The Simulacrum

Chapter 31

I shivered for a moment after the longest, and second most nauseating, teleportation experience I had since I discovered this new ability of mine. Unlike the previous occasions, when I only felt the world blur for a blindingly fast split-second, this time the process felt like swimming through molasses. It wasn't as bad as when I tried to teleport outside of my 'range' while running away from the Chimera, but it was a close second. There didn't seem to be other complications though, so I quickly focused my attention on getting my churning stomach under control, an endeavor not helped by the thick, musty stink of excrement, sweat, and blood in the air.

While I steadied my breathing, my eyes slowly adjusted to the dimness of the environment, and I had to conclude that the place was just as oppressively dreary as I had seen it through my Far Sight, though unfortunately it didn't prepare me for the stench. I was, for lack of better descriptors, inside a dungeon. Not the fantasy kind, with labyrinthine tunnels and goblins and treasure chest, but the honest to goodness medieval kind.

On my left and right, I could see a worn-down (yet inexplicably clean) cobblestone corridor running so long I could not see either of its ends under the poor lighting conditions. In fact, the only light sources I could find were the ancient-looking doors made of metal bars set into the stone walls at regular intervals, though I had a feeling their enchantment-light was something only I could see. They dressed the dark, fetid, and quite malodorous place in a soft purple glow that didn't help the eeriness factor one bit. To be honest, at this point I wouldn't have been surprised if someone started screaming from the top of their lungs and shaking a bunch of chains just for the sake of ambiance.

Anyways, in case the description didn't make it abundantly clear, let me spell it out right here and now: I was currently inside the high-security jails of house Inanna. Well, 'high-security' by medieval standards at the least, as there were no cameras or even magical surveillance of any kind in sight. Or guard posts. Or guards, for that matter

On second look, the whole place looked downright primitive and about as secure as a padlock made of paper mache, but hey, maybe they had a good reason for locking up their prisoners in a musty old dungeon instead of a state of the art detention center. I mean, besides being anachronistic for the sake of it. You can never know.

At any rate, since I managed to get my nausea under control, I decided to put the motivations of the local non-demons aside for a moment, and so I focused on the actual reason behind my unannounced visit to this fine establishment. I took a silent step towards the closest cell door and took a look inside through the bars. It was about as grim as you would expect from a stereotypical old-school prison cell, with nothing but a stone floor, a bed seemingly made of a collection of random planks, and a single bucket in the corner. After taking in the scenery (and ignoring the bucket and its contents), I focused my attention on the bed, or rather, the huge shape under a thin, brown linen sheet upon it.

"[Greetings to you, scout-general,]" I spoke in a series of familiar guttural grunts that made my throat tingle with effort. The moment I did so, the body under the sheets shuddered and I could see a head slowly turn in the darkness, topped by a curiously swiveling sheep-like ear. After a moment of tense silence, the rest of his body started to move as well as the large Faun slowly sat up on his rudimentary bedding and let his sorry excuse of a blanket fall to the side.

To be perfectly honest, I expected Brang to be in bad shape, but he seemed to be mostly fine. He exchanged his armor for a pair of glowing violet shackles on his wrists, but otherwise he was no worse for wear. Said bindings were connected by a slightly translucent chain that reminded me of the one they used to tie up Josh, except this one was actively pulsing with magic or whatnot. His softly glowing eyes scanned the insides of the cell before finally settling on me on the other side of the bars, and then he slightly cocked his head to the side in a familiar and very human gesture belying the fact that he was a huge half-ram-person built like a proverbial brick shithouse.

"[How curious,]" he whispered in a deep, raspy voice that still managed to boom like he was talking into a tube. "[I never thought my mind would start playing such tricks on me after only a few meager days. This is quite distressing.]"

I gave the Faun a long, skeptical look, but since he didn't seem to get the clue, I let out a tired breath and told him, "[Alas, you would not be capable to refute your relation to your snow-haired mistress even if you endeavored to do so.]"

"[Truly?]" he replied with a slightly guarded tone as his thick brows furrowed in confusion.

"[Verily. Your words upon laying your eyes on me are like her reflection in a mirror,]" I muttered, once again annoyed by how verbose the Faun language was despite it consisting of nothing more than various grunts on the surface.

Brang let out a curious sound as he stood up and took a slightly unstable step towards me, never breaking eye contact in the process.

"[Is that truly you, Leonard Blackcloak?]"

"[In both flesh and bone,]" I replied with a small sigh, then I hastily added, "[Though before we share words, I would request that you would cease to address me by that title in the future, as it carries untold amounts of embarrassment.]"

"[It is you indeed,]" he somehow concluded in our short exchange, followed by one of those huge, toothy smiles that made me instinctively want to take a step back. "[Thine visit is unexpected, but in no way an unpleasant one. Courtesy would dictate that I should invite you in, but I'm afraid I seem to have misplaced the key."]

I couldn't help but smile in amusement at his words.

"[I'm glad to see your spirit suffered little in your captivity. Speaking of such, I've come here to inquire about a matter regarding the-one-whose-name-means-snow."]

At this point I paused to clear my throat, mostly to mask my aggravation at the Faun language's continued inability to express nicknames. Brang might've mistaken it for something else, as his ears flattened for a moment in apprehension.

"[Is the heiress safe?]"

"Huh?" I grunted in surprise, but then I quickly told him, "[Naturally. While the events have inflicted a great toll on her, she-whose-name-is-snow is currently resting in my home under my protection.]"

"[Is that so?]" Brang whispered in relief with a surprisingly soft voice. "[My words mean no offense, yet while thine promise in front of the gate to our land eased my fears, I'm nevertheless greatly relieved that the Wingless Lords have not discovered the heiress.]"

"[As a matter of fact, they have but only in the case that your words refer to the leeches of the lines of power,]" I answered, only to nearly roll my eyes. How did 'the mages' turn into that by the time it left my mouth continued to be a mystery.

The Faun's eyes opened wide for a moment, then there was a confused look in them as he asked, "[They have?]"

"[Yes. We did not wish for her to live as a runaway, therefore we informed their house of learning, and they have placed her in my care. She shall live with me for the future which is foreseen, and I shall shelter her as her patron.]"

"[Truly?]" he asked with disbelief clearly audible in his voice, so I gave him an emphatic nod. He fell silent for a moment, and at last his shoulders seemed to lose some of their tension as he told me, "[I have lived for many seasons, yet I've never heard of such a thing. I can't help but wonder how you have accomplished this.]"

"[It is a long and intricate tale; I can tell you that with the utmost confidence.]"

"[Is that so? Then I believe it is a wonderful coincidence that I have no pressing matters that could come between me and listening to thine telling,]" he replied, followed by a small chuckle.

"[That may be, but before we would discuss my less than illustrious exploits, I would sincerely ask you to enlighten me about the reason behind your current predicament.]" The Faun raised a single questioning brow (which annoyed me a little, as even he was better at it than me), so I continued with, "[To speak my words with the greatest honesty, when I embarked to arrange this meeting with you, I was not expecting to find you in the bowels of the earth. Just how did your esteemed self end up in this place?]"

"[Aye, thine question is justified. The Chasm of Desolation is not a place one would, or indeed could, enter without good reason.]" Brang suddenly blinked and gave me a strange look that said he just realized something. "[Speaking of such, I can't help but wonder about thine present in front of me at this very moment. Truly curious.]"

"[Tell me your tale, and I may even let you witness my ways first-hand,]" I answered with a not-at-all cocky grin, earning me an amused snort from the Faun, then one of his hands reached up to his chin and he used his thick fingers to pat the short beard growing from it.

"[As fair a trade as any, I suppose. You see, my tale is not long at all. It started on the night we last met. Upon our return from the world above, the uproar upon the defeat of my liege has shaken house Inanna to the core. Since I was the only officer of the Faun Inanna present, my liege and the elders of the house were truly curious about my account of the events that transpired that night. My chronicle of the incident was thorough and true, thus I was immediately found guilty of dereliction of duty and treason of the highest order. I was stripped of my rank among the Faun Inanna in short order and then they cast me into the Chasm of Desolation, as it is tradition.]"

"[Please restrain your beasts of burden!]" I interrupted him with yet another badly mangled translation, but I didn't care this time, as I immediately continued with, "[Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard rumors of your liege disseminating the blame of his failure of epic proportions upon my and my comrades' undeserving shoulders. Could it be that you are yet another scapegoat in his schemes?]"

"[While it is not my place to criticize my liege's actions, but alas, I can do little to deny thine accusations. Indeed, I may have been cast aside, but such is the price of failure among my kin. At the very least my brood siblings have escaped the same fate.]"

"[Hardly something I would call linings made of silver,]" I grumbled. "[How long does your sentence last?]"

"[That is a peculiar thing to ask,]" he told me while once again petting his beard. "[I believe it would be accurate to say it shall last until the candle of my life is snuffed out, which shall happen rather sooner than later. Last I've heard from my wardens, my public execution shall commence within the week.]"

It took me several seconds to actually digest Brang's words, then I exclaimed, "[You must be excreting me!]" I blinked once in surprise then once more in exasperation over the fact that the Faun language was just as bad with swears as it was with nicknames and idioms, but then I suppressed my annoyance and said, "[Very well. While I admit that my reasons behind seeking you out were for my benefit, I will not let you suffer the indignity of death over the pettiness of your craven liege! You need but ask, and I shall extract you from this hole, or whatever you might have called it!]"

Brang gave me a strange look, then to my utter shock and confusion, he slowly shook his head.

"[I appreciate thine offer, but while my liege indeed placed the burden of guilt upon me in excess proportion, he was not mistaken in his assessment of the nature of my crimes. I not only granted you the opportunity to interfere with his plans, but you also did so with my own weapon. Such actions were indeed a dereliction of my duty, and I did so knowing that I might receive due punishment for them.]"

"[Bovine excrement!]" I exclaimed again. "[Did we not already conclude that it was only your liege's twisted scheme that placed the blame upon you? You have attempted to stop me, and I have overcome you in the Rites of Dominance, earning the right to wield your weapon. None of it was your willful doing.]"

"[It might be so]" Brang muttered with a difficult expression, but after a short while he pursed his lips into a thin line and then said, "[Alas, he 'is' still my liege. His verdict was spoken, and his words are my law.]"

I was about to object again, but then I stopped myself and took a deep breath instead. As I recalled, the Fauns were something of an honor-bound warrior culture, or at the very least Brang was a very blatant example of a 'proud warrior race guy', and yes, that was an actual character archetype. Trope semantics aside, I had already run into this problem the last time I met this guy and tried to convince him to let me go. Back then I managed to twist his code of honor just a little bit to give myself a fighting chance, and considering how dour and uncooperative he was right now, I concluded I'd probably have to do it again. Thankfully this time I already had a good idea in mind.

As such, I let out a provocative huff and directed a serious gaze at him.

"[Very well then. In that case, could you please enlighten me in regards to this question: if my memory serves me well, you told me you are no longer a scout-general of the Faun of house Inanna?]"

"[Aye,]" Brang readily agreed with a puzzled look in his eyes.

"[Please advise me in case my words ring untrue, but would that not mean that the-one-whose-hair-is-the-color-of-crows has dismissed you from his service?]"

"[A Faun's service to the house never ends, not even in death,]" the big guy gave me an answer that sounded like some kind of recited dogma with a somewhat guarded voice, as if he was already aware that I was about to try and twist his honor code.

"[A truly admirable trait, but you must have misunderstood my words. I did not claim he dismissed your service to the houseInanna, but to himself.]"

"[I understand your words, yet]" he paused while slowly furrowing his brows, seemingly deep in thought, "[I believe I can see what you are attempting to say. Stripped of my rank and role by the liege, I no longer need to serve him. Yet, as one of the Faun Innana, I shall forever serve the house, and he is the head of the house Inanna.]"

"[But not the house itself,]" I countered with a little more confidence once I was sure I had a foot in the door. "[As such, even if the craven one casts you aside, would serving another member of the house not uphold your obligations?]"

"[Aye, it would]" Brang muttered with a really conflicted expression, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"[It is quite reasonable, is it not? Since he no longer requires your services, I see no reason why you should not acquire a new master within the house Inanna.]"

Brang fell silent for quite a while after this, visibly wavering, then he said, "[Thine words are not entirely composed of sophistry, yet I fail to see how such an act would improve my prospects. No vassal of house Inanna would shelter one such as I against the wishes and wrath of the liege.]"

"[When have my words ever referred to a vassal?]" I asked with a knowing grin, prompting the ex-general in front of me to once again tilt his head in a curious manner.

"[You mean the young heiress, do you not?]"

"[Indeed I do,]" I answered with my smile growing even wider. "[Were you to return to her side, you would still serve her house, would you not? And should the crow-haired-one still wish to hold sway over your fate, he would need to order the one you serve, and she would certainly not allow you to meet an early demise at his hands.]"

"[Are you certain of thine words?]"

"[As certain as I am of the sun that rises on the east and rests on the west,]" I said waxing poetic, though to be honest, most of it was just the language using flowery words to interpret my meaning.

"[Hm.]" Brang let out a soft grunt as the soft glow in his eyes dimmed to a pinprick, probably as a result of him thinking really, really hard. I didn't know why he did it, as the answer was really obvious to me, but I was not an honor-bound warrior race guy, so I had no idea exactly how much mental anguish he could be under at the moment. My guess was 'a lot', by the way. At long last, the light literally returned to his eyes and he muttered, "[Tell me, do you know of the heiress' curse of obedience?]"

"[Naturally,]" I answered with a nod. "[It was already removed by the efforts of her own hands and the support of my comrade.]"

"[Truly?]" I nodded at his surprised question, but then his shoulders slouched again and he told me, "[Alas, while it fills me with joy to know the heiress no longer labors under the yoke of the head of the house]" He paused for a moment, and after patting his beard a bit more, he let out a rumbling breath. "[This is no decision that should be reached on a whim. I shall contemplate its ramifications to]"

"[Brang,]" I spoke sternly, causing the huge Faun in front of me to shudder like I just hit him on the head with a hammer. Since this was the first time I used his name, I was afraid I might've unwittingly stepped on a random supernatural social faux pas landmine, but since he only kept staring at me expectantly, I lightly cleared my throat and told him, "[I was under the impression that time was a commodity of which you had very little in your possession. Are you certain that spending it on such frivolous pondering is wise?]" I didn't really get any reaction out of him, so I hastily added, "[Especially when your mistress requires your service.]"

The ex-general kept looking at me in silence for a few long seconds, but then his huge shoulders slowly slouched as his lips parted in a somewhat self-derisive chuckle.

"[Aye, Blackcloak. Thine words are like honeyed venom, but they ring true all the same.]"

"[I take offense at such slander!]" I immediately objected. "[I also already requested for you to stop referring to me by such a title!]"

Brang's smile only widened in the face of my vehement protests, but the movement of his ears told me he was at least a little agitated.

"[You have indeed done so. Now, may I inquire about thine method of allowing my flight from this room?]" his eyes once again wandered around the cell before his gaze returned to me, at which point he continued, "[While I admit the quiet of this pit of darkness is soothing, and the food my wardens provide is not the worst I ever consumed, if I were to leave my present accommodations, I would under no circumstances mind doing so with haste.]"

"[The meaning of your words have not escaped me,]" I grumbled as I took a step towards the door, and I was just about to touch the bars and see if poking them with my anti-magic finger thing had any effect when I froze on my tracks and then quickly retracted my hands as an admittedly mischievous smile formed on my lips.

Actually, if I was here already, why didn't I cause some extra headache to Crowey and his posse? I mean, breaking the door would be neat, but when I tried to imagine how hopping mad they would be to figure out how Brang disappeared from his cell without any trace, I immediately decided to use a slightly more subtle approach. However, before I did so, I had to ask one last question.

"[Before I proceed to let you out of your cage, may I ask you if you have any unfinished business in the Abyss?]"

"[Unfinished business?]" Brang's muttered while he abruptly closed his eyes and then he followed it up with a meaningful chortle. "[Aye, I have.]"

"[You do?]" I replied with a raised brow. I really only asked to be polite before I took him out of the Abyss, so I didn't expect him to actually give me a positive answer.

"[My spear lies in the hands of my brood siblings. If I am to serve my heiress once more, it is only natural that I shall recover it first.]"

"[I see]" I mumbled with a resigned sigh and I extended my hand towards him through the bars of the door. "[Is it within your means to recover your weapon once I let you out of this cell?]" The Faun only gave me another toothy smile and a huge nod that felt like he wanted to head-butt me through the bars. I once again restrained my primal instincts telling me to step back and instead gestured for him to step closer. "[If so, then hold onto my hand.]"

"[Aye,]" Brang agreed with unusual enthusiasm, and in retrospect I realized it was probably because he mistook my outstretched hand for some kind of hot-blooded manly gesture of brotherhood, or at least something of that level of silliness.

In any case, he grabbed hold of my forearm with a grip that was just firm enough to be only slightly painful. I exerted some effort to make sure I didn't flinch, then I swiftly extended my Phantom Limb from my hand and skillfully wrapped it around the waist of the huge Faun on the other side of the bars. He gave me a weird look, as I didn't grasp onto his arm in turn, partially because his shackles were in the way, but mostly because even with my finger extended, my Phantom Limb was just barely long enough to get a proper hold of him, for a lack of better words.

For a second I wondered if I should ask him to step closer, but then I wiggled my invisible tendril a bit more until I was sure he was secured for transport. At last, I activated my Far Sight for a moment and then I immediately did a tiny little teleportation, just long enough to get the big guy out of the cell, and an unceremonious moment later I found myself standing in the corridor with a very confused looking Faun.

"[There,]" I told him with a reassuring grin, but he didn't react, instead his ears and eyes were twitching all over the place for several seconds.

"[What manner of trickery is this?]" he eventually asked once his attention had returned to me, and I casually shrugged my shoulders in response.

"[I have told you I'd release you from your captivity, did I not?]" I asked a rhetorical question, but then I took note of the shackles still loosely binding his hands. "[Now that I speak of granting you freedom, I believe it's best I remove your bindings as well.]"

Brang looked at me funny for a moment but, to his credit, instead of bombarding me with questions he simply extended both of his hands and gave me a small nod, as if to urge me to go ahead. At first, I wanted to raise my hand to do so, but then I recalled the fact that I still haven't done enough experiments on the dispelling capabilities of my phantom limb, so I sneakily looped it around the ethereal chain connecting the two manacles instead and yanked on it.

The manacles let out a sharp, metallic 'tink' as the chain flashed brightly for a moment, and then it honest to goodness disintegrated into what looked like purple dust. Less expected was the fact that the actual metal cuffs also followed suit, scattering iron dust around the corridor.

For a few seconds we were both completely silent, then Brang let out a pent-up breath and began massaging his wrists with a somewhat sheepish expression.

"[Forgive me for being presumptuous, but may I ask you to tell me how you accomplished that?]" he finally asked with a now-familiar tilt of the head, and thankfully I already had a bullshit excuse ready.

"[It was but one of my less common abilities. Once you enter into the service of the-one-whose-name-is-snow, you shall have many opportunities to see it again.]"

"[Truly?]" the Faun asked, and I naturally responded with a confident nod. "[How intriguing, to see something new and unexpected at my age.]"

He readily accepted my explanation, so I let out a silent, relieved sigh. In retrospect, I knew nothing about how the magic of those manacles actually worked, so I just as easily could've triggered a self-destruct sequence, but everything turned out fine, so I decided not to dwell on the issue.

"[Are you going to be able to leave this place on your own, or do you require further assistance?]" I asked my towering companion after I glanced down the seemingly endless corridor once again.

"[Nay,]" Brang shook his head with a strangely amused expression. "[I may be old and disgraced, yet I, Brang Shadowfeet, already have all I need to carve a path for myself.]"

"[I am uh most certainly glad to hear that. I shall find you once you have recovered your weapon and whatever other business you may wish to attend to before leaving.]"

"[Truly? Should we not agree on a site of meeting?]" the Faun inquired with a somewhat skeptical expression.

"[Worry not. I have found you once, I shall find you again.]"

Brang kept looking at me in silence for a few seconds, then he let out a subdued chortle as he turned around and raised his hand in a lazy wave, following which his whole body got enveloped in a familiar haze that distorted his silhouette. I watched his back until his outlines slowly melted into the darkness of the hallway, and only then did I let out a bottled-up sigh. In the end, I didn't even ask him about the document forger, but I figured I'd have plenty of opportunities to do so once I brought him over.

Speaking of which, I realized I just had a brand new reason to find and establish a secret base, as while Brang was surprisingly amicable, I didn't want to have him live in my house too. I mean, letting Snowy stay over was one thing, having a giant half-ram muscle-bound warrior do so was something else entirely.

Anyways, I closed my eyes, and I was just about to ponder on whether I should go home or stay around and use Far Sight to keep an eye on Brang when I realized that, amongst all the various red dots, there was one I hadn't been paying much attention to lately, and when I did so, I couldn't help but let an impish smile conquer my face. I supposed Brang would be fine, and I had no reason to go home in a hurry, so if I was here already, why didn't I cause some mayhem on the side? Thinking so, my smile deepened with just a bit of malice as I disappeared from the prison without a sound.

"Hi Dormouse, I'm home!" I loudly announced as I arrived back in my room while simultaneously clamping onto a certain deadpan girl's waist from behind. I didn't know whether it was the voice or the sudden physical contact, but Judy immediately let out an uncharacteristic (if admittedly pretty gosh darn cute) 'Eep!' sound, followed by a moment of silence.

"Chiiiief?" my assistant asked in a flat yet somehow still pretty threatening voice as she glanced over her shoulder. "Could you stop doing that? Do you want to give me a heart attack?"

"Oh, please! You complained that I wasn't acting like a proper boyfriend, so the first thing I did after coming home was to embrace you, and yet this is the reaction I get? I'm hurt."

"No, you are not." Saying so, Judy deftly turned around while still in my embrace so that we were face to face. Or rather, face to neck due to the height difference, but I decided it was a semantic question worth ignoring. There was something slightly harder to ignore happening at the same time though: due to our close proximity, I was once again reminded of the fact that while Judy might not have had the glamorous proportions of Elly or the sheer bust size of a certain class rep, she sure as hell wasn't flat either, as the soft sensation on my abdomen readily testified. That, combined with her upturned eyes made me smile wryly back at her, and so she stated, "You are in high spirits."

"Does it really look like that?" I asked back absent-mindedly.

"Yes," my dear girlfriend nodded while still looking me in the eye, then her brows ever so slightly furrowed for a moment. "Where have you been?"

"Didn't I tell you?"

Judy immediately shook her head.

"No. We were talking about doing something about Neige's missing papers, then you said 'I happen to know a guy who does' something. After that you stared at the wall for a few seconds, then you told me, 'I have to go now, I will be back in a moment', and then you stood up and disappeared."

" That was a terrible impression of me," I grumbled.

"Really? I think it was very accurate."

I wanted to ask 'Since when do I sound like a posh British aristocrat!?', but seeing her completely serious expression, I decided not to press the issue, lest the discussion would get derailed into oblivion, so I gave a noncommittal, "If you say so," and called it a day with that.

"So, where did you go?" Judy inquired again, so I let her go, took a step towards my bed, and then gestured for her to sit down with me.

"Okay, listen to this! It all started with using Far Sight on Brang," I told her with a mischievous smirk as I took a seat.

"Wait," Judy stopped me in my tracks as she stood before me. "Brang was the Faun," she stated.

"Yes," I answered with a small nod, though I quickly realized it was a statement instead of a question.

"The Faun who returned to the Abyss with the rest," she stated again, brows slowly slanting down into an angry frown I couldn't really understand. Still, I nodded in the affirmative, at which point her expression went even more deadpan than usual, and then a moment later she raised a hand for a somewhat clumsy facepalm combined with a frustrated groan. "Chief, please tell me you didn't actually teleport into the Abyss."

"Um I actually did," I responded uncertainly, still not understanding why she was making such a fuss.

"The actual Abyss. Where Neige came from," she stressed again with an expression that was getting closer to helpless than angry.

"Yes. Is there another one?"

Judy apparently didn't find my comment amusing, as she kept staring deadpan daggers at me.

"Chief," she suddenly started, then just as abruptly paused, only to then finally grumble, "Do you ever think anything through before doing it?"

"Excuse me?" I asked back, a little baffled by her reaction.

"You still don't understand," came the next condemning statement. "I still don't know how you can be so smart and yet so careless at the same time."

" Okay, let's say I admit that I am a bit of an idiot and I have absolutely no idea what you are going on about right now. Would you please explain it to me if I asked nicely?"

Judy gave me a withering look (once again, by her standards), crossed her arms, and ultimately said, "Very well. I will walk you through this one. Where did you go?"

"Um to meet Brang?" I reiterated with a slightly guarded voice, but she only gestured for me to continue, so I ventured, "To the Abyss?"

"Yes," she said with a stern nod. "What is the defining characteristic of the Abyss?"

"It's full of Abyssals?" I guessed, still a little lost. Since that didn't seem to be the answer she was looking for, I continued with, "It's a prison? For the Abyssals?"

"Close enough," she relented. "What keeps them there?"

"The barrier," I answered reflexively.

"Yes, the impenetrable barrier designed to keep the Abyssals sealed inside. Do you start to see the issue yet?"

"I um It's only mostly impenetrable," I protested somewhat feebly. "I mean, I got in without too much problem."

"But you didn't know that ahead of time," she once again stated with one hundred percent certainty, and while I wanted to protest, I really couldn't, as she was correct. Judy let out a tired breath and added, "Furthermore, even if you knew you could enter with your teleportation ability, there was no way for you to know you could come back. Am I right?"

"Well yes, you are right" I admitted, and as I did so, I unconsciously averted my eyes.

"Did you consider this before you teleported there?"

" No."

"Do you understand now why I am angry with you?"

" Kinda."

For a few seconds, there was a heavy silence between us, but thankfully it didn't last too long, as Judy once again raised her hand to her forehead.

"Chief, I suspected this much in the past, but this incident made it certain: you lack even a semblance of risk assessment. You jump into action on a whim without first measuring the possible negative consequences. For example, imagine that you could teleport into the Abyss, but the barrier did what it was designed for and stopped you on the way out. What would you have done then, trapped in there? You had no money, no way to contact us, no connections over there, and one of the Lords absolutely hates you with a passion. Did you think about how you could've been hunted, captured, or worse? Did you think about how that would've affected the rest of us? Did you even consider how it would affect me if you suddenly disappeared with no way to contact you?"

"I I'm sorry," I apologized before I even knew it. I was thinking about multiple ways to refute her words while she was talking, but in the end I couldn't say any of them. "I suppose I really didn't think this through. At all." At this point I glanced back at her and tried to give her a winning smile while saying, "But on the bright side, things turned out fine, and we even learned that I can enter and exit the Abyss at will."

"Yes, but what about the next time? Or the time after that? If you don't think things through and keep jumping into possible danger like that, it's only a question of time before things don't turn out so well, and then what? Chief, you have only one life; you can't risk it like that."

"Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I'm not a supercomputer that can predict the outcomes of my every action."

"That's why, from now on, every time you make a decision, you have to turn it in for me to approve. In triplicate."

That comment immediately made me raise a clumsy eyebrow.

"Are we still having a serious discussion? I could swear that a moment ago we were having a serious discussion? Did I miss a page? Is this still on?"

My girlfriend gave me an unsubtle roll of the eye and she promptly sat down by my side, which simultaneously drained a lot of tension out of me.

"No, we are still having a serious discussion, I just know that if I don't lighten the mood every once in a while, you're going to throw in a non-sequitur to do so and it would completely derail the conversation for the foreseeable future."

"I wouldn't" I began, but then I thought about it for a moment. "Actually, now that I think about it, I probably would. Huh. It appears you know me better than even I do."

"Naturally," Judy nodded as she sidled closer to me on the bed, then her expression became serious again as she told me, "I just want you to be aware of the fact that you are an irredeemable hothead who doesn't think anything through and because of that he ends up in ridiculous situations. Like almost voluntarily trapping himself in our local underworld. Or having two girlfriends."

"I get it, I get it! Geez!" I moaned with a bit of theatrical flair.

"I'm glad to hear it," Judy responded with a nod and an expression that didn't seem confident in me at all. "So, what did you do in the Abyss?"

"Oh, right, I haven't told you that yet, have I?" I mused very thoughtfully, which definitely wasn't a ploy to buy me some time to gather my wits and figure out how to break some of the news to her.

"You haven't," she replied matter-of-factly.

"Soooo I told you that I went to see Brang, right?"

"Yes. I reckon it was because Neige mentioned him earlier today."

"That's right. I went to the Abyss to learn the identity of the document forger they used the last time." After I said so, Judy gave me a blank look, followed by a defeated sigh, so my next words might have come out a little nervous when I asked her, "What? What's the problem?"

"Chief, we have the Celestial Hub at our fingertips. If you gave me half an hour, I could get you three of those."

"Yes, but if those guys are connected to the Celestials. It would leave a trace," I countered. "If we used one of their contacts, some hyperactive overachiever on the site might wonder where we learned of them, and even if they can't trace things back to us in particular, they might think there's a leak in the Hub and could become more vigilant in the future."

Judy looked at me with a slightly skeptical look in her eyes, but she soon relented with a reserved, "It makes sense. So much so that I think it's just another one of your post-hoc rationalizations."

"Hey! I do consider things carefully from time to time."

"You sure do," she replied with a voice made extremely biting by the lack of overt sarcasm, then she continued with, "So, did you learn where we can find a forger?"

"Erm, actually" I stuttered for a moment, so I cleared my throat and spoke in a slightly more audible tone. "Actually, you know how Crowey shifted all the blame of his colossal failure onto us in general and yours truly in particular?" Judy gave me a suspicious nod, so I continued, "Well, as it turns out Brang was also made into a fall guy, and when I met him, he was locked up in this really old-school dungeon."

"The kind with goblins and treasure chests?"

"Nah, the medieval kind."

"Oh. The kind with chains, metal bars, and buckets then."

"Precisely," I answered with a toothy grin.

"So?"

"Weeeell" I began while absent-mindedly scratching the back of my neck. "You see, he got screwed over by Crowey and was about to be executed, and as we all know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so we had a long talk, and then"

"And then you helped him break out of prison," Judy finished my line for me.

"Yup, though only a little. I just got him out of his cell; he said he can take care of the rest."

My girlfriend gave me another one of those really critical looks of hers, then she let out a small breath, presumably either in defeat or disappointment.

"So in short, you used your as-of-yet not fully tested teleportation ability to go into the Abyss to talk with a scary Faun who looks like a demon and who already tried to kill you once, and then you set him free."

"Yes, that is more or less accurate except I wouldn't call Brang 'demonic' per se. I mean, he is big and kinda rammy, plus he has glowy eyes, and he lives in not-hell with the not-demons, and I'm going to shut up now before I dig myself even deeper."

My dear assistant shook her head again, and although the tiny twitch in the corner of her mouth didn't escape my notice, a moment later she was looking at me sternly once again.

"Did you at least get the identity of the forger out of him?"

"Well"

Judy's eyes once again shone with naked skepticism as she stared at me.

"You forgot."

"Not really, I was just a little distracted by the whole jailbreak business." Judy didn't take my excuse well, so I hastily added, "Not to mention, it doesn't really matter, because we already agreed that I'd get him out of the Abyss and he would join us. After that, I can even get him to show me where to go in person."

" You hired the Faun that tried to kill you just a few days ago," Judy stated with a voice so flat it could be faxed.

"Technically I only convinced him that it is in his best interest to swear allegiance to Snowy instead of her brother."

Over the span of several seconds, my assistant's gaze slowly transformed from critical to resigned, and eventually she said, "Please tell me he isn't going to live in your house too."

"Hell no!" I answered without thinking. "I mean, I like the guy, but there is no way he can fit in here."

"So?"

"I was thinking about having him live in our future secret base," I answered confidently. "After all, I need someone I can Far See to be present there so that I could teleport to the site. He can also guard the place against intruders, and he would have a roof over his head. Everyone wins."

" Another post-hoc rationalization?"

"No, I Wait, why was that a question?"

"Because I can't tell."

"Then how am I supposed to know? Didn't we already establish that you know me better than I do?"

"Now that you mention it, I suppose I do," Judy concluded with a nod, but then her eyes quickly narrowed in suspicion as she added, "And that's why I know you are not telling something and trying to change the subject."

"Wait, really?" I blurted out in surprise. "I mean I don't know what you are talking about."

"Come on Chief, just say it. I promise I won't be too mad."

"That still means you are going to be a little mad."

"Oh?" Judy gave me a triumphant look. "So it is something I would be mad about. I knew it."

" I walked into that one, didn't I?"

"Splendidly," she agreed with a nod. "So, are you telling?"

"After this, I'm not sure anymore."

Judy didn't say anything for a while, and instead she reached out and gently pinched my two cheeks and began ineffectually tugging at them. I let her do so for a few seconds while getting increasingly baffled, but in the end I couldn't take it anymore and asked, "Okay, so, I know you are doing a 'thing' now, but for the love of me I cannot figure out what it is."

"I'm pulling your cheeks," she stated as if it was self-evident.

"Yes, I get that part," I grumbled, "I just don't get why."

"My research says it's a form of playful punishment that is also a sign of affection, particularly between couples."

"Really?" I wondered aloud for a moment, and on second thought I did recall something similar, though the image that came to mind actually involved stretching the cheeks instead of, well, whatever she was doing at the moment. "I suppose there might really be something like that, but isn't that usually done to the girls?"

"That's sexist, and now you should be ashamed of your horrid male-chauvinist ways," Judy stated with a deadpan voice as she continued to ineffectually try to pinch my cheek without actually causing even the mildest discomfort.

"Okay, we are getting nowhere fast at this rate," I told her with a subtle roll of the eye, but then I raised my hands to her face and pinched her cheeks in turn. "See, I think this is how you are supposed to do it." Saying so, I very carefully stretched her cheeks a little, earning me a small frown.

"So I just have to put more strength into it," she concluded, somehow, and then she proceeded to lean in closer to me. Now, I would like to point out that at this point I kind of realized we were evoking a situation that would lead to either an awkward conclusion or a bucketload of sexual tension, but before I could do something about it, Judy put too much strength into her arms and not enough into her fingers, which led to her losing her grip on my face and then on her own balance as she fell forwards. Since I had my hands up at her face, which wasn't exactly the best body part to grab onto to stop someone's tumble, and since I knew that if I tried to lower my hands it was guaranteed to lead to some embarrassing breast-related shenanigans, I wisely decided to open my arms instead and catch Judy in a bear hug.

She let out a soft, if quite obviously distressed sound, then she looked up from my chest with a strange expression on her face and asked, "What just happened?"

"Well, if I had to guess" I began, but then the mysterious, yet at this point practically tangible forces of dramatic timing reared their ugly heads once again as a certain Abyssal girl opened my door without even knocking.

"Leo, I wanted to ask if" Snowy began as she stuck her head through the gap, but then her words came to an abrupt halt as she noticed us on the bed. "Am am I intruding?"

I closed my eye for a moment as I stifled a slightly annoyed chuckle and then gestured for her to stay.

"Nah, you aren't," I calmly told Snowy while letting go of Judy, but then once we both sat down properly I still grabbed hold of her waist again and pulled her a little closer, and said, "We are just being close like usual."

"I see that," the slightly flushed girl responded with an awkward smile.

"You said you wanted to ask something?" I quickly prompted her before we could lapse into a tense silence.

"Oh, you are right," my new housemate exclaimed with eyes wide open. "I want something clarified."

"I'm listening."

"So... Uuu... You said I can have everything in the room, right?"

"Yes, that's what I said," I confirmed with a small nod, slightly intrigued by her constant fidgeting.

"When you said 'everything', did you mean... all of it?"

"... That's the definition of the word, yes."

"Really? Great!" she suddenly beamed at me in genuine delight, but then she quickly toned it back to her previous, slightly embarrassed expression. "I-I mean, thanks for the clarification! I'll go now and let you... um... be close? B-Bye!"

Saying so, Snowy abruptly pulled her head back and shut the door with slightly more vigor than strictly necessary, leaving us in a strange silence.

"So, what do you think that was?" I cautiously asked to break the delicate atmosphere in the room.

"Very embarrassing," came the blunt answer from my ever so slightly flushed girlfriend.

"Really?" I reacted with measured incredulity. "I was a little surprised, but I wouldn't say it was that embarrassing."

"And that fills me with a profound sense of worry for our future," Judy continued to softly grumble, but then a moment later he glanced up at me again and said, "Also, you still didn't tell me what else you did in the Abyss."

"Oh, fine," I grumbled. "It's wasn't even that big a deal."

"Then you should have no reason to keep it from me," she countered, earning a defeated groan from me in the process.

"Okay, so here it is in a nutshell: I was already in the Abyss, right?" Judy gave me a firm nod even though it was just a rhetorical question, so I continued, "So, after I parted with Brang, I realized if I was in the neighborhood, I might as well pay a visit to Crowey."

"Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did"

"Unfortunately I don't know what you think about, so I'll just tell what happened: I spied on him for a while, and when the opportunity presented itself, I used my teleportation ability to sneak into his study just as he was leaving and I made a bit of a mess there."

"Such as?" Judy asked, though the small twitch in the corner of her left eye told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answer.

"Nothing serious. I mixed up a few of his parchments in the drawers, I arranged the paperclips on his desk to look like a giant penis, I wrote him a letter in fake blood, I drew mustaches on the paintings in the room, that kind of stuff. Just harmless pranks."

The skepticism in Judy's disapproving stare was palpable as she questioned, "Chief, did you honestly think I would skim over the part with the fake blood?"

"Well, no, but it was worth a try," I answered with fake sheepishness.

"Where did you get the fake blood? And more importantly, what did you write?"

"Crowey had some or at the very least I really hope it wasn't real blood, but with him, you can never know. As for the contents of the letter" I paused for a moment, mostly just to tease the cautiously expectant girl by my side, then I ultimately explained, "Well, I figured causing some headache to the guy would help us in the long run, so I wrote him a very loquacious letter filled to the brim with ye-olde-English. You know, full of 'thy' and 'thou' and the like? Kinda how the Faun talk, but even more obnoxious."

"I understand, but what did you actually write?" Judy prompted me, obviously getting a little impatient.

"Oh, you know, just more prank stuff about how I was letting him know that his security was crap and that our assassins could end his life whenever we wanted but decided not to because he is so pathetic that keeping him as a Lord is better for us so that his place couldn't be taken by someone actually competent. Oh, and I also made fun of his face and called him a nincompoop."

"You keep saying 'us'" Judy implied a question, though her tone told me she once again wasn't certain she wanted to know.

"Ah, that's the best part," I told her with a toothy grin. "I actually signed the letter in Celestial Script. Or at least I think I did. You know even I don't really understand my knack for languages, right? Anyway, I wrote some random gibberish, though it probably won't matter, as the important bit is that he would think it was done by the Celestials. Put all of that together, and I'm pretty sure he will freak out for a while, focus on tightening his security, and hopefully even further delay his inevitable comeback. So, what do you think?"

Judy gave me the silent treatment for several seconds with a really withering look. At the end of the day, she let out a sharp breath and declared, with perfect seriousness, "You are making me consider actually making those triplicate forms."

"Oh, come on, Dormouse!" I complained, but my pleas apparently fell on deaf ears as she shook her head in response.

"I'm serious. You need to learn how to rein in your troublemaking impulses," as she said that she reached into her pocket and took out her phone. "I'll start by setting a few rules. Rule number one: 'If it would make Judy angry at you, don't do it'."

"Wait, are you actually writing those down?"

"Rule number two: 'If it would make Judy annoyed, don't do it'."

"You are serious" I concluded as she kept going.

"Rule number three: 'If it would cause a scandal between the supernatural powers, don't do it'."

"Okay, just how many of these rules do you want to make?!"

That question finally got her to pause as she thoughtfully raised her index finger to her chin, then she stated, "About two hundred twenty-one right now." Seeing my flabbergasted reaction, Judy gave me her version of a small smile and added, "Don't worry, we can discuss them all today. I already called my mother earlier and told her I'll be sleeping over at a friend's house."

"Hold on!" I objected with a raised hand. "You want to tell me your parents agreed to stay over at my place just like that?"

"Technically I am staying with Neige tonight, you just happen to live in the same house," she told me with a neutral expression that I was two hundred percent sure had an impish grin hidden behind it, and then she casually raised her phone again and continued with, "Rule number four: 'If it would'"

As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures, and so I did the first thing that came to mind and suddenly grabbed hold of my assistant, much to her shock and surprise, and then with a small heave I placed her on my lap while hastily declaring, "Oh look at the time it's actually cuddling-o-clock we almost missed it how about we continue this conversation never?"

Judy was quite flustered at first, then seemingly annoyed as she looked back over her shoulder and stared me in the eye, but when I flashed her my most winningest smile that has ever been smiled in the history of winning smiles, she looked as if she resigned herself and she leaned back against my chest with a small shrug and an understated 'Fine.'

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how I managed to avert disaster once again. Yay me.

However, just as I was about to congratulate myself, Judy whispered while typing, "Six in the evening is cuddling-o-clock. Noted."

And that ladies and gentlemen, was how I managed to accidentally invent sanctioned daily cuddling time. Yay me?

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