The Protagonist System

107 Just Deserts

“It's about time you came out of hiding, you coward!” Mitsurugi shouted when I stepped outside the guild hall.

It drew the attention of the people that had somehow gathered in the brief time I had been inside talking to Luna and she pleaded for the idiot's life. I suspected that he and his party had made a bit of noise to get them to come out to watch and now he was playing up to the audience.

“I'm not the one that's decided being an assassin for hire is better than being a hero saving people.” I countered and a few of the crowd gasped, as did his two companions.

“I'm saving them from witnessing your degeneracy! Laying with women outside of marriage! You're despicable!” Mitsurugi shouted.

The crowd didn't react that time and his two companions did. Both seemed shocked and exchanged odd looks, then frowned about something.

I did a quick check and probed their thoughts, only to find that they had been fighting over his affections and not getting anywhere, then fighting each other because they thought the other was getting in the way. Now they knew it was his mentality that was getting in both of their ways.

“What I do with a woman that is kind enough to give me some of her time, is none of your business. You are not the sex police, so kindly piss off and keep your self-imposed cuckholding to yourself.” I said and he gasped. “You have no authority to tell anyone who they can and can't have a relationship with.”

Mitsurugi grasped the hilt of his sword. “I am a hero! Of course I can!”

That had a few people react and they booed him. His two companions didn't look happy, either.

“You're not acting like a hero right now. You were hired to do the Lord of Axel's dirty work and kill me because he couldn't get me arrested.” I said and held up the notice for the crowd to see and their jeering became louder. “In fact, why don't I offer you twice the bounty to leave me alone and deal with him instead?”

Nearly everyone gasped.

“I knew you were a scoundrel!” Mitsurugi said and drew his magic sword that boosted his stats and skills by ten times. “Prepare yourself, criminal! I am about to dispatch you to the hell where you belong!”

“I assume that's a no?” I asked and tucked the notice away. “What about your two party members? Are they going to attack me as well?”

“I don't need their useless help to deal with a wretch like you!” Mitsurugi said and posed to attack.

His two companions looked surprised and then scowled at him.

“A warrior and a thief are useless?” I asked him and he nodded. “What kind of stupid quests are you taking that you can't use their help?”

“He never lets us help.” Cremea said and crossed her arms as she glared at him.

I got it immediately. “Ah, I see. He's protecting you from having to do the dirty work.”

“That's right! Only I, the hero of this world, am fighting to protect everyone!” Mitsurugi said, proudly. “The honor and the glory are mine.”

“Wow, you're not full of yourself or anything. How many times have you hurt your hand patting yourself on the back?” I asked him, genuinely curious.

“A lot.” Cremea said as her glare lessened and both she and the redhead Fio smiled.

That gave me an idea. “If that's the case, then let me make you two an offer. Leave his party and join mine, and I won't kill him for insulting me and treating you so badly.”

“Leave them out of this!” Mitsurugi shouted and his pose stiffened as if he was about to dash forward.

“I'm trying to save your life, you idiot. Let them speak!” I shouted back and he looked surprised.

The two girls put their heads together and whispered furiously. I listened to them and had to stop myself from smiling at their decision. I didn't want to spoil the surprise for the idiot and the large crowd that was eagerly watching.

“Satou Kazuma!” Cremea said loudly. “We refuse your generous offer and also refuse to help Kyoyo when he loses against a superior opponent.”

“WHAT?!?” Mitsurugi and the crowd shouted at the same time.

“You heard me. We didn't want to come all the way back here from the expensive inn we lived in to do a foolish errand for a big fish in a small pond.” Cremea said and Fio nodded. “Satou is right. It's none of your business who he spends his time with. You came here to kill him for offending your sensibilities and not for the payout.”

“You make more cleaning up the lands around the capitol every week.” Fio added.

Mitsurugi looked shocked. “You... you... don't agree with me?”

Both girls made scoffing sounds.

“Do you think we would let you dress us like this if we did?” Cremea asked and motioned to her tiny loincloth that only covered the front of her thong. “Winter is almost here! If I had tits, they'd be frozen and probably falling off right now!”

Fio nodded and put her hands over her own breasts and shivered.

I couldn't let that comment stand, so I took out my wand and hit them both with warming charms. “I hope that helps. It should last a few hours.”

Both girls sighed with relief. “Thank you, Satou.”

I put my wand away. “All right, Mitsurugi. Your last reprieve chose to let you face your mistake on your own.” I said and took a draw stance and put my hand on the hilt of my sword. “You came here to murder me for stupid reasons and refuse to make the one that hired you pay for it, so I have to deal with you in an appropriate manner.”

“As if a demon lover like you could ever handle a Hero of the people!” Mitsurugi said and went back to his other attack stance.

“You might want to change that to a defensive stance, not that it's going to save you.” I said and looked over at Cremea. “On your word, Cremea.”

Cremea caught her breath and then blushed at the honor. “Then... combatants, you will attack on three. One... two... three!”

*Swish!*

My sword made a click sound as I set it back into my sheath and I was 10 feet behind Mitsurugi. Everyone blinked and stared at me moving instantly 20 feet, then Mitsurugi mage a gurgle sound and his head flopped off of his severed neck and dropped to the ground. His body stayed standing in the attack pose for several seconds, then it dropped the sword and teetered and fell backwards.

There was a small flash of light and his physical body lost a bit of color and the sword disappeared. I took a deep breath and let it out, nodded to the two girls, and walked over to the armored body. I stored the head and the body to leave the armor empty. I took the money pouch off of it and stored the fancy armor that was worth quite a lot of Eris.

I walked back over to the two girls and held out the money pouch. “I doubt he ever shared the money he earned with you, considering he never shared the experience, either.”

Both of them took the sack with trembling hands. “He can do that?”

I nodded. “I've been boosting up my own party members by sharing my experience with them. Since I'm such a high level, they are jumping a bunch each time we update our Adventurer Registration Cards.”

They looked scandalized and angry.

“We'll be dissolving...” Cremea started to say.

I held up a hand and interrupted her. “Before you act rashly, if he has money kept at the guild or anywhere else, because you are his party members, you can claim it and split it.”

Both of them gasped and stared at me.

“I'm sure Luna can arrange any inter-guild transfers to here if you decide to stay for the winter.” I suggested and both girls gave me a longing look and then blushed. I smiled warmly at them and stepped back as I motioned to the guild's doors. “Shall we? I have a notice to post.”

They nodded and I walked ahead of them to hold the door for them. They gave me a shy smile and entered the guild hall and I turned to the waiting crowd, gave them a deep bow, and entered the guild behind the girls.

Luna was more than happy to transfer the 15 million Eris that Kyoyo Mitsurugi had the main Adventurer's Guild hold for him. Both girls split it and put it into their own accounts. They didn't take anything out because the sack they held had 300,000 Eris in it already, which they happily split. It was then that they dissolved the party and submitted requests to join mine.

I tried to tell them to not be too hasty in jumping right into another party and they laughed. They didn't try to explain that I was the best option for them to go with, since I had defeated whom they thought was so strong that he was undefeated up until he met me. They just gave me longing looks.

I chuckled and nodded. “I'll talk to Megumin and Darkness when I go back to the Tower. I'm sure they'll enjoy having two more beautiful ladies in our party.”

“We'll get a room nearby for the night and you can let us know their decision.” Cremea said and Fio nodded.

I thought about that and nodded as well. I couldn't bring them to the Tower if they weren't going to be accepted into the party. Teasing the succubi like that would earn me their ire.

“We'll look around tomorrow for some winter clothing.” Fio said and Cremea nodded.

“I can recommend a few places.” Luna said and gave them both a look. “As long as you don't use your skills on the people running them.”

Both girls shook their heads.

“That policy is my fault, actually.” I said and then explained about the inn she recommended being run by thieves, the guild not doing anything about it, and me burning their building down.

Instead of looking revolted, both girls almost had stars in their eyes as they smiled brightly.

I smiled warmly at them again and then set up and paid the posting fee on the quest notice to deal with the underhanded scoundrel that lived in the large mansion. He was a criminal that ruled through blackmail and fear of reprisal and needed to be dealt with as soon as possible.

Luna sighed as she filled it out and then she caught her breath at the 1,000,000 Eris reward. She gave me a wide-eyed look as she finished it, stamped it officially, and walked over to the notice board to put it up. As soon as her hand moved away from it, I grabbed it and walked back over to the teller booth. She sighed and walked back over behind the booth and sat.

I handed her the new notice to accept it and she logged it with my name on it. I smiled and handed her the quest notice to kill me and she had to stamp it with a red skull, registered it as failed, and went over to the board to put it up.

“That won't be there for long.” I said and Luna looked sad, so I turned to Cremea and Fio. “Ladies, if you'll excuse me. I have a quest to complete.”

Both of them exchanged looks and then smiled at me. “Can we watch?”

“Ha!” I barked the laugh and motioned to the front doors. “It won't take but a minute or two.”

The three of us stepped out of the guild and I used the Hover skill and slowly rose up to above the surrounding buildings and houses. The Lord of Axel's mansion could easily be seen from that vantage point.

I dropped back down to the ground and smirked. “Be right back.”

The two girls stared at me disappearing in a flash of light and I reappeared beside the mansion. A quick detection spell told me there were only a few staff members and there was a lot of gold all over the place. A more detailed spell casting gave me the specifics and I shook my head at the moron keeping all of his money there in a central location.

I used my spells to make myself invisible and shrouded myself in shadows, then teleported inside to the kitchen I could see through the windows. The shadow stopped the flash of light, so no one saw me enter. I spent the next few minutes cleaning out all of the valuables in the mansion and then teleported the staff and their possessions to the spot in front of the guild.

“Only the man himself is left inside.” I said and rose up into the air with Hover and created a smaller energy ball and shrunk it. After it was covered in glass, I shot it at the mansion.

*WHAAABOOM!*

The small mushroom cloud dissipated fairly quickly and I dropped back down to see all of the astonished faces of the people there.

“Those of you that were staff in the mansion and need held finding jobs, I'm sure the next Lord of Axel will be happy to hire you.” I said and walked over to the guild's front doors. No one tried to stop me or said anything, so I went inside and handed in the quest, my card, and a sack of 1,000,000 Eris.

Luna sighed loudly as she accepted all three things, updated my card, stamped the quest notice as completed, and handed me my card and the sack of money back. She stood up and walked over to the notice board and caught her breath, because the notice to hunt me down was gone. Because she hadn't stamped it as inactive, it was still valid.

“I'll get it back when whomever it is tries to collect.” I reassured her.

Luna walked back over to the teller booth and sat behind it. “Be careful out there.”

I smiled at her. “I'm going home to work on some projects and won't be back here until tonight.”

Luna knew that was when I would be returning with the monster donations for the guild and nodded.

I left the guild and everyone outside stepped back away from me, except for Cremea and Fio. They both took a step forward and gave me huge smiles. I nodded to them and went to each of the staff from the mansion and gave them 10,000 Eris each as severance pay. Those that didn't have homes, I offered to rent rooms for. They accepted the extra money and then stayed with their friends instead.

I commended them for their ingenuity and they looked happy as I went back to my Tower. I had a lot of work to do today and had to talk to my party about the potential of two new members.

*

The goddess Aqua reclined across her throne and sighed, because she really missed those delicious cookies. She never did figure out why she had an upset stomach afterwards and shrugged the thought off. She picked up and started to read the latest magazine that told her about the newest fads that all the hip goddesses were getting into and she kicked her feet in the air.

Suddenly, a large glowing circle appeared on the floor around the plain wooden chair that was 10 feet away from hers. She didn't pay it much attention, since the color let her know it was someone from the world she was monitoring and not a new soul from another world. Why would she have to do the whole song and dance to recruit them when she knew they all would choose to move on instead of reincarnating?

“Goddess Aqua!” A male voice gasped and then started wailing. “Please forgive me! I've failed in the task you gave me!”

Aqua lifted her gaze from a very interesting article about taking vacations on the safer worlds. She saw a wreck of a man on his knees and his face was covered in tears and snot because he was a very messy crier. It wasn't until she saw the sword Gram on the floor that she realized the pathetic mortal was one of the ones she had sent to fight the Demon King.

“I don't want to know what happened.” Aqua said and waved a hand at him to freeze him in place. “I can't break the rules and send you back, unless I was already there and resurrected you.”

Mitsurugi cried more and swiped at his face, which spread the snot and tears around instead of wiping them off. “My goddess... what... what do I do now?”

“You have the same two choices. Go back to Earth as a newborn or move on to Heaven and be an old man for eternity.” Aqua said.

“I... I... yes, I... please send me back to Earth. I want to forget all about what happened to me!”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” Aqua said and another wave of her hand had a red circle form under him. “Good luck or something. See ya.”

Mitsurugi sighed with relief as he was sucked down into the floor instead of floating up into the air. Being a baby again was preferable to being an old man for eternity.

Things went black for a few moments, then his eyes shot open and he sucked in a huge breath. His chest hurt and he felt like he was dying, mostly because he couldn't move or speak. His ears also caught what he thought was laughter before it cut off.

“Oh, great. The stupid NEET didn't really kick the bucket after all.” One of the doctors said.

“Dammit.” A nurse said. “Well, it's still a good story. We'll just say he actually died when we tell it.”

“That's a great idea.” Another nurse said and looked down at his face. “He's going to be weak as a kitten for months, assuming he recovers at all from such a massive heart attack.”

“I'll step out into the hallway and let the Kazuma family know he's alive.” The doctor said, clearly disappointed. “I hope they don't sue us for malpractice.”

Mitsurugi blinked his eyes. Kazuma family? What... what's going on?

A minute later, the doctor was back and two older people stood over Mitsurugi.

“He really is alive.” The mother said, sadly.

“There goes the insurance money for accidental death.” The father said, even more sadly.

“Well, we do have those rickety stairs that lead up to the attic.” The mother suggested.

The father beamed a smile at her. “I knew there was a reason I fell in love with you, my dear.”

The mother blushed and smiled sexily back.

Nooooo! Mitsurugi yelled in his head and was terrified of the happy smiles he could see on all of their faces, the doctor and nurses included.

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