The Decade of Deep Love

Chapter 81: Little by Little, He Became Cold...

Translator: Claire.KK

Two days of staying up and this empty house drained the last bit of vitality away from Wenxu Jiang. But he knew very clearly that he couldn’t fall, at least not now.

Wenxu Jiang regretted leaving so resolutely, or he could have at least had someone keep an eye on the whole thing here.

Since Zhishu He was gone, the most common feeling Wenxu Jiang would get was helplessness and pain. He recalled more than once the hug Zhishu He gave him when he left. Wenxu Jiang often imagined that if he hadn’t left that day, if he kept Zhishu He around, would everything be different by now?

No one could give him an answer.

If someone was willing to tell him, they would ask him this fourteen years ago, “Will you make Zhishu He happy if he goes with you?” They would ask him this four years ago, “Don’t you feel guilty to Zhishu He’s true love while you are having fun out there?” “Do you have a heart of stone? How can you be so cruel to someone that you are supposed to cherish the most?”

If only someone warned him once, Wenxu Jiang wouldn’t make one mistake after another.

Wenxu Jiang was nearly beaten down by guilt and fear. He didn’t even know what to do or what he could do next.

In days, he and Assistant Song tried every way to find their whereabouts; in nights, Wenxu Jiang slept in the car, guarding this tea garden where Zhishu He once lived.

Day four, there was finally a turnaround. Someone showed up when Wenxu Jiang was on the verge of a breakdown.

It was Ziyu Ai. He alone. He wore a black long coat with a small luggage bag in his hand. After half a month, he’d considerably lost weight. He was so emaciated that Wenxu Jiang couldn’t recognize him.

Ziyu Ai came back in the morning. He took a cab back when Wenxu Jiang was still there. Wenxu Jiang didn’t think twice. He pushed open the car door hastily and stumbled at him.

“Ziyu Ai! Ziyu Ai, where is Zhishu? Where is Zhishu He? Which hospital is he at? Huh? Speak! You are back so who is taking care of him now? Speak!” Wenxu Jiang wasn’t in any better state than Ziyu Ai was. He just shot out random questions, his bloodshot eyes looked scary.

Ziyu Ai seemed to just realize Wenxu Jiang’s existence. His eyes swept over him emotionlessly. He didn’t have the feeling of hatred or resentment towards him; it was a kind of emotion stagnancy due to the extreme grief.

Ziyu Ai took a grab in the air; he repeated Wenxu Jiang’s words to himself, “Where... where is Zhishu?”

Ziyu Ai’s voice was quiet, every sound of him seemed to come out of his mouth with the blood from his torn vocal cord. “He’s gone... in my arms. Little by little, little by little, he became cold...”

Followed by infinite silence. For a moment, Wenxu Jiang thought he was deafened; he seemed to hear nothing. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. The whole world was mute only the sound of breezing winds that blew away all the colors in his eyes.

As if someone hit the play button to a paused video, Wenxu Jiang suddenly rushed over and clutched Ziyu Ai’s collar. His eyes were red as a crazy animal. Wenxu Jiang made voices that weren’t even like human voices. His tongue bled as his shuddering teeth were biting it. Every word was spit out with blood and pain, “You are lying to me! It’s a lie! Impossible!”

“You said he was fine... Didn’t you say that you could take care of him? You are lying, aren’t you? You’ve hidden him away, right? Please... Don’t shock me... please,” Unexpectedly, Wenxu Jiang knelt next to Ziyu Ai, “Say you are lying and you won’t see me ever again! Say it!”

Ziyu Ai pulled Wenxu Jiang from the ground and punched him hard. “Is it fun to lie to yourself? Zhishu He is gone... He... He’s gone...” Ziyu Ai let go of Wenxu Jiang lifelessly. He looked down and saw fluids come out of his eyes. He could hardly control his emotions.

Zhishu He died a week ago. Ziyu Ai didn’t even know how he managed to deal with the funeral and documents so calmly. He watched Zhishu He turn into a handful of ashes from a sleeping human being without shedding a single tear. He was terrified by his own indifference.

But now, standing once again in this very garden, watching the pool their dog once dropped in and the rocking chair and rug he bought for Zhishu He by the second-floor window and the dead jasmines, he felt his heart started to hurt. He unleashed the pain that had accumulated for three days.

The man in front of him asked him, where is Zhishu He? And, didn’t you say you could take care of him?

He just couldn’t hold his tears any longer. This was the first time he cried after Zhishu He died and here he cried in front of Wenxu Jiang.

Wenxu Jiang stumbled as he took a step back. He strived to steady himself and sneered. “I don’t believe you... I don’t believe Zhishu He would leave me... He, he...” Wenxu Jiang thought Zhishu He wouldn’t leave this world without giving him one last chance to see him...

Ziyu Ai looked at Wenxu Jiang with his venomous cold eyes; he asked Jiang quietly, “No? Who made him end up like this?”

Wenxu Jiang’s body shook as if he was electrified.

“Do you know that Zhishu has left nothing, no dying wish at all, except for his funeral arrangement. Like this world isn’t worth lingering on to him,” Ziyu Ai’s bitter smile was worse than a crying face, “Do you know what he has left in the end, President Jiang?

“Only his clothes he was wearing when he just came to Hangzhou, and a bank card with 150,000 in it!” The last syllable sounded sharp and mean. Ziyu Ai tried to grab Wenxu Jiang’s clothes; both of them stumbled. “150,000! Couldn’t even afford a decent grave! Wenxu Jiang... How cruel of you!”

“He was with you for more than a decade; his body was sick; his heart was hurt. In the end, he couldn’t afford a grave? Tell me, President Jiang, did you spend more than 150,000 on any of your lovers?!”

Wenxu Jiang couldn’t say anything, his lips had turned into dark purple because of the shock, his face dead white. Words clogged up his throat; he coughed blood.

By the time Assistant Song arrived, Wenxu Jiang was alone with his hand on his chest, his clothes covered in blood, muttering, “Someone told me... Zhishu He is gone...”

Wenxu Jiang collapsed in the end.

Assistant Song called A&E in a hurry. The medical report said he had gastric perforation due to emotional overreaction and overfatigue.

When Assistant Song found Wenxu Jiang was awake, Jiang had been staring at the blank ceiling for god-knows-how–long; it chilled people to look into his empty broken eyes.

“Boss... You...” Assistant Song couldn’t say anything else but, “Don’t be too sad.”

“Book me a ticket, I’m going back to Beijing,” Wenxu Jiang’s voice was weak and aloof, “Zhishu is just mad at the shit I’ve done, I’m sorry and I’m scared now. He’s waiting for me at home, isn’t he?”

Wenxu Jiang covered his eyes with his hand. He sounded bitter, “I dreamed of Zhishu Just now. He said he missed me a lot... I must meet him...”

“Boss!” Assistant Song cut him off mercilessly; he knew Wenxu Jiang was at the edge of self-destruction. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?!” Wenxu Jiang suddenly got worked up; he pulled the needle off the back of his hand and shouted, “All you lot do is curse him! How can he be dead? How can he abandon me...” At the end of his sentence, he choked with sobs.

Wenxu Jiang was almost crying. “Even if every one abandoned me, Zhishu wouldn’t.”

Assistant Song couldn’t calm Wenxu Jiang down. He took the plane back to Beijing on his own the very afternoon.

Half an hour before the flight took off, Wenxu Jiang received a message on his cell phone. He checked it; it was Ziyu Ai’s message.

“Zhishu said, in his dying breath, that you must live your life properly because he didn’t want to see you ever again, alive or dead.”

Apart from Ziyu Ai, no one would know whether it was Zhishu He’s original word or it was the meanest thing Ziyu Ai made up to punish Wenxu Jiang.

Wenxu Jiang just turned off the phone slowly like he didn’t care at all. “Zhishu He can’t be dead.”

Seven hours later, he was already standing in the apartment where he and Zhishu He lived for nine years. He called, “Zhishu, are you home?”

No reply.

Wenxu Jiang was upset. He turned on all the lights and sat on the couch, eyes fixed at the door. I made you wait, from now on, I’ll wait for you... Zhishu, I’ll wait for you to come home.

Wenxu Jiang rubbed the ring hanging on his neck lightly with a gentle smile. “Come home early when you have enough fun... I miss you. Really.”

Wenxu Jiang sat on that couch for two days without eating or dining. He sat still like he lost his soul, eyes dead-locked on that closed door. He no longer talked to himself in a smile or showed any sign of vitality.

In the end, Wenxu Jiang felt like the door opened in a trance, where Zhishu He, at the age of 17, waved at him in the school uniform in a smile, and behind him, it was an expanse of flowers.

Still in a trance, Wenxu Jiang reached out his hand and said gently, “The school is over; let’s go home together.” And then, his tears fell involuntarily.

The end.

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