There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Chapter 164: Foodie Be Goodie

This was an issue.

Delta had perhaps gone too far.

“I don’t even want to know how you managed this,” Nu typed out on his screen, and he read as very agitated.

“I was just trying to fix the flooding weakness of the Mushroom Grove,” Delta said helplessly as all around the grove, tiny white mushroom domes rose up. Mushrooms had long stopped being an issue for Delta, but these ones?

These were different.

Slowly, one side of the mushrooms fell forward like a ramp, letting energetic little blue people exit out into the false rain she was using in this experiment. They reminded Delta of a certain group, but the similarities didn’t last long as they began to absorb water like sponges. They were technically a type of sentient spore from the mushrooms that when they got wet…

The cute little blue person closest to Delta bent onver and began to rapidly increase in size to a small gremlin with a long dirty white sock hat and serrated teeth. They let loose keening noises and took to the mushrooms, climbing them like demented monkeys as they sought more moisture.

It was fine until they drank the rain dry and the only sources of moisture left would be any invaders.

You have created Blue Cap Mushrooms! These mushrooms are harmless until an abundance of water is introduced to their ecosystem or they are fed after midnight. Since time is abstract, any time is after midnight except for midnight itself. As water vampires, they will drain all enemies of fluids. Their natural predator is the Dust Mummy, the driest creature in the land except for ’s mother after a night on the town.

“Was she always this hostile to Fairplay?” Delta asked Nu, who shrugged.

“She’s been practicing a bunch of emotions. You missed the whole ‘hangry’ saga.”

The Blue Cap demon spawn cackled and knocked each other out of the mushroom trees with glee. Some grabbed Gutrots and were feeding them to some other poor Blue Cap.

They had a vibe, and Delta was 75% here for it.

Still, that was fire and water dealt with. If they introduced ice, then Delta was just going to have to give them the win at that point.

“Gutrots can survive near sub-zero temperature.” Nu pointed out.

Delta would give them the win.

Moving to the goblin fort, she paused as she saw Cois doing something. He was using his staff to draw a long, complicated symbol into one wall. It didn’t look like his normal fire rune, but far grander and slightly like a coffee drink brand.

“Cois, what’s that-” Delta got out before Cois tapped it and the whole thing began to glow. Something akin to a vacuum cleaner powering up sounded out as a sudden breeze filled the room.

Cois’s face began to flap back, exposing his goblin teeth as he tried to grin, but the building wind was becoming a wind tunnel. Delta had just made her avatar totally immune to that kind of physics. While she was wearing a professional skirt, it was still a skirt nonetheless.

The gust gained so much power that Delta could feel an actual drop in her ambient mana.

Cois held up his staff, and the gray winds began to gather into an orb that started to crack his staff visibly.

“Now, before I can’t hold it!” Cois said, and Delta turned her head to see Billy being braced by Numb as he drew an arrow.

The arrow flew, pushing the monk and archer back with such force that Delta winced, but the arrow flew true, and something amazing happened before her eyes. The arrow pierced the wind orb, and a massive hurricane flew down the tunnel, sending Blue Caps screaming in panic as it raced through the grove, mud flying as it careened through the platform room, then the spiders danced the ‘oh lord, it’s coming’ dance as the wind finally slammed into her entrance room and up the stairs.

---

“Enough, I will be entering the Dungeon now,” the Fairplay warrior told Kemy, who tried to think of a reason to hold him back.

The man took one step down into the Dungeon proper with a smug smirk.

Screaming horrible blue creatures, three spiders, and a dollop of mud slammed into him before they were pulled back into the dungeon, and the man was sent hurtling over the treeline across the field.

There was a pause.

“I’ll wait as long as the lady with the suggestive staff says so,” someone said, and the crowd shifted backwards as one.

Kemy smiled.

Her staff was very suggestive of Delta’s love and kindness!

---

“We can call it the ‘Transitional Homing Ordnance Technique’!” Cois said once he’d peeled himself off the nearby wall.

Delta sipped the coffee she made up of her mana, a very long and slow sip.

“How about we have new runes and brands inspected before we use them?” she said, and the three goblins turned to her with wide eyes.

“That sounds like bureaucracy!” Cois said, sounding utterly aghast.

“It ‘sounds’ like not accidentally creating a blackhole that consumes all life by messing with the code of reality,” Delta replied flatly. Cois looked frustrated as he looked around at the many failed runes he had made in the ground. Some just didn’t work at all, and many were failed efforts that were more ‘fizzle’ than ‘bang.’

“I just like the way runes work,” he finally muttered.

Delta blinked, then opened Cois’ menu.

Cois: The Pyromancer Romancer.

‘Can’t be bad for the environment if toxins also get burned up’

Cois has three evolution paths unlocked.

Diplomat: The most elegant of goblins. Can speak with such grace that no one can make the first attack on this monster until it makes an aggressive move. This creature can also convince summons and/or pet monsters to disobey their masters.

The Tribe Spirit of Fire: This goblin has cast off his earthly flesh to become an ever-burning fire spirit that is magic itself. Able to ignite healing in other goblins or terrible burning curses in enemies, the sight of this monster is one of goblin legends.

The Rulebreaker: A goblin who has glimpsed the impossible and took it for himself. Able to understand basic runes and some complex ones, this goblin sees the world not as a simple here or there, but a now and forever.

Delta told Cois of his career options. He gagged at diplomat, drooled at fire spirit, but went quiet at rulebreaker.

“Can I have time to think?” he said, surprising Delta. She had never heard Cois sound so… quiet.

“Of course, you don’t have to change at all if you want that option,” she reminded the goblin kindly. Perhaps other Dungeons would just force the most optimal, but Delta had ‘optimal’ strats in place already.

If someone ever made it to King Jellagon easily? Then Delta could make hard choices…

She turned to Billy and Numb, who looked a little dazed from the wind attack.

Billy: The Dark Smile in the Shadow

‘I won’t stab you in the back. I prefer seeing your eyes when I go deep’

Billy has two evolution paths!

Assassin: The most feared type of goblin by evil. This monster can not only blend into any environment, it’s a unique monster that can follow a single target to another floor and remain able to do full damage to them regardless of mana levels. Will he appear on the fifth floor? The tenth? Only he knows… but don’t worry, your vital organs will know soon.

The Fel Beast: Drowning in their victim’s blood has allowed a portal to a dark dimension to open in their heart. These goblins look normal until they are pushed to their limit. At the point of near death, these goblins transform into a massive creature of bestial power that commands shadow weapons. These creatures are hunted by many religious sects.

Goblins had a lot of evolutionary lines. Delta supposed they were the punching bag mobs for most stories, so it only made sense they developed the habit of getting dangerous quickly.

“Assassin. Sounds more fun,” Billy said with a pleased smile. Delta nodded and purchased the upgrade and blinked as Billy was cocooned in an orange orb that floated in the air.

Billy’s evolution will take two days. Guard the monster well, or be forced to restart the timer.

Numb poked it, and it floated off to the side with nothing anchoring it. Delta was a little stumped, this hadn’t happened before.

“The more you evolve monsters, the more it takes to get them ready. It’s why most Dungeons work downwards, not outwards. New floor comes with simply better monsters than most evolved ones,” her companion explained as if this was common knowledge.

“Most Dungeons are dumb. I’m proud of my edgy goblin. He’s got a diploma in ‘ass-kicking,’” Delta crossed her arms, chin held high.

“Shame you can’t teach them how to be crazy,” Nu said dryly.

Before they could argue, a new screen appeared.

Would you like to engage in Dungeon Conquering?

“What does that do, though?” Delta asked, confused. A massive map began to unfold within Delta’s Dungeon, showing a simplified picture like the one on her third floor. Three symbols were instantly glowing. An orange circle which she knew to be herself, a castle-icon that rested just above a golden circle.

Slowly, much smaller dots began to flash up, and Delta stared at the various Dungeons in proximity.

Dungeon Conquering is usually a project undertaken when two Dungeons expand in close proximity and fight over space and resources. However, due to your superior means of growth, the System would instead allow the use of Mana Veins to allow you to transport a group of select monsters to act as ‘adventurers’ to other Dungeons, allowing you to ‘educate’ them as you go while also claiming any loot they would normally drop to augment yourself further.

“Seems a lot of work when I’m drowning in a to-do list so large it would make a corrupt government blush,” Delta said, sounding unsure.

One of the dungeons available for invasion has fish monsters as an introduction mob.

“And your point?” Delta asked slowly.

They chose desert as their theme.

Delta stared, and her left eye began to erratically twitch.

“That sounds bad, but I really-” she tried to step away.

Another has a security door in front of their first floor boss, but forgot to lock it with a key. Another has goblins as a mob, but they’re all archer classed.

Delta leaned on a wall with one hand, breathing with some difficulty.

“No… work… too much…” she heaved.

One Dungeon has a two-headed ogre as a boss. However, their boss room ceiling is so low it can’t actually move to defend itself.

“Alright, I’ll consider it. How many of these Dungeons need help? Display them as a pink circle or something,” Delta waved the box off with a sigh.

Roughly 15 are displayed now. These are Dungeons with ten or less floors to their name.

That wasn’t so bad-

“Wait, how many Dungeons are around in total?!” Delta asked, confused by the numbers she was hearing. The map blinked, and Delta felt her mouth drop. She expanded the map to show the whole thing as pink stars kept blinking into existence.

“That’s a lot of Dungeons,” she swallowed once. Her own Dungeon was in a weird ‘void.’ Delta was the most isolated Dungeon in the whole map!

And… Delta was the superior Dungeon? Of all of these markers?

“Nu, do you want to handle the rest of the first floor while I try to get a handle on this?” she asked her friend, and Nu hummed.

“I am good at crushing armies or making them, so either one suits me just fine,” he reported. Delta gave him a side eye, but there was one more thing she wanted to do.

“Numb, stand still!” she beamed and opened his menu.

Numb: The Kind Fist

‘It’s not that I want to hurt you, but you make it hard to do otherwise’

One possible evolution available!

Perfect evolution discovered!

Goblin Hero: A fistfighter that oozes justice. The most human-looking goblin of the lot, this fighter can literally punch evil in the face, such as liches, ghosts, and more. When protecting others, this goblin seldom loses. However, an alarming amount of romances do seem to occur around him.

Numb seemed excited.

“I have the power!” he cried before he was engulfed in an orange orb. Cois sighed.

“Idiots,” he said fondly as he began prodding the two orbs towards Fera’s bar and beyond, hiding them under Maestro’s loving care.

“Go be an invasive species to someone else. I’ll finish tuning up the Storeroom and the bar,” Nu said, dismissing Delta as if she was now in his way.

Delta smiled and patted his screen.

“Make me proud,” she beamed, and the screen eyed her.

“I am not one of your sad students. I don’t seek your approval,” he sniffed. Delta turned, and Nu appeared in front of her.

“However, when you return to such glory? You will be aghast that you never promoted me to this job in the first place. I do this for me, not you. Me… not you,” he stressed.

“I am unimportant to your rise as the tyrant of this world. I will now fade into the background and not cause any disasters,” she mock-saluted.

“I’m glad we understand one another… don’t take too long on your journey. I will need someone to handle these Fairplay imbeciles before long,” he said dismissively and vanished.

“So, Sis… how does this conquering thing work?” she asked aloud, and a new screen opened.

Would you like to select a team or use the random team filler, pulling from all floors?

Delta eyed the first button that promised careful selection and optimizing and the other button which was covered in confetti and sparklers with question marks.

Delta stood there long enough that Cois’ rune let out one more gentle breeze, causing dust to kick up around her feet and a tumbleweed to dance past.

“Well, the random button is more exciting,” she argued with no one in particular.

She pressed the random button, and the screen began to glow and shake. It cracked and exploded into five tokens, each one golden and shiny!

“Seasonal legendary pull!” Delta threw her hands up, hyperventilating.

“Where’s the double roll for 20 bucks? Gimmie the deal!” she said, looking around the screen for the missing button.

Her five tokens turned one at a time, and each one made her chuckle, then giggle as the last two turned off.

Delta bent over cackling.

Team name generated: The Good, the Ugly, and the Wicked.

Lord Mushy, Jeb the Troll, Wyin, Bob the Worm, and Jack the Kobold.

Sending Team and Dungeon Avatar to the North-West to the Crown Archipelago. First Dungeon will be the north-most Island.

Now beginning Conquest with ‘Alumen Wave’ Dungeon.

Delta smiled, then felt herself being yanked into the Mana Veins of the world with a scream, stuck on a rollercoaster with no railings or safety harnesses.

She didn’t even have time to explain the mission to her monsters!

---

Wyin was buffing her ‘nails’ when a flash of light overtook her.

In her place was a dull-eyed replica that stared at the door ahead with endless patience.

---

Replica-Jack stared at the smut shrine before it and began to pray as it was designed to do.

It also began to design bombs every few minutes. As it was programmed to.

---

Replica-Lord Mushy began to place a pot on every surface it could with a ‘Lali-oh’ and a ‘how do you do?’ to itself.

---

“A bit unlike my Bob,” Rale said as the Replica-Bob floated on the surface of the waterfall pond like a dead trout, occasionally wriggling like live bait. The crabs were having a ball, spinning its body like a log.

---

“He’s… amazing,” Fera gasped as the Replica-Jeb Troll not only successfully cooked toast, but made good tea as well.

“I don’t know. I kind of like Jeb normally. He sings songs,” Nina said as she washed endless dishes.

“Less troll soup pots to clean,” Fera grunted at her. Nina couldn’t argue with that.

Still, the replica reminded her far too easily of her own condition when she was spread ‘too thin.’

“Take a break, Quee can let you back out if you need to go back to town,” Fera said as she turned to a tiny form helping near the stove.

“King Jellagon, you’re burning the edges of the eggs,” she scolded.

The little slime gurgled, and Fera sighed, feeding him the eggshells to cheer him up.

---

Delta held her hands to her face.

“I got mana-bugs in my eyes,” she wailed.

“Where… are we?” Jack asked aloud as Lord Mushy greeted everyone with a pleasant hum.

“I have legs,” Wyin said in horror. She moved unsteadily around on something akin to wooden peg legs with little stubby toes. Bob looked around, now the size of a python rather than a massive creature.

“Hello! I am here!” Jeb cheered, still his normal size. He looked around, and Delta finally noticed where they were.

“On no… I’m back to mining at night,” Delta whispered as all around them, geodes of what looked like aluminum glittered in a decorative entrance. Said entrance was a massive gaping crack in the wall. Salty-looking water came up to their ankles, and signs of erosion could be seen on some of the geodes. Jeb leaned over and snapped a geode off like Delta would pluck a berry off a bush.

It crumbled in Jeb’s hands, barely more than a surface construct.

Delta opened her mouth, but she clutched her head as something began making gutteral screeching in her mind. Delta couldn’t quite translate what it was saying since a lot of it was just making noise for the sake of it.

The young Dungeon was essentially bellowing ‘Food. Intruders. Food’ on a loop. Delta flicked the connection, and the shrieking cut off abruptly to be replaced by a stunned silence.

“Now, none of that. My name is Delta. Do you have a name yet?” she asked kindly, broadcasting mostly with her Mana.

The response took a long time.

“Food?”

What was Delta really expecting?

“Okay, Foodie. Again, my name is Delta. Delta,” she stressed.

“Dood?”

“Delta? We have company,” Wyin said, sounding annoyed. Delta looked into the corridor beyond the crack in the wall to see scuttling crabs with geodes as shells.

“Oh, that looks like a functional monster! Well done, Foodie!” she praised. Seconds later, Wyin kicked one, and the shell was so eroded that it shattered into pieces and the monster exploded.

Delta stared in shocked horror.

“I barely touched it!” Wyin whined, hands up to ward off a lecture. About ten more came scuttling towards them, and Bob slithered forward, rounding them all up in a coiled grip, having to endure feeble smacks and bites to avoid crushing them all.

“Foodie, these monsters aren’t working. They’re too soluble,” she explained.

“Food! More!” Foodie responded. This was getting her nowhere; if she just had access to its menu-

Her mana surged forward, and Delta felt the whispers of a warcry. It didn’t take long to get a feel of everything.

Seven floors. It had seven floors.

Delta fell to her knees.

“How am I your senpai?” she asked, feeling insecure for a moment. The core was found, and it was a grayish color made up of the same metal decorating the entire Dungeon. Her mana just sort of bashed past the bosses with alarming ease.

A gray screen flickered next to her orange one.

“Danger!” Foodie cried.

“Of flunking Dungeon 101, yes,” Delta said as she hit no on the ‘consume core’ option without even needing to think about it.

Dungeon: Unnamed

Theme: Saltwater. Metal.

Floors: 7

Potency: weak.

Delta just had to pretend she was grading homework or staying back after class to help a student understand something they clearly were struggling with.

“Me. Die?” Foodie asked, and Delta patted his core gently.

“We say ‘not today’ to that rubbish,” she said, and the other core seemed content to accept what fate might come to it. It didn’t even try to move its bosses towards her. It didn’t even think to try.

“Let’s see if there is… aha!” she grinned as a sort of history screen appeared. Foodie’s first items that it consumed were displayed at the bottom.

Consumption:

Sea water.

Aluminum (extreme rust)

Broken Rusty Sword

Salt crystals (dried)

Delta sent a curious pulse to the Dungeon and its immediate surroundings. Foodie was located on one of the crown islands, inside a tide pool cave where the ocean closed in for hours, protecting Foodie until the tide receded.

Likely Foodie didn’t plan on that but just got lucky.

Scrolling through the list further, she did notice a sudden intake of more unique materials. Leather, glass, paper, furs, and… biological substances.

Foodie was a discovered Dungeon. She sent a mental image of a person to the Dungeon, and it didn’t recognize the image of a man or woman.

Out of sheer effort, it managed to send back an image of something… very not human. It looked like a scribble on paper more than a clear image, but Delta got the impression of two arms, two legs, a long tail, a ridged finned back, and a bulbous head.

“Jack, do fishpeople exist?” she asked, feeling like she was uttering three different offensive statements at once. Jack looked over from where he was licking salt crystals curiously.

“Sure do. They used to be monsters like we Kobolds, but people are freaks, and now we have seeds in every kind of life. Don’t know which one lives around here, but we got Naiads, Merfolk, Sahagin, Deepkins, and more,” he said casually.

“Jood?” Foodie repeated.

“Jack. His name is Jack,” Delta corrected with a small smile.

She found the crab monsters and the first floor upgrades.

First floor: The Salt Wound

Upgrades:

Geodes of Aluminum will periodically form. It will take a long time for them to be harvestable.

Flowing Sea: Ankle deep water will constantly flow outwards from the boss room.

Sea Air: torches and fire don’t last as long.

Monsters:

Geode Crabs: Weak-shelled crabs that aim to cut veins.

Salt Bat: Bats that will dissolve if made wet. Their bite is agony.

Boss: The Tyrant Shell: A massive crab that has absorbed enough pure geodes to make a solid defense. It can spew pressured salt water to knock people back. A massive flaw crack at the back of the shell makes it a weak point.

Traps:

Three pitfalls filled with waist-deep water.

One slip-rock.

“Foodie, this floor needs work,” she pointed out and Foodie let out a cry of denial, seeming to hold the seventh floor closer where most of its stockpiled resources were being automatically allocated.

Automatically… allocated.

Delta would just turn that off.

Foodie immediately snapped it back on.

Delta narrowed her eyes and turned it off.

Foodie cried and turned it back on. Delta yanked it back with too much force, and the symbolic switch snapped off with such force it literally flew off the menu.

Both Dungeon Cores stared at the broken switch. That was when Foodie let out a keening noise like a terrified puppy.

“I barely touched it!” Delta cried, and Wyin shot her such a dirty look that Delta flushed.

Foodie was now in a single constant stream of keening in such panic that it wasn’t listening to Delta anymore.

What did Delta do when she was in a panic?

Oh!

“Look, Foodie! A mushroom!” Delta said with a smile and held up a Gutrot. She wouldn’t actually feed it to the Dungeon, but a shiny new thing did make it go quiet.

“Mushroom!” Jeb cried with delight. The shaking knocked Delta off her feet, and the mushroom went flying deep into the corridor.

Three seconds passed, and Foodie spoke more clearly than he ever had before.

“Bad, food. Die. Want. No, More.”

“You get used to them,” Delta said distantly, her eyes going faint.

“I listen. No more. Bad Food.” Foodie whispered.

Delta tossed it a Tasty Mushroom, causing it to shriek in panic until it dissolved.

“…Oh.”

“Good Dungeons who make better first floors get good mushrooms. Bad Dungeons that make bad life choices get bad mushrooms,” Delta said, deciding to go with it. New Dungeons were between puppies and toddlers.

“Want more. Good. Shrood.”

Delta was not looking forward to the equivalent of teenager Dungeons who were sure they knew better than her.

Delta’s first mission was to help Foodie adjust one thing at a time.

Like making its monsters not explode due to its own Dungeon theme.

---

Dungeon Network 2.0 now at 1%

Key Core: Delta is 146% stable.

Chance of success: above average.

Delete old Network?

Key core: Silver status unknown

Y/N?

Sis declined for now. It’d cause too much chaos if she deleted the old network just now. Silver… Sister just didn’t know what had gone wrong. He had been progressing Dungeons to a new level, and his sudden departure had caused tons of new Dungeons to begin to decline in efficiency.

It was what led to Delta being hastened into place.

His madness played a huge part in the corruption of many old Dungeons. Without him as the lynchpin, code crashed, logic burned, and good cores went insane. Many depended on Silver to speak to each other.

Many ended up locked up in their own heads, and Sis was so ashamed she didn’t try to help them. She had been… was still… such a stupid child.

Brother wanted to end them before it got worse, but Sister held on. She clung to the idea that a solution would be found.

Sis hurt so many people, and now? She had hurt many more Dungeons.

Sister looked down at her chair. She never relaxed in it, never allowed herself to recline into its power.

She did not deserve it, and as soon as the time came… she would no longer allow herself to be in the same room as it.

A good throne deserved a better god.

Sister looked at many of the screens before her, covered in mushrooms and gibberish.

Delta had been one of the good ones, and Sister put all her love and faith in the woman. She was just so tired of hurting people and this was her chance to be a hero in a story for once. Just once.

She tried to sit closer to the edge of the throne and a mushroom popped up under her knee, shifting her back. It made her blink.

“Excuse me,” she said to it apologetically and tried to shift to one side.

An armrest made of vines and bright red mushrooms formed and Sis felt weird having a place to relax her arms. Her joints had been a been sore for a few millennia.

One of her screens flashed.

Delta Network 1.0 supports all.

---

“I’m not depressed,” Brother warned the mushroom as it continued to follow him around the core.

“I’m suitably gothic with style,” he corrected and returned to his fishing pole. A tiny mushroom was growing on the tip of his fishing rod.

“…I shall name you Godbert,” Brother announced.

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