Transformation or Death

Chapter 38

Let’s be friends(6)

As soon as the transformation wore off, the guilt, despair, and disgust welled up, causing him to vomit into the toilet, expelling everything he had tried to make up his body today. 

As he kept retching, his body weakened, and the disgust filled him again as much as the lost strength.

His life may not have been long, but he strongly felt that today would be counted as one of the worst days of his life.

In the morning, he saw his acquaintances fall. At noon, he became a half-corpse while fighting a villain. In the afternoon, he committed violence along with other villains.  

It was madness. A truly insane day, physically and mentally unsound.

It had been just a day since he thought of fulfilling his duty to protect the protectors. Yet what had he done now?

He was outraged by the harsh reality heroes face, but ended up being the cause of creating that harsh reality for a hero.

Trying to change someone’s thinking through violence is so barbaric. 

A child who hasn’t even lived a quarter of their life, whose mind is still not fully developed, and who hasn’t had a proper environment for mental growth.

Those captivated by dreams cannot see reality properly. It’s only natural. There’s no need to particularly criticize them.

Everyone is overly convinced about what they believe is right.  

It takes time for beliefs to change.

They haven’t known each other for very long. Her view of heroes won’t change quickly.  

The lack of self-esteem leading to disregard for her own life won’t disappear soon either.

What should be done for those with narrow perspectives is education, not violence.

It was a foolish act to demand reading from someone blind before even teaching them the letters. Madness.

Why didn’t he stop even though he knew?

He did it even though he knew. There’s no excuse. It was clearly an evil act.

Like stars obscured by clouds, regrets that weren’t visible when he was possessed by the villain’s body surfaced. The urge to vomit rushed back. There was nothing left to throw up now.

“Uegh! Uegh!”

His throat was sore from the stomach acid, but the retching wouldn’t stop. It was similar to when his trauma of visual exposure resurfaced. His body endlessly sought self-destruction, and it was difficult to stop it.

Even if he was forced by the quest, what kind of excuse is that?

‘The quest is merely a process suggested to achieve my ideals.’

He caught his breath and looked at his belt. It responded:

[That’s right. The quests reflect the protector’s ideals when presented.]

At least it still gave straightforward answers.  

[If the protector didn’t act, it would have been considered non-compliance with the quest. You would have met your demise.]

“So what I just did was the right thing?!”

There was no answer from the belt. Just the silence of a mere machine, but it felt like an affirmation.

The ideals he had vowed to uphold that day at the risk of his life.

The quest is a kind of system created to achieve that.  

In other words, it might be that his subconscious desires it.

No. Why didn’t he think of not following the quest after realizing its truth?  

Can he be sure he wouldn’t have felt a slight sense of achievement when the quest was completed?  

Did he really think reality was like a game where you get rewarded for completing quests with that name?

That he’d die if he didn’t follow? Can he justify it if he was forced?

Grabbing his head from the overwhelming guilt, he leaned against the wall. The smell emanating from his home today was particularly foul. The stench was unbearable. He considered opening the window but didn’t have the strength to move his legs again.  

He felt disgusted with himself, wallowing in misery like a victim. He quietly observed his mind devouring his body, thinking it wasn’t so bad to be immersed in self-loathing like this.

Why couldn’t he sense the strangeness? There must have been things a person shouldn’t abandon, even to achieve their ideals.  

Ignoring ethics for one’s own purpose… Just like a villain.  

He bit his trembling lips to calm himself, then asked his belt, “Hey…”

[What is it?]

“Are there any side effects of the transformation?”

It was a question he should have asked long ago, but he had failed to think of it until now. 

“Like… If overexposed to the starlight, would your way of thinking become similar to a villain’s?”

[I don’t know.]  

“…What?”

It was unbelievable.

Judging by how the quest system works, it seems like it can read the future, yet it claims not to know? Does it think that makes any sense?

“But you can see the future, right? What kind of nonsense is that?”

[To be precise, I cannot be certain.]  

The belt calmly responded, [The side effects from overexposure to starlight vary from person to person. From those who die to those completely unaffected. I cannot be certain which case applies to the protector.]   

The idea that something that could read the future couldn’t be certain seemed like utter nonsense. Disturbing thoughts welled up further.   

This transformation might not be safe.  

Whether the body is damaged or consciousness is affected, or both.

The problem is, he can’t stop the transformations now.  

Not just because of the quests, but his own will as well.

Ideals require power to act upon. 

It would be foolish to discard it due to uncertainties he cannot be sure of.  

The path has already been taken. The inertia is strong, unable to stop.

There was one more uncertainty.  

It became difficult to consider the belt an ally.

“Who made this belt in the first place?”

“Who made you?”

[Cannot answer. The current guardian’s memory is not activated yet. It will be possible to answer after regaining memory later.]

That damned memory again.

The memory I got before was from a parallel world. Myself reading a webtoon. 

Seeing that, it doesn’t seem like this belt is just a product of science.

Is it related to Polaris, the author of the webtoon Magical Girl Heyday?

I’m not sure.

My head hurts. 

How does this belt predict the future and give quests in the first place?

I know I have to reap what I’ve sown regarding it forcing actions, but the contents of the quests are highly strange.

Completely disregarding ethical norms, only eager to achieve the ideal.

It’s like a monster.

‘Are the belt’s instructions to be taken as the monster?’

Acting relentlessly to achieve the goal, like a villain that has strayed from the human path, not hesitating at anything.

Although having a human appearance, the inside is no different from a villain, truly a freak.  

Until now, I’ve focused on the fear of death or ideals and accepted the quest instructions without question. 

I shouldn’t have done that.

What can be accomplished by acting without fear? I should have proceeded with sufficient fear of the unknown future, what results would be achieved, what sacrifices would occur in the process.

I regret it. But I can’t undo it. I’ve already committed acts.

After repenting, I’ll just act better.

I forced my drained body up. I was tired, but not sleepy. I didn’t feel good. My heart was still pounding like I had just witnessed the recent tragedy.  

Even though I knew it was irreversible, my body couldn’t let it go. The restlessness of not forgetting the shock didn’t go away.

‘Disgusting.’  

The feeling of self-loathing rushed back again.  

I wanted to do something to clear my mind.

‘But there are people who were more shocked than me, what am I saying?’

I opened the window.

The evening held a pleasant moonlight. Looking at it made me feel a bit refreshed.

The light swirling around was imitating stars.

In the room, the stale smells of the unpleasant past days vibrated. There was a faint vomit smell left as a trace and an overpowering stench of beast and musty dust smell. The bloody, fishy smell unique to villains came drifting in from outside the window.

Nothing smelled very pleasant.

Taking in the blue moonlight on my face, I thought about what I could do this night.

The time when people’s eyes are covered, so things that have strayed from the human path run wild.

The time when maniacs wander around hunting people.  

It was perfect for killing villains. Staring blankly out the window, my eyes met some beastly thing. It licked its lips, seeming to see me as appetizing prey.

A man-eating villain, huh. It then giggled as if mocking me. Old memories came flooding back.

Even as a villain, I found other people’s gazes unpleasant, and their mocking laughter even more so. But unlike earlier, I didn’t feel nauseous. I had already puked out everything.

I moved my body towards the front door. 

I had decided what to do tonight.

“Hm?”

When I opened the front door, there was a black bag hanging on the outer door handle. And there was a sticky note with some writing on the bag.

-Heard all the vomiting sounds. This is medicine. There are drinks too. And jellies. Go to the hospital.

Slightly awkward sentences and handwriting.

Inside the bag were some foods to help with dehydration and medicine.

The neighbor, who I only knew as a noisy crazy woman, is surprisingly quite considerate.

This warm consideration unfitting for this cold modern society made my heart slightly warm.

‘So this is what it means to be humane…to be so kind even to strangers…while I just did that terrible thing.’

And I felt self-loathing again. It was obvious I would suffer for days or years to come.

I brought the bag inside, then set out again. With such a kind neighbor, it wouldn’t be right to leave a villain be. With my rationality for action increased, I hurried my steps.

It didn’t take too long.

Whether drawn to me or not, that beast villain was found relatively nearby. 

I grabbed my belt. For a moment, I felt a slight pang of discomfort.

‘Side effects of the transformation… There will definitely be some.’  

The original situation always has to assume the worst.

There’s no way a normal human body could be overexposed to starlight without any side effects. Unlike a magical girl, I can’t use magic either.  

Magical girls purify starlight into magic power to use.  

The fact that there’s a word like purify means there must be some negative influence for sure.  

But as I decided earlier, I needed power to achieve the ideal.  

I grabbed the belt and attached it to my waist.

“So we finally meet.”

A voice came from behind the beast villain. A man? A civilian? But he didn’t seem fazed at all by the presence of the villain.

“My comrade!”

The shadowy figure started running this way.

“Pursue!”  

[Pursue the truth.]

A brilliant light emanated from his body.  

In the light, I saw he bore the constellation of the compass.

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