Tunnel Rat

Chapter 77: Can't Fix Stupid

The way up had never seemed so long. Every step was difficult. His hands were shaking and his legs wobbled. Finally, after what seemed like an age, he stumbled into the great Guild Hall as was shown to a room where the heads of the Miner's Guild, Mechanics ‘Guild, Dwarven Engineer's Guild, Pipefitter's Guild, and Toolmaker's Guild were meeting. It was a mess of yelling humans, dwarves, halflings and even a few ogres.

"We're the duly sponsored Guilds in this city, you can't come out of nowhere and refuse to pay your hundreds of years of back dues!"

"Dues? And what about fines for breaking regulations, new guild fees, and drayage."

"This violates all the new rules! We wrote the rules and voted on them last night!"

"You can't just run around with spanners that don't have a tool-makers stamp."

"Did you have clearance for that project? You can't just trap a World Boss without having us clear the project!"

"You can all keep your grubby hands off that loot! Miners fought and died, and we're going to get first crack at it!"

"All loot needs to be brought to this guildhall and we can vote on how to distribute it."

Milo slumped into the room, took a back seat and ignored all the yelling. Sadly, someone noticed him.

"Oh, here he is now. Let's see what he has to say for himself?"

Milo was pushed forward to a large table where two dozen people sat or stood. The table was at least twenty foot long, and six foot wide. The Engineer and Throttlecog were seated in large chairs. Throttlecog was ignoring the room and polishing his armor. At random times he deployed dangerous looking tools or weapons (hard to tell which) and then snapped them back into their sockets.

The Engineer was on a slow burn. He had a half smile on his face, but his eyes were hard and mean. He nodded to Milo, as if to say "Sorry for dragging you into this mess."

Milo didn't like being around this many people. Especially this many people talking at once. One dwarf with a tool makers badge and gold beads in his beard yelled at him. "Well, you heard us! What do you have to say?"

Milo looked around the room. Fine, today he'd deal with people. How hard could this social stuff be? Just another problem.

"Say about what? You haven't given me a question worth answering, just shouting."

More shouting occurred. It stopped when Throttlecog brought his armored fist down upon the foot thick granite table top. Cracks appeared, radiating out from the divot of crushed stone where his fist had slammed down.

"Enough of this. Time to be civil. We have three Senior Engineers of the Deep Rock Engineer's Guild present. That constitutes a quorum and we can address all the sensible questions you’re asking. Pick someone to go first."

Five minutes later it was decided that somehow the Mechanics had precedent.

"Very well. First, justify how constructing such a massive contraption of cables and pulleys without a permit is justified in the rules. You didn't use guild mechanics or submit any of the needed forms."

“Plus operating an uninspected death machine, forming an army, mixing guilds, adding in a church, and adding a raid of adventurers to the mix.”

Eyes turned to the Deep Rock Engineers. Throttlecog stopped The Engineer from talking, and nodded to Milo. Milo sighed, he hated answering questions without the right background.

"I assume you have those regulations listed somewhere?" The Mechanics Guild Leader smiled and pointed to a thick book. "Of course, right here."

"Hand it to me please. In fact, hand me ALL the regulations"

Several people started to argue, and Throttlecog raised his fist. Things got quiet and the five large books were slid across the table to Milo. He picked up the first, and began to thumb through the pages, looking at two pages ever couple of seconds.

Without pausing he said. "I want a cheese sandwich and a large mug of something to drink, and I'd like it now." His words were flat and without emotion, quieting the room further.

It took Milo less than an hour to go through all five of the huge volumes, scanning each page quickly. He moved faster and faster as he went, each regulation fitting into the obscure pattern that the guilds worked by. Throttlecog and the Engineer had seen him do the same thing when he was taking his entrance exams and later working on the machines they gave to him to fix.

Everyone else was either scared, or thought it was a hoax, but the threat of violence from all three Deep Rock Engineers was real. People only interrupted once.

He finished his sandwich quickly, drank the hot, strong tea, and set aside the last book.

"Each guild agreed to abide by the City Charter. The city’s charter gives broad leeway to stopping, and I quote: "Threats of such a nature that any delay could result in the death of a large number of citizens, sinking of ships, or loss of trade routes and commerce."

"You can find supportive language on page 5 of the Mechanics Guild Regulations, page 57 of the Engineer's Guild Regulation, page 1 of the Miner's Guild regulations, and page 23 of the Toolmaker's Guild Regulations.”

"And in the margins of page 237, at the left bottom corner, written by hand in green ink of the Pipefitters Guild Regulations.”

"You all agreed to those rules. The city was notified of the problem, and most of you ran to save your own skins, sailed away, or left by airship. Only one Household brought troops to fight. Only one guild from the city stayed to fight. We formed a coalition and were joined by hundreds from the Adventurers Guild. Working together we trapped the boss."

"And it was all according to regulations!" Milo stacked up the books and pushed them back across the table. "Next question."

There was silence, and then one of the ogres from the Pipefitters Guild asked "And what about the loot?"

The head of the miner’s guild snapped around and he started to talk, anger easy to see in his face. One of his subordinates stopped him, reminding him of the Pipefitters reputation.

Milo looked at him with some disgust. From the snippets he was overhearing, the Pipefitters did as much work breaking legs as they did work with pipes. Looking at them, he could believe that. "The boss isn't even dead yet, and people who didn't fight want the loot? This isn't a dragon with some horde to raid. If it does have a horde, it's deep down in the caverns. The gods or whoever gives out these shiny chests will reward those who fought."

He looked the ogre in the eye. "And if you don't like how the loot gets distributed, go talk to Captain Pike, he was looking hungry last I saw him."

Both ogres and many other people paled at the thought, and discussion of the boss's loot ended.

One dwarf had to open his mouth. “That’s not all the loot though. We’ve heard about a very valuable ring. What do you have to say about that.”

Milo was across the table, hoisting the dwarf out of his seat, with a weapon at his throat before anyone could blink.

“I gave Belinda that ring. I killed the Snake. It was mine to give. And if you even think about causing her trouble, I will bury you so deep that no one will ever find you.”

He dropped the terrified dwarf back into his seat, and returned to his spot at the table. Talking started back up a minute later.

"Harumph...there is still the matter of this "Deep Rock Guild" wanting to establish a Guild Hall in the city. That could upset the delicate balance of power and economics in the city. Membership, dues, fees, fines.... there’s a lot that has to be discussed and agreed upon."

The Engineer cleared his throat, and spoke. "So now it's down to money. How much? And convert whatever crappy silvers and golds bits and bobs you use to bars of Deep Copper or Dark Steel. We pay our debts in hard metal."

Some discussion started up, and didn't look to stop. Milo stood up and started to leave. "I have things to do. Name an amount now, or I'm leaving, and you can all pound sand for all I care. Shutting you all up is the only reason the Engineer is making a generous offer, and if you keep talking, you blow that offer away on a wind of hot air!"

Milo was not feeling well, he was hating this meeting more and more. What was the point? He realized it wasn't something he could fix. You can't fix stupid. You can't stop greed. You can't make people stop wanting power.

Quickly, the dwarf with the gold beads in his beard spoke. "Well, I think ten bars of pure Dark Steel and five bars of Pure Deep copper for each of the established guilds sounds like a fair price for adding a new guild to the city." He smiled, and prepared for the haggling. A look passed between Milo, Throttlecog, and The Engineer.

"Done." Said the Engineer.

"Err, you agree to that?" Gold Beads, who was from the Tool Makers Guild, was taken aback with the lack of haggling.

A large crate appeared on the table, which promptly cracked and collapsed. The yard-square crate settled in the debris of broken stone, and Milo opened it up. Th crate was filled with hundreds of bars of Deep Copper, Dark Steel, Gems, machine components, special tools, and ingots of even rarer metals. Milo pulled out the 75 bars of metal.

Throttlecog said smugly. "Old Engineering trick."

The Engineer gestured to the Guild Leaders. "Take it. We have a long shopping list, and brought some trade goods to spend up here."

The Guild Leaders of the Mining and Dwarven Engineers Guilds pushed their way over to The Engineer. They bowed low. The Miners Guild leader spoke. "We took a vote. Unanimous outcome. Our guilds would like to welcome you to the city. Keep the metal. Friends don't extort friends."

The Engineer looked at them both, and then shook hands. "Why, that's right neighborly of you. We fought beside the miner's guild, and of course all Engineering guilds are related even if separated by the years. We'd be happy to work with you."

The Miners Guild Leader casually dropped another bit of info. "And I talked to the head of the Adventurers Guild. He's a bit busy, but he said that he'd be glad to join our little coalition and get some things straightened out."

There was silence from the other side of the room as the Pipefitters, Mechanics, and Toolmakers saw 'the delicate balance and economics' shift away from them.

Milo snapped his fingers and his chest disappeared. "I'm done. Too much talking. The Adventurers Guild will store the rest of this metal. I need to go fill up the space with important things."

Before anyone could annoy him further, he walked upstairs. The halfling in charge of the Adventurers seemed to know everything that had just happened. He happily helped Milo to unload his storage into two huge safes. He wisely kept his opinion to himself about ‘old Engineering tricks’.

Milo considered his nearly empty storage and his current situation. The Bone Runed Cowl was tattered and dirty. It moved like it wanted to crawl away from him. His weapon, Shadowblight, was likewise not looking good. It was chipped, with one spike entirely gone, sucked up in the vortex of bone that had coated Pike's weapon. He tossed them both into the chest, and changed into his Engineer's Coveralls, hung his daggers and spanner on his belt. That would do for now.

He walked down the steps of the Guild Hall, only to feel a tug on his tail. He turned around, seeing the same youngster who had seen through his disguise once before. The child looked even dirtier than before. He was thin and tattered, with tracks from tears running down his face. "Mr. Tail? I can't find my sister. I can't find anyone. I've been all alone for days. Do you know where they are?" The child started crying, hugging him around the waste.

Milo had no idea what to say, so he just picked up the boy and started walking until he got to Squint's place at light's end. Two Kulags were guarding the entrance. They eyed him and the child. Milo didn't bother being polite. "This kid is lost; his sister and the rest of the gang are gone. They hung out down here. Any ideas?"

One of them seemed sympathetic for a moment while the other laughed. "You think we have time for lost brats?"

Milo stepped closer and stared up at the much larger man. "Let me rephrase that: Any ideas before I have my meeting with Squint and tell him how unhelpful you are. That assumes I don't put a dagger in your brain right here and now."

The sympathetic guard intervened. "Learn who you're talking to before being an asshole, Tarik. Sorry sir, no idea. But we have heard that a lot of people have gone missing lately. Not just street rats either. But right now, with everyone leaving the town and coming back, things are a mess."

Milo sighed. Too many variables at once. "Is Squint around?"

The kulag shook his head. "Down at the docks knocking heads together. Be back in a couple of hours."

Milo handed him the boy. "Give him to Squint, tell him to add it to Milo's tab. I'll be back soon to talk about the job.

Having delt with that problem, Milo headed for the cheese shop. The gnawing in his body was getting worse. He was tired of dealing with people and just wanted to sit in a corner with a few wheels of his favorite snack.

The cheese shop was a disappointment. Jethro was there, but there was hardly any cheese! None of the other halflings were around. The shop looked dusty, with cobwebs in the rafters. A disheveled and unshaven Jethro ushered him in. "You're back! That's great! I've got a special order, just for you. The rest of the family is at the warehouse. Pardon the dust. We almost left the city for something safer. How about you wait here. Help yourself to some of the gouda over there? Delish! On the house! I'll run get your order."

Milo shrugged. He didn't understand humans, let alone halflings. He missed the straight-forward insanity of the Engineers. He was heading back down as soon as he could. He needed away from the city.

And Harry! Had he survived? No one had mentioned the troll. Harry had told Milo how hard trolls were to kill, but he'd been reduced to large chunks.

He sat on a broken crate, gnawing on the gouda. It was bland and unaged, with some stupid seeds in it. Why would you mix stuff inside of good cheese? Well, not that this was good cheese. He was feeling a bit better, but exhaustion was catching up with him. His reflexes slow, and his mind exhausted, he failed to notice the dark-haired wizard and dragonling.

"Encasio Viriculum Transciobella!"

Milo heard the words and a small glass ball struck him in the chest as he turned. Everything went strange as he spun down into the darkness.

"Ah, Tasha's Transcendent Entrapment. Never leave home without one." Philistron bent down and picked up the small glass ball with an even smaller Milo trapped inside.

"Excellent work, Jethro." He tossed a small pouch of silver coins to the halfling. "I'll say hi to your family for you."

Jethro caught the money, but seemed surprised at the words. "My family? you're letting them go, right? That was the deal! I help you catch him, you let them go!"

"Ah, Jethro, poor Jethro. You're forgetting your own words. You wanted so much. Respect, money, to be the head of your family, to make them think differently of you. And I've done all that for you." He waved to the dilapidated shop. "It's all your now. And you're in charge. Head of what's left of the family. And I guarantee they think differently of you now."

He smiled with malice at the halfling. "I kept my word. Say differently, and Krysofolax will rip out your tongue and eat your eyes. Good day Jethro."

The wizard strode down through the town, talking to his companion. "That ties things up nicely, don't you think?"

"........"

"What do you mean, not the same rat? Of course, it's the same rat. Use your eyes."

"........"

"No, I can't smell the difference. You said he smelled of 'old bone and enemies' before. What does he smell like now?"

"........"

"Family? Are you serious? That's a scruffy, cheese addicted rat-kin. And I can tell it's the same one. How many do you think have completed the Quest for the Eye of Wonder?"

"........"

"Well, yes, there are others! But not rat-kin. It's the same one I say. You didn't like the other one at all, now you're telling me you're related? You've been eating too many pickled herring. I never should have let you load that many jars of it into the ship."

"........"

"Now that's just rude! Let's get back to the ship, slice him up, and we can settle this. Dragon-kin indeed"

"........"

"I'm just going to ignore you now"

"........"

"Rude little lizard. Half a mind to trade you for a Gerbil!"

"........"

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