded as though he was sobbing, but still, no tears fell.

“I waited for a year, but didn’t hear any news of you. That was fine, the capital is far away. After your success in the examinations, you might have many things to deal with. You had no family in Goose City, and it was normal to not have any news of you delivered back home. I waited for another year, and another year… Three winters passed, and I was scared, worried that danger might have befallen upon you. However, I told myself to remain calm, as you were a person blessed with good fortune, and you might just be very busy.” At that moment, Adviser Wu paused again. He had a faraway look in his eyes, and he shook his head slightly. His hand that was grabbing Guan Shanjin’s hand tightened even further, leaving crescent marks on the back of the fair hand, almost tearing the skin apart.

Guan Shanjin did not interrupt. He could see that Wu Xingzi had already been possessed by his emotions. If he did not allow him to vent himself, he might fall into great illness.

It took some time before Wu Xingzi spoke softly and hoarsely, as though dreading something. “During the spring of the fourth year, the peach blossoms bloomed. Since I was missing you, I took a walk amongst those peach blossom trees. On my way back, I wanted to buy a little something for Auntie Li, as you know how she’s always been so good to me. Upon entering Goose City, I heard that a merchant had just came from the capital and was selling some interesting little things.”

“Why did I become curious?” Wu Xingzi mumbled to himself, but there was no answer to this question. “That merchant even brought along news about the Assistant Minister of Official Personnel Affairs, saying that it was someone from Goose City. He said that the person was good-looking and well-educated, and the emperor liked him very much. Three years ago, he had been named a top scholar, and soon gained the emperor’s trust. He was promoted every year, and even married the daughter of the Minister of Revenue last year. This year, he got a child… As for me, I’ve known this long ago… If you were still alive, it meant that you didn’t want to come back anymore. I knew this long ago… However, you still left me a memento, didn’t you?”

A faint smile appeared on that ordinary face, but it looked uglier than when he was crying. He then chuckled, and the more he laughed, the happier he got. He looked as though he was about to descend into madness.

Guan Shanjin reached out to his sleep point. He could not let him continue immersing himself in this pain. This wound was buried too deeply. No matter how apathetic Wu Xingzi could get, he could no longer hold himself back.

However, before Guan Shanjin’s finger could tap the point, Wu Xingzi mumbled, “I saw the perfume sachets the merchant was selling. They were exactly the same as the one you gave me… There were dozens of them, dozens of them… There were dozens of them…” Guan Shanjin deftly tapped his sleep point then, and he wrapped his arms tightly around the cold, sleeping body. He was finally able to confirm the identity of Zaizong-xiong.

The son-in-law of the ex-Minister of Revenue, the previous Assistant Minister of Official Personnel Affairs. The ex-Minister of Revenue had retired, and his son-in-law now became the current Minister of Revenue — Yan Wenxin, courtesy name Zaizong. Born in Goose City, and a current favourite of the emperor. A staunch follower of the Crown Prince, he had once tried to cozy up with the Protector General. At that time when Guan Shanjin was in the capital, he had also received the drawing of Yan Wenxin’s eldest daughter.

Hmph! Damn you, Yan Wenxin!

A smile appeared on Guan Shanjin’s lovely, alluring, beautiful face. Like the devil, it was enchanting yet terrifying. “Once I’m free, I’ll deal with you!”

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