Why Did I Become the Villainess?

 It's already midnight, but I'm still awake. My mind couldn't stop thinking about the choices I made. 

 Am I doing the right thing? Pushing everyone away? For the safety of this world. At the expense of hurting people important to me? 

 I sigh and get up. I don't think I could sleep with all these thoughts coming through my mind. I think I need to get a breath of fresh air. Maybe nature will also help me reevaluating my life choices. 

 I am about to get out of the carriage when I heard footsteps coming in my direction. I immediately froze. Is it the guard who takes turns to guard the place? Does he know that I am still awake?

 I wait for the footsteps to fade away, and it stops. But it sounds like it stops close to the carriage I am sleeping in. I frown. Did the Great Ruler assign someone to guard me tonight? 

 All my questions were answered when I heard a voice outside. 

 "Csille." 

 My eyes immediately widen when I recognized the owner of the voice. It's Prince Fraser! But what is he doing in here? Does he know that I'm still not sleeping?

 "I know you're already sleeping now, but I just want to talk to you." I heard him sigh. "When was the last time we have a decent conversation? I couldn't even remember now," he whispered.

 I sighed in relief when I heard that he didn't know that I'm still awake. I thought he would ask me to talk to him again. 

 I looked at the carriage door and clutched the blanket that is covering me. When was the last time we had a decent conversation? When he isn't yelling or mad at me? Or when I'm not anxious when I am talking to him? 

 I smile bitterly. I couldn't even remember a time when we have a decent conversation after I become the fourteen year old Csille. What happened between the two of us that we're now avoiding each other?

 I heard him laugh in a low voice. "If I'm not angry with you, you're avoiding me. What happened, Csille? Why do I feel like we're starting to drift apart? What did we do wrong to end up like this? Tell me, Csille, what do I need to do to bring us back together? Because I actually don't know what to do anymore." 

 I clutched the clothing in front of my chest. My heart hurts. I don't understand why every word of Prince Fraser is like a knife piercing my heart. 

 Why am I hurting? I shouldn't be in pain, right? The relationship between Prince Fraser and Csille is getting blurry now. He could start developing feelings for the female lead, but I don't understand why I am hurting instead of being happy. I should be happy, right? 

 "Csille? Do you remember the promise we made to each other when we were young?" Prince Fraser paused and took a deep breath. His voice sounded like it's about to break. Is he hurting right now? What promise is he talking about? 

 "I still remember the time when my father, the King, announced our engagement. At that time, all I could think about is how cute you are in that dress. I also remember when you talk about the flowers and even compared me to one. I'm happy because I thought you would laugh at me for my weird hobby. But You didn't laugh at me. You even praised me instead." I heard him chuckled.

 I didn't know that's what Prince Fraser is thinking. That was the time I realized I got transmigrated to my novel and all I think about is comparing my novel to the fictional world. I didn't realize he got happy that I praised him. 

 "At that time, I really thought you hate me because of our sudden engagement. Do you forget the promise we made, Csille? Didn't you say you would never hate me? Didn't you promise that we won't hate each other? But why do I feel like you hate me to the bones? Csille, I don't want you to hate me." 

 I heard his voice crack. I immediately cover my mouth to muffled the sound of my sob. I could still remember every word we said to each other. But even if I don't want to. We don't have any other choice but to break that promise. 

 We were never meant to be together, Prince Fraser. You were never meant to end up with Csille Lauretré. In the future, I'm sure you will thank me for doing all of these. 

 Prince Fraser got quiet outside. I even thought that he walks away while I'm busy forcing myself not to cry. I got startled when he suddenly speak again.

 "Csille, do you still remember the first day of the spring when we were still nine years old? When we were playing at the Palace's garden. When I asked you what would you like to grow up?" I heard him chuckled. "I wouldn't forget your answer then. You said you want to be where I am. You said you want to be always beside me. You even said you would stay with me forever, right? But why Csille? Why are you pushing me away? Didn't I honor my promise to you? I didn't hate you even after all the things you did, and I still want to protect you. However, it's you who doesn't want to talk to me. Why Csille? Why don't you want to talk to me?"

 I heard him quietly sob outside, and I almost want to run outside and hug him. And say to him that I won't break our promise. But I know I cannot. I already heard stories from the spirits living in Kosmo. I couldn't bear to also let it happen in this world. This world who provided me warmth and love. 

 So, even if I want to honor my promise, I know I couldn't do that. I just need to think that in the end, Prince Fraser will be happy with Princess Paislee. More than happy when he is with me, with Csille. So, please give up now, Prince Fraser. Don't expect me to honor the promise we made to each other. It's impossible for the two of us.

 After a while, I heard movements outside. "Csille, I will continue to honor my promise. I know you have a reason why you are doing these, and I will wait. I'll wait for you to come around. Forever right?" He said before I heard him walk away.

 I sigh and wait for another minute before I open the carriage door, and the first thing I notice is a daffodil flower put in between the plank of the wall of the carriage.

 I take it and stare at the flower. Daffodil? The flower of unequaled love. It also means, 'You're the Only One'. My eyes immediately teared up, and I could feel my heart beats faster.

 I don't know what's happening to me, but all I know is that I am happy. That even if I just cried, I still could say that this was a great day.

 I put the flower close to my chest and close my eyes. This is Csille's feelings. I'm sure it's hers. I could never fall in love with Prince Fraser, especially now that I already made a promise with Aaline and Soiartze. 

 I put the flower inside the carriage and set my foot on the ground. I probably need some breather right now. I need to sort out Csille's own feelings so I wouldn't confuse it go mine. 

 I make sure that my shawl is still covering my face before I look around to see if I could find a way where I could sneak out without anyone noticing. 

 When I saw the guard going back to the tent, I immediately run towards the place he is guarding and run away from the place. They probably changed turn on guarding the place.

 I stopped running and grasp for some air. I look around my surroundings, trying to see the light from the place where we decided to settle in for the night. I sigh when I saw the light. I thought I ran far away. 

 I take the knife that I always brought with me and start to mark the trees I pass through. I don't know our location, and if I don't want to get lost, then I need to be wiser. 

 I looked around and realized that we're in the middle of a forest. I look around, and my eyes immediately sparkle when I heard a faint sound of water. Is there a lake in here? 

 I followed the sound of the water, and I found myself standing in front of a majestic lake. It looks so beautiful. Especially it is now reflecting the beautiful full moon. 

 This... this is beautiful. I've done some camping inside a forest in the real world before, but it's the first time I see something like this. It's so beautiful. It's really amazing how beautiful the world could be.

 I sit on a big rock that I've seen on the side and stare at the reflection of the moon in the lake. The lake seems so peaceful, and just by looking at it, I feel like my thoughts and my feelings that are in chaos become so clear.

 I need to set the boundary between Csille's feelings and my feelings, or else I don't know what mistake I could make in the future.

 Am I in love with Prince Fraser?

 I look at the moon and shake my head. How can I fall in love with my own character? Although I've always said before that I want my characters to be mine, but it's different if it's in real life. Prince Fraser is a real person with real emotions. 

 But am I really not in love with him? A voice asks me inside.

 I pause and take a deep breath. Don't I have feelings for him? Be honest to yourself, Ysa. Am I really fall in love with him? 

 Yes, he is handsome and responsible, but he's just fourteen years old. Can I really fall in love with a boy that young? I shake my head. That's really impossible. Also, Prince Fraser has anger management issues. How can I bear to fall in love with someone who yells at me when he is mad? 

 It's all Csille's feelings. Only Csille could fall in love with a boy like that. And oh, even Princess Paislee.

 But if I don't have feelings for him, why do I always in pain when I try to avoid him? The voice asked again.

 I shake my head. It's Csille's feelings too. She's hurting because she doesn't want Prince Fraser to be away from her. Remember the promise they made together? Didn't Csille promise to stay beside Prince Fraser forever? It's her love for Prince Fraser and not mine.

 I sigh. It's difficult to have another spirit living in your body. It's difficult to discern who's the owner of the feeling I am feeling. 

 But Csille's feelings for Prince Fraser are extreme. Growing up with Prince Fraser as his fiancée, Csille already has this fixed mindset that Prince Fraser is only for him and no one else. So, it's understandable if I could feel pain and cry because of what Prince Fraser said.

 It's not my own feelings, but it's the real Csille's feelings. The love she has for Prince Fraser is too extreme that it becomes toxic. She's obsessed with him, and that's also the reason why she did all those bad things. Because she thinks, only she could be deserving of Prince Fraser.

 Yes, it's not my feelings. It's Csille's. The reason why I sometimes feel like crying over small matters is not because of my own feelings but rather the feelings of the original owner of this body. It's Csille's.

 I sigh in relief with the result of what I did tonight. It made sense now. How could a twenty two years old woman cry over such petty things? I thought I just become too soft and weak, but I didn't realize that maybe it's not my own feelings. 

 I hop away from the stone and smile at myself. I feel so happy that finally I already solve the question in my mind. I happily walk back to the site.

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