Chapter 198: I Want My Baby
(From Demetrius's Perspective)
It was late afternoon. She was sleeping, her head resting on my chest. I did not go to work since she was sleeping so peacefully. I did not want to ruin her sleep.
It surprised me to see her act so bravely while clearly stating that she wanted to do it with me. But for now, it was impossible since there was a chance that she could get pregnant again. If she became pregnant, her life would be jeopardized until her power was awakened. I did not want to risk her life in any way. It was not like I was planning to never do it with her again.
I was thinking of talking to her about it properly.
"Haa..."
She started moving and gasping all of a sudden. It was like she could not breathe. She was sweating and her hands were trembling as she clung to me.
"Babe! What's wrong?"
Was she having a bad dream? It was nothing out of the ordinary for her. However, she had not had a nightmare in three weeks.
"Dem..."
"I am here... It's alright, I am here."
"I want my baby..."
'Haa, what an idiot I was to think she would get over it so quickly! Just because she did not cry or say anything does not mean she was not affected at all.'
"It was so little... I loved it..."
I could not say a single thing. I did not know how to comfort her. All I could offer her was my silence.
"Mommy could not save you... I am sorry... I did not try hard enough..."
"... It's not your fault," I whispered.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," she sobbed.
Her voice was breaking, and seeing her like this broke my heart. I had no idea how she was feeling. I did not know how she could love it so much. But I could tell she was in a lot of pain. It was clear from the way she was crying and apologizing over and over.
I wished I could love that child enough to understand her anguish. I had no idea why I could not feel anything for it, but for the first time, I wished I could.
"I am... really... pathetic...," she sobbed. "It was my job to protect my baby... but I failed..."
"It's not your fault, sweetie," I assured her as I drew her into my embrace. "You gave it your all."
She had woken up already. But she was crying even more. She hugged me tightly and her crying only kept growing.
"Think about it for a moment. When you were pregnant with that... our child, your life was in danger. Even though you were aware of this, you decided to keep it because it was our child and you loved it. How many people do you believe will choose the life of an unborn child over their own? It took a lot of guts for you to do that.
No matter how many times I tried to persuade you to get rid of it, you were steadfast in your decision. You did not care about your life at all. You just wanted to save that child. Then when those two bastards took you away, you still managed to get away from them. You could have saved your child if it hadn't been for their malicious act.
And they gave you that potion while you were unconscious, sweetie. There was nothing else you could do. You tried enough, more than enough. No one could have done a better job than you. So, don't blame yourself."
I did not know how much I succeeded in comforting her. But she stopped crying a bit though her hiccups did not stop.
"You know, our child might not be here, but it is in your heart. It will remain there all the time, right? All you can do now is continue to live and be brave. It will want its mommy to do so as well. You should try to be happy. That...
our child will be happy if its mommy is happy. So, smile all the time and be happy. Our child will be watching you as well. It won't want its mommy to be sad, right? After all, none of us wants to see our loved ones sad."
"The baby loves me?"
"Of course. You gave it so much love. How can it not love you?"
"I thought our baby was disappointed in me because I failed as a..."
"You did not fail as a mother. You did well. Our baby knows this as well. And it loves you a lot. You should not be sad. If our baby sees you sad, it will be sad as well."
"But... I'm attempting to move on, to be happy... It's just... every time I smile, I remember my baby's face from my dream... And I can't help but think it's entirely my fault that I lost my baby..."
In her dream, I took the child away from her to kill it because it had black eyes. Even though I did not like the child much and did not want it to have black eyes, I would not go as far as killing it just because it had black eyes. Even a demon like myself had a conscience.
But I could not tell her anything. Would she believe me if I said I would not have killed it like that, snatching it from her arms? That was just too much.
I gently rubbed her back without a word. She cried silently. It was painful to see her like that. My beautiful and smiling wife to be in this state- it was truly heartbreaking.
"Dem... We won't have a child soon. But we will surely have a beautiful child later, okay?"
"..."
"I want a baby. I want to take care of it. Well, I can't turn the time, but I can try to do better in the future. I want to be a good mother who my child can rely on more than anyone else. I will love it a lot and make sure my baby gets what it wants..."
"... Yes," I said finally. "We will have a child and take care of it... together."
"Together, right? You promise me, right?"
"Yes, I promise," I said. "We will take care of it."
'For you, I will try to love it. I don't know if it's possible, but I promise I will try with all my heart. For you, I can do anything.'
"I have changed my mind. Even if our future child has black eyes, I will accept it," I said. "I will try to love it because it's proof that we love each other so much. I am not sure if I will do okay. So, you will be there to guide me, won't you?"
"Yeah... I will be."
She fell asleep after a while again. I carefully placed her on the bed and wrapped her in the blanket. I moved slowly down the bed so she would not get up.
I opened the door of the balcony and stepped outside, wearing my robe. It was dark outside now. I lit a cigar and blew the smoke into the air while resting my elbows on the railing.
"Should I try to be a bit more human?" I mumbled. "Haa, I am a werewolf, an Alpha... yet I am thinking about trying to behave like a human... But now that I think about it, it won't be a bad thing to have a bit more sympathy inside me. I wonder why I turned out to be like this- so emotionless and like a fucking bastard who does not care about anything.
The only thing that concerns me is the things regarding my wife."
I thought she would be happy if I loved her unconditionally. No, it was a lie that I kept telling myself so I would not feel guilty about binding her to me in the name of giving her love. I was just a sly bastard who was obsessed with her and wanted all of her.
I knew how wrong I was. But I never accepted it myself. Was it because I had not been in my right mind for the past seven years? If that was the case, then those who ruined me could fuck off. Because of them, I was in a state like this. Just what did they want?
Everything was annoying. If I could get the mastermind of the plan, I would just ruin the face of that person.
Now that I thought about it, I had the suspicion that it was someone who was related to Blue's father or her father himself. He was a dark mage after all and a powerful one at that.
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