When Immortal Ascension Fails Time Travel to Try Again

Story 5 Bonus [Book 1 End] - A Beautifully Bad Meal (2/2)

“What you need to do is take this knife and this box,” I said as I pulled jade versions of those from my ring. “Then, you go collect one Snow Pea Pod and one Pepper in the same box. And, if you can, don’t contaminate them with your spiritual energy or touch them with your hands.”

He swallowed. “Fairy Lin... How are we supposed to eat something if we can’t even touch it with our hands?”

I struggled a bit but eventually admitted, “While I haven't studied this field I have heard that there are a couple similarities between alchemy and immortal cooking, much in the same way chemistry and cooking share certain aspects.”

“What’s... ‘Chemistry?’”

“Ah, don’t worry about that... What I’m saying is that you’ll need to balance out the energies of ingredients, and in some cases, prepare them in advance. Also, if you touch peppers with your hands then rub your eyes, you’re gonna have a bad time.”

Realization spread on his face, then he nodded. He probably likened these peppers to the ones popular in mundane dishes. It was actually a decent comparison.

“Collect four of each. We won't need more than that for this recipe…” Probably.

He stared at the two small bushes as if facing a dangerous enemy. Well, he wasn't wrong.

He stepped towards the plants. As he grew closer and closer, I could tell that he realized that there was something I hadn't mentioned. That there was a reason the area around the two looked charred and icy.

He adjusted his position so he stood in between them then quickly collected one Snow Pea pod into the jade box. Because the box was open it started to freeze. His eyes grew wide, and he turned to deftly cut off a pepper.

Then swiftly went back and forth three more times before closing the box and using Consistent Step to remove himself from that situation.

He breathed quickly and shot me a betrayed glare.

I grinned. “Yes, this was a test. And you passed.”

“What was it a test of?”

“Although your cultivation hasn't increased, your physical body has become stronger and more able to take damage. You’re also using your head, though, you should have realized that the environment was more intense than it appeared from the signs around you.”

He nodded.

“You still have room to improve, but not bad.” I held out my hand for a high five. He reluctantly gave me one. But he wasn’t as reluctant as he usually was. This one actually made a soft clapping sound.

Very satisfying. The kid was definitely starting to adore high fives! Muahahaha!

***

Having collected all of the ingredients, we returned to the cave. Little Spring brought out the cooking supplies he kept in his bag. These weren’t as good as the ones we left in the space, but they were good enough for now.

“Fairy Lin! How do I dry the peppers?”

I frowned... And stared at the box that contained the bright red peppers and the green snow peas.

Well, if I were going to dry an herb for alchemy the fast way...

“To dry medicinal herbs you’d usually hang them up and let them dry out naturally. But there is a way to speed up the process if you need to. This only works on a handful of herbs at a time.”

Of course, there were other more convenient techniques I could use once I reached a higher realm. But I was limited right now.

I took out several stones and placed them in a small secret crafter’s array. Then I placed a spirit stone in the center.

After I strengthened my hands with Qi, I tossed the contents of the jade box up into the air and separated them into hot peppers on the lid and icy peas in the box. I placed the peas off to the side where they could chill the room. Then, using jade chopsticks I placed them on top of the array. The peppers shrank and wrinkled to the naked eye. Once they looked about right, I pulled them out of the array and dumped them back into the box with the peas.

His eyes glittered with excitement. He pulled out the mushrooms that we’d collected to make the mushroom essence.

“The instructions say that I need to extract the essence of the mushrooms and ferment them.”

“Fermenting takes time, you know.”

“But I’ve seen you use a technique that speeds that up.”

I groaned. It wasn’t a speed-up time technique as much as it was an increase in the plant’s rate at which it rotted. Like how apples would stay good for months but strawberries would mold if you looked away from them for a couple of hours. Of course, there were different reasons for that, but it was a similar concept.

I took out the mushrooms and frowned at them. Then I glanced at Little Spring. He looked so hopeful.

With a sigh, I placed them on the folding prep table he’d set up and stabilized with a few pieces of homework paper.

Wait! Wasn’t this table the portable alchemy one I’d purchased for him while we were in the city? Yes.. yes it was.

I sighed. Well, as long as it was sanitized properly it would be fine...

Cringing, I picked the shrooms back up and used the cleaning technique on the table a few more times. I nodded when I was positive the table was spotless.

The kid sighed and looked at me like I was doing something pointless again.

“Hey! Someday, when you fuck up because your table wasn’t washed properly after you handled a material, you’ll become paranoid about this too.”

“Not as much as you,” he mumbled.

I sent a brief glare at him then poured the mushrooms onto the tabletop, then tossed the jade box back into my ring with its lid turned over to let me know that it needed disinfecting later.

I pulled out a small jade bowl.

First, collect the essence. With a few specialized hand seals, I removed the essence and energy from the mushrooms on the table. They visibly became dry and twisted while the juices and energy moved into the bowl I’d prepared.

Next, ferment.

I was pretty sure chefs did this naturally. But, whatever. Worst case scenario we’ll go collect more and wait for Little Spring to try again once the fermentation process was completed naturally.

Then I pulled out thirteen spirit stones.

This meal better fucking be worth it.

I set them up in an array around the bowl of amber essence. This was actually a slightly advanced technique for my current realm, one that required both a crafter’s array and hand seals.

I set the thirteen stones in the formation along with a few other components. Then I formed several complex seals and waited. Slowly, the amber liquid turned black and reduced in size by more than half. Then I stopped.

I handed it to the kid who already had a chopstick out. He dipped it into the liquid and tasted it. Then he tilted his head, took out salt and added several pinches full then stirred with a fresh chopstick. My eyes widened. Did this kid seriously just randomly add salt to something?

Well, whatever. He could deal with the consequences.

He then dripped a drop of the salted liquid onto the one he used before and tasted it. Apparently satisfied, he nodded with a small smile on his face.

I seriously looked into Little Spring’s eyes. “That’s it, kid. These are the only two things I’m helping you with.”

He nodded then took out the book and started to review the recipe.

I went and sat down on a surface I meticulously cleansed with several blasts of the cleaning technique. Then I watched him.

He brought out a pan and bowl and knife. And considering how short he was, it was a bit funny to watch him use everything. But, the table I’d bought him was the perfect height for his short ass.

He began by measuring rice and spiritual water and placing them in a covered pan.

He used the portable alchemy pedestal as a makeshift stove... I wanted to cry.

I made note of every little thing I’d have to get him so he could keep his alchemy supplies completely separate from his cooking supplies.

God damn it! This was going to be fucking expensive.

Once the rice was cooking, he began cutting up several of the vegetables and leaving the peppers and pea pods whole.

I hoped this wouldn’t take that much longer. We eventually needed to head back to the camp where the Junior Sect Leader’s team agreed to wait for me. He’d given us a day before the majority of the group would leave for the sect.

But even if we didn’t make it back, Fairy Jujube had volunteered to stay behind and escort us due to my help in saving her friend’s life.

But, fortunately, this kid had made it back right as I stepped into the cave leaving us a good chunk of time to catch up and play around with immortal cooking.

Little Spring made the flames rise a bit too much and winced. The scent started to fill the small cave.

Seeing him be a (mostly) normal kid made me wonder about his situation in my past life. Something I couldn't help but ask.

Why did the Dumbass Author of this dumbass harem Xianxia choose to take this child and ruin his personality the way he had? This wasn’t entirely unlike other stories I had read, though this take was a little unique.

Had the author, perhaps believed that his adorable and slightly revenge-minded protagonist needed the extra boost to help him survive this fucked up world? Or — in what I considered was the more likely scenario — had he decided to get more popular by suddenly changing his main character’s personality and switched to focusing on a more popular type of Main Character? One that was darker, perverted, and focused on building a harem?

Authors did have to make a living. But was that really a good excuse to turn an adorable kid like this into fucking Bloodsword? I didn’t think so. But I’d also had to live through this twisted messed-up world he created. Maybe if I had actually read his story I would think differently... No. Probably not.

Well, I knew that the author, at the very least, started the story before we entered the sect... Because the incident that made me realize I was in a book and not in a random Xianxia alternate universe occurred during the trial to enter the sect.

But, if all went well, we wouldn’t have to endure that again. I mean, how lame would that be? Seeing old friends and enemies who were now children. Living through something that seemed like hell at the time but would be ridiculously easy to pass now.

It seemed like it would be a bit pointless to face that all over again, right?

Little Spring sat down in front of me, breaking me out of my thoughts. He set my bowl on the stone floor I’d scoured. Like a Yin Yang symbol, it was half-filled with spiritual rice while the other was filled with the Spiritual Lotus Root stir-fry. He handed me a pair of chopsticks.

I stared at the food and examined it. The white lotus root appeared to have gone beyond caramelization toward the charred end of the well done spectrum. The Snow Peas Pods drooped, having been overcooked. The dried red peppers looked like they wanted to kill me with spice in revenge for what I did to them earlier. And the wood ear mushrooms looked like sinister black squiggles, glistening with malice.

“Did you already taste this?”

His lower lip stuck out and he glared at me as if I’d offended him.

Not trusting him, I lifted my eyebrow.

He brought his own matching bowl up, picked up a malice-filled mushroom, and took a bite. It didn’t seem like he was in heaven, but he also didn’t seem to dislike it.

Ever so slowly, I pinched out a bit of fluffy rice and laid a slice of a partially charred Spiritual Lotus Root on top of it. Then I brought it to my mouth and bit down.

It did not taste great. And its spiciness burned my mouth, showing that the ratio between peppers and snow peas wasn’t right.

But it was edible. Barely.

Not letting anything show on my face. I continued trying each piece... Well, at least the kid knew how to cook spiritual rice the way I liked it. And the mushrooms were soft and not actually filled with malice.

The spiritual energy inside me slowly raised. Since I’d used a lot of it during the day, this was helping me to refill what I’d spent.

Once we were both finished eating, I set both my bowl and my chopsticks down. I stared at the kid.

Little Spring squirmed. “What do you think?”

“It did not taste good at all,” I said.

He hung his head. “I... might not have any fate with cooking, after all.”

“Hey! I wasn’t done.”

He nodded.

“It wasn’t good. However!”

He jerked his head up and sat up straight.

“This is your first attempt at cooking spiritual cuisine. And while it didn’t taste amazing, it was at least not poisonous. It didn’t produce any bad side effects. And it gave the person who consumed it a boost to their spiritual energy.

“While not good. It was still edible, which is better than most chefs’ first time cooking something this complex.” I grinned. “Good job. Work at getting better. All it takes is a lot of practice.”

His eyes seemed to say that he didn’t believe me.

“And never say that you ‘don’t have fate’ with anything you truly want to do. It might be harder for you to accomplish than for others, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t find time to practice it if it brings you joy.”

“Yes, Fairy Lin.” He clasped his hands and bowed.

I grinned. And I wasn’t lying about being filled with spiritual energy. Even now, I had to suppress the urge to call on the tribulation lightning... Because I could feel it at the edge of my consciousness, like a giant storm of hatred and heavenly will waiting to finish the job the previous tribulation failed.

This tribulation would not be the normal lightning that a cultivator should experience when ascending from Qi Condensation to Foundation Establishment. This had the same intensity as the one I experienced when I created my golden core in my past life. Maybe even a little stronger than that.

This meant that I actually wouldn’t be able to casually raise myself up to Immortal Ascension like a walk in a park.

Of course, this was just a slightly harder challenge. The heavens couldn’t allow things to get too easy after all.

Fairy Lin and Little Spring will return in Story 6 [Volume 2 Start] - Slapping Faces and Entering Sects

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