The Exorcist

Book 8: Chapter 20: Secrets of the Heart

At the crack of dawn, Xiao Xia snapped awake. She suddenly felt empty, as if Ruan Zhan had left again.

She opened her eyes, and sure enough she was alone. Apart from the messy sheets, not even his warmth or scent remained. Xiao Xia instantly teared up. Hastily putting on a piece of clothing, she ran downstairs to check. But before she reached the bottom of the stairs, she saw that the entire bar was empty, not a single soul in sight.

Did he leave again? Was he giving up on her again? When she previously just hinted at her feelings, he had kept his distance. Now that they had such an intimate relationship, was she going to lose him forever? Thinking that she might never see him again, Xiao Xia heard the sound of her own heart breaking.

Clack…

Huh, was heartbreak really that loud? Wasn’t that too exaggerated?!

Xiao Xia looked in the direction of the sound in a daze. The bar’s door had opened, and the man whom she had thought was gone forever stood there, staring at her in shock.

“Xiao Xia, what are you doing standing there? Hurry upstairs, you’ll catch a cold!”Ruan Zhan hurriedly closed the door to block the cold wind outside, and walked to the stairway in two quick steps, picking her up in the crook of his arm. He didn’t know how long she had been standing there, but she was only wearing his shirt. Barefoot and bare-legged, she would definitely catch a cold at this rate.

“I thought you had disappeared again.”Burrowing into the warm quilt, Xia Xia’s fear and unease did not diminish. Although she let go of Ruan Zhan’s neck, she instead grabbed his clothes and wouldn’t let go, pulling Ruan Zhan to sit by the bed. He carried the chill of the outside, but holding him made her feel warm.

Looking at the tears in her eyes, his heart was filled with an indescribable tenderness, “I won’t disappear. However, you’re definitely going to regret it.”

Ruan Zhan didn’t speak. He merely smiled bitterly. He shouldn’t have done what he did last night, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. The fire in his heart had driven him to madness, and now it was too late to say anything. He could only figure out a way to break that destined noose. For nothing else but her!

“I went to buy something.”He took out a small box from his pocket, “I can’t give you a wedding right now, but I want to marry you and make you my wife.”

Oh, he actually proposed!

Xiao Xia felt a wave of confusion in her heart. Then came a burst of ecstasy. She didn’t even stop to think how Ruan Zhan could buy a ring so early in the morning. She had no idea that he had used magic to break into the jewelry store, taking the ring himself after leaving behind the money.

She didn’t hide her happiness at all, and quickly let go of the hands that had been holding onto Ruan Zhan’s clothes, raising all ten fingers in front of him. “Yes, yes, put the ring on quickly!”

Her anxious and serious demeanor made Ruan Zhan laugh, and the pent-up emotions in his heart eased a bit. Being with her, he always felt happy, content, and a sense of peace, just like home.

He kissed her palm, but didn’t put the ring on her.

“Xiao Xia, I want to tell you something about myself, and then you can decide whether or not to accept my proposal.”He forced himself to ruin the warm mood and face the harsh reality. “I’m very sorry, but I cannot offer you a stable future. I have an unavoidable tribulation. This was why I couldn’t accept you. It wasn’t you. I’ve loved you for a long time.” 

Xiao Xia looked at his face, which had a slightly pained expression. She selectively filtered his words, completely ignoring the “tribulation” part and only hearing that he had loved her for a long time. She happily forgot everything else. He loves her! He loves her! He has loved her for a long time! For a woman in love, as long as her feelings were reciprocated, what else couldn’t be solved? Love conquers all!

Xiao Xia thought with a smile as she placed the ring into Ruan Zhan’s hand, and before he realized what she was doing, she had him put it on her finger.

“I hereby announce that you are now mine! Come, seal of approval!”She loudly planted a kiss on Ruan Zhan’s lips, then started admiring the ring on her hand, completely ignoring even Ruan Zhan’s presence.

Ruan Zhan was well-versed with her immaturity, and knew that if he didn’t stop her, there would be no way to have a conversation. After last night, there was no way he could give up on her again. However, the question was whether he had the ability to stay with her. Therefore, he needed to tell her everything.

“Xiao Xia, listen to me carefully.”He pinched her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. Even this almost made his heart lose control. He quickly gathered his thoughts and said seriously, “I am talking about serious matters, about our future. You said we would face it together, so you need to understand what we would be facing.”

“What matters can be so serious?” Seeing Ruan Zhan’s serious expression, Xiao Xia asked, her previously intoxicated heart suddenly feeling a bit nervous.

Ruan Zhan opened his mouth, but for a moment, he didn’t say anything. He had bottled everything up for too long. Now, he had to pull into his arms before finding the strength to speak.

“I—might soon have to do something life-threatening.”His words brushed over Xiao Xia’s hair. The words themselves and his pained voice made Xiao Xia freeze, but Ruan Zhan held her tightly, not letting her see his face.

“It’s something I was destined to do from the moment I was born. I can’t escape it, nor can I avoid doing it. It is predestined. Even if I could struggle against it, I wouldn’t allow myself to do so. Because it concerns my father.”

He suddenly couldn’t continue speaking. Xiao Xia’s hand, which was wrapped around his waist, gently stroked his back and comforted him, “What is it? Tell me, what is it that is giving you so much pressure? Tell me, I can share the burden with you. Really, I can share the burden.”

“My fate was sealed thirty-three years ago. I was born to die.”

“Obviously. Everyone is fated to die after being born.”Xiao Xia swatted Ruan Zhan, trying to appear relaxed.

“That’s right, but those are natural deaths. Not like mine. How should I put it? I can only say that I was not born to live, but born to die. If it weren’t for the day of the Calamity of Threes, if it weren’t for the strange celestial phenomenon on that day, I might never have been born.”

Ruan Zhan wanted speak calmly, but couldn’t do it. His winding words left Xiao Xia confused, but she didn’t interrupt, waiting for him to continue.

My father, Ruan Tian Yi, is a cultivator of the Dao. Furthermore, he is sincere, and is both reverent and obsessed with Daoism and its arts. This is to say he doesn’t get involved with women.  In the past, when he appeared before me as my foster father, I figured he adopted me out of benevolence. But when I found out that he was my biological father, I was always puzzled. How could someone like him get married and have children? He couldn’t have done so impulsively. If there really was a woman, it must have been true love. So what kind of person is my mother, who could move his heart to the extent of having a child with her? And where did she go? Is she dead? Or was she unable to take his neglect and ended up leaving? Ever since I was young, I never noticed any signs of a woman’s presence around him. It’s not logical.  A man truly in love definitely can’t endure the pain of separation. I know this all too well. But despite carefully recalling the dozen years I’ve spent with him, I really don’t recall any clues.”

“Did he keep his feelings in his heart without expressing them?”

“No, I am very certain that emotionally, he’s definitely never loved any woman. But since that’s the case, why was I born? Also, why did he pretend to be my foster father despite being my real father?  Why did he die so mysteriously? These things have been weighing on my mind. I only understood everything after meeting him when I went to Jingshi Town.At this point, Ruan Zhan let go of Xiao Xia. “Look at me, Xiao Xia. The truth is, the person before you was never viewed as a person, but a tool, a tool to prevent calamity. Do you understand? I was not born out of my parents’ love, nor was I a product of a momentary impulse. I am just a tool!”

“Wait, slow down! What do you mean by that? I don’t understand!”Xiao Xia was somewhat stunned. Looking at Ruan Zhan’s expression of self-denial and self-loathing, she felt devastated.

Ruan Zhan let out a long breath, as if to express his inner depression, “My biological father, Ruan Tian Yi, did something thirty-three years ago. This act resulted in severe consequences, so severe that he was unable to resolve or bear them. Once the effects manifested, countless would come to harm, including himself. It was essentially unimaginable.”

“What did elder do?”

“This is the one thing he wasn’t willing to tell me!”Ruan Zhan shook his head, “But I can tell that it is precisely this act of his that has caused evil aura to linger around him incessantly, and this evil aura will slowly erode into a person’s body and soul. Thinking about it this way, his mysterious death back then can also be explained. His body must have been unable to keep the evil aura suppressed. If he didn’t seclude himself, it would corrupt his mind, making him subconsciously harm others, or even the entire town. As a cultivator, especially one with profound cultivation, his soul was far stronger than his flesh. Therefore, he faked his death and lay in the coffin for over a decade, using the crystal dagger to excise the evil aura. Obviously, he didn’t succeed, so with the help of a mysterious person, he broke out of the coffin. The question is, who was it that helped him? Also, he said that back then, he wasn’t aware I was searching for him due to Si Ma Nan’s hints. He only broke out because he was no longer to keep himself suppressed despite his state of false death.

“It’s that strong?” Xiao Xia didn’t really understand Daoism, but from Ruan Zhan’s expression she could tell Uncle Ruan’s act had truly resulted in severe consequences. Before it fully materialized, it already forced himself into such a state. If he failed to suppress it, the results would be terrifying.

“We mistakenly blamed his real death on those fiend children. My father had planned on secretly seeing how I was doing after coming out from the ground. He realized we were embroiled by the fiend children case, and decided to take a look in Xi’an. But he failed to suppress the evil aura even during suspended animation, so how could he withstand the stress of long distance travel and Yang energy? His evil aura erupted there, so he could only abandon his flesh and become a spirit. The reason he went to Ironhead Mountain was to dispel the evil aura that had troubled him for half his life.

“And that still wasn’t enough?”

Ruan Zhan shook his head with a wry smile. “It didn’t get better at all. In fact, it gets worse every day. I don’t know what he did exactly, but that evil aura is like a cancer. He tried all sorts of treatment, but it continues to spread uncontrollably. This will continue until the day of my thirty-third birthday. On that day, after midnight, a technique he’s been cultivating will reach its final stage. At this critical moment, his control over the evil aura will be at its weakest, and on that day, there will be a total lunar eclipse. Without the suppression of moonlight essence, all the evil and darkness in the human world will erupt at full strength. The combined effects will cause him to transform into a demon that day. He would be unable to tell friend from foe, good from evil, unless…he can come up with a better solution before then.”

“What solution? Don’t tell me it has something to do with you?” Seemingly realizing something, Xiao Xia turned pale. She gripped Ruan Zhan’s sleeve so hard her fingers turned white.

Ruan Zhan looked at her face. Warmth and reluctance filled his heart, but he had no choice. “It is me. I am that solution. I was born to prevent this matter.”

“Will it be dangerous?” Xiao Xia asked in a low voice, as if saying it any louder would make it more dangerous. “You said it would be life-threatening…”

“This is my Calamity of Threes. I have known since I was a child that this will cost me my life, but now I finally understand why. I will stop my father from demonizing on that day and completely remove the evil aura around him, fulfilling the destiny I have carried since birth. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t give a damn, and instead remain at your side. But he’s my father. No matter the reason of my birth, he ultimately gave me life and raised me. I must at least repay him, even if it costs me my life to do so!”Ruan Zhan gently caressed Xiao Xia’s face, his eyes tender enough to drip water, containing deep affection and reluctance. “Wan Li and Bao Da Tong both know about this calamity. You were the only one unaware, so that’s why I avoided you. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you. It’s that I couldn’t afford to do so. I’m not a man in control of his own life. I’m just an exorcism tool.”

Xiao Xia suddenly threw herself into Ruan Zhan’s arms, “Don’t talk about yourself like that!”She held him with all her strength, “No matter what your past was like, your present and your future belong to me. As long as I care about you, you are the most important person in the world! Don’t you understand? You are more important to me than life itself, more precious than anything else!”

“I know! I know! Now that I have you, my life is complete. Even if I were to lose my life, I wouldn’t have many regrets. But what about you? If I really can’t get through this deadly disaster, Xiao Xia, what will you do?” Ruan Zhan said in distress.

“I won’t follow you in death. That would devastate my parents. I won’t do something so irresponsible.”Xiao Xia let go of his hand and looked into Ruan’s eyes as she spoke. “But I also won’t let you die, because you already belong to me. I just put my seal on you earlier, so you have to stay with me. If you dare die, I will chase you to the ends of the earth, to the heavens above and the underworld below, and I will bring you back to life, no matter what!”

Xiao Xia said fiercely, and she believed it. Since they loved each other, they had to take care of each other! Mixed in with her determination was her heartache for Ruan Zhan’s plight. It turns out he had been carrying so much on his own. It turns out that he only rejected her because he wanted her to be happy. It turns out he wanted to endure all the suffering by himself! Therefore, she would love him even more from this moment on, so he could be the most carefree and happy person in the world!

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