Waiting For You Online

He Jin’s mother, “...”

He Jin’s father lowered his voice, “you see, our son has reminded us so many times, since he didn’t want me to see you as someone abnormal. What kind of difficulties haven’t we been through together? Do you think that I’m the kind of person who would abandon you when you’re ill? Why don’t we talk calmly for the sake of our son? Ok or not?”

He Jin’s mother compromised a bit, “what are you going to tell me?”

He Jin’s father, “we’ll talk about something that we never had the courage to face...about He Lin.”

He Jin’s mother changed her expression at once and she lowered her voice, “he’s gone. What is there to talk about?”

He Jin’s father grabbed her hand and tried to persuade her patiently, “Biqin, remember how the atmosphere at home changed after He Lin was gone? The doctor had told us that the incident had left a shadow in your heart. And since then, you’ve started controlling He Jin very strictly. And it went more and more serious each day, you wouldn’t let him out of your control even a bit.”

He Jin’s mother looked unhappy, “isn’t this good? Only a strict discipline can nurture a filial son. It’s all because I’ve been strict, He Jin is much more obedient than his brother.”

He Jin’s father glanced at He Jin’s bedroom and said, “you really think so? But haven’t you also noticed that he’s having some problems now?”

He Jin’s mother felt a bit guilty, “What problems can there be? He’s still young, he only needs to talk to us, and we’ll give him some advice.”

He Jin’s father sighed and said, “that is the problem. Back then, your temperament had tremendously changed, and I thought that time could solve it. I wasn’t paying attention to your emotional changes at all, and I had no knowledge about depression. I sort of let you become this serious.”

He Jin’s mother found it strange, “what does it have to do with He Jin?”

He Jin’s father paused for a while, then looked at her and said, “have you ever wondered if He Jin would grow up in a different environment, and if He Lin wasn’t there? Would he have the same ending as his brother’s?”

He Jin’s mother was stunned, she thought that the personalities of He Jin and He Lin were different. He Lin was more like her, he’s straightforward, emotional and he’s likely to become impulsive.

He Jin’s father sighed, “for the past year, I’ve thought a lot. I always thought that He Lin’s tragedy was only an individual case...The negative consequences that He Lin had brought to our family shouldn’t be borne by He Jin. His pressure is way too high.”

He Jin’s mother, “...”

He Jin’s father rubbed his mother’s hand and said in a low voice, “that day, I accompanied you to see the doctor. Doctor Zhang told me to pay more attention to He Jin’s mental change as well. He said that in a family with members suffering from depression, it’s easy to make the other members have the same illness.”

He Jin’s mother went silent and her shoulders couldn’t help trembling. After a long while, she said desperately, “you know what He Jin just told me on the phone? He said that he felt like a failure, and he said something like...like he doesn’t deserve happiness. Now that you’ve told me all these, I think perhaps you’re right, do you think he has similar symptoms too?”

He Jin’s father slightly frowned and replied, “that’s what worries me. He Jin never showed anything to us, and he’s very good at hiding his emotions. But all in all, he’s just a kid at his 20s, there’s going to be one day when he can’t endure it anymore. I’m not sure what we can do if he’s crushed by this pressure one day, and what if he’s diagnosed with depression too? Can we bear with one more loss of our son?”

He Jin’s mother grabbed her husband’s hand nervously, “how is it possible?”

He Jin’s father asked, “why not? You also have experienced what it feels by not wanting to live, and you know that it’s impossible to change that in a short time. Did you know how much energy I and He Jin had to spend to pull you out of that depth? Now that you’ve gotten better and when you think of those times, do you think you can comprehend yourself?”

He Jin’s mother, “but, but now I’m already better. What kind of pressure are we giving him? Blind dates? Marriage? We don’t need to be in a rush actually, He Jin is a guy, and it’s okay if he wants to get married a bit later.”

“Biqin,” Father He interrupted her suddenly, he was struggling a bit, “I want to tell you something, it’s a secret, but you have to be calm first, don’t get angry at our son, and don’t be too emotional.”

He Jin’s mother was panicking, “what...what are you hiding away from me?”

He patted her hand and said, “our son told me that if we have to tell you that thing which might irritate you, we have to let you know beforehand that we love you, and no matter what, we won’t abandon you or leave you alone.”

He Jin’s mother felt bitter in her heart, and she was slowly calmed down by what her husband said. Over these years, she was relying on this sentence to slowly get better.

Seeing her gaze slowly calming down, father He said in a serious manner, “He Jin...he might be homosexual too.”

Mother He’s mouth slightly opened and felt a turbulence in her heart. She was so shocked that she couldn’t speak, “what...what are you talking about?”

Father He sighed, and he told mother He everything, including how he looked for He Jin three years ago in Hua University, and how He Jin reacted, he finally explained, “it’s not my intention to hide it from you, but you were seriously ill at that time, if I did, there would certainly be no way for you to calm down.”

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