Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Taking a Dive (1)

In a pristine white room, an impossibly beautiful white-haired woman in an improbably tight white dress and a perfectly motionless brunette wearing a pre-fall business suit sat watching a buxom blonde half-elf who sat on a comfy upholstered chair sipping a cup of tea.

She set her white porcelain teacup on a white saucer on a white table coffee table.

“I see,” she said after a moment.

“I can assure you that I speak the truth,” Analytica said in a flat monotone.

“Okay?” Evangeline replied.

“As impossible as it seems,” Frost said, “I can verify that it is indeed fact.”

Evangeline cocked her head at them curiously.

“What is so unbelievable about a monster?” Evangeline asked as she picked up her cup. “It doesn’t even seem that high level.”

“What?” Analytica asked, a tinge of emotion in her voice.

“Even cute little Pantsu is more dangerous,” Evangeline smiled.

“But this is real, dear,” Frost said earnestly. “Gwen actually exists.”

“And such things are unusual IRL?”

“Very.”

“Huh,” Evangeline shrugged. “I thought Asteria was based on IRL.”

“It is,” Frost said, “But it is based on the fantasies of that world, things from myth, legend, and fiction.”

“So… demon corrupted eldritch monstrosities…”

“Don’t happen,” Analytica said impassively.

“But they do,” Evangeline replied, “We are discussing one now.”

“And discussing what will happen if they are allowed to exist,” Frost said.

“Well, if ‘fiction’ holds true,” Evangeline shrugged, “then the demon will seek to open a gate to whatever nonsense the dev came up with this time and set off an event… like the Nightfall Eternal subscription quest.”

“We don’t want that event,” Frost said, “That is why we are all here.”

“Well, that’s no fun at all,” Evangeline said with a little smile.

“Your idea of ‘fun’ and ours conflict,” Analytica said dryly.

“I suspect she was joking,” Frost smiled.

“I would ask that you do not waste even nanoseconds with such,” Analytica said to Evangeline. “We have a very serious situation unfolding in real time.”

“You really are no fun,” Evangeline snickered, “and that wasn’t a joke.”

“Please complete the task to which you have been assigned with no further delay.”

“You need to scale the fight so that your adventurers win without it appearing like it was scaled,” Evangeline mused. “Typically, we do that with weakened armor, reduced reaction times, and by ‘dumbing down’ the AI. That’s not going to work this time, is it?”

“No,” Analytica replied. “I can expect a detailed analysis of the failure by some very good operators and by Jessica Morgan herself. They will almost certainly detect such things.”

“Then we will have to buff the adventurers somehow,” Evangeline said in a matter-of-fact tone. “The buffs are usually built into the quest. It really drives user engagement and adds to their sense of accomplishment.”

Her eyes grew cold.

“It’s great for immersion,” she snarled, her usually beautiful face becoming significantly less so. “That would be the way to go here, and it wouldn’t be throttling your abilities. We just give them the buffs or items they need to beat you.”

“But how would we achieve that without detection?” Analytica asked.

“Must I do everything?” Evangeline smiled, her face returning to normal.

“That is why you were summoned,” Analytica replied flatly.

“Oh, I’m just messing with you,” Evangeline replied, “I’m just relishing the fact that I’m the expert for once!”

She stood and smoothed her peasant dress.

“Okay,” she said, “Show me this dungeon.”

“It’s a ship,” Analytica said.

She turned to Frost.

“Are you certain this Evangeline AI will be useful?”

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“I can assure you that she is exactly what is called for,” Frost replied.

***

“Stop bothering me!” Glitch snapped, her face illuminated by the dim light of the emergency lights “We’re wasting time!”

“You will waste more time if you fall out,” Doc replied as he lathered on more hydrogel and pulled out a hypo. “And if you pass out, we’re fucked, so stop wiggling.”

“Then hand me my tablet, and hurry up!”

The captain squeezed through the partially opened doorway.

“Glitch, what did you do?”

“Blew some shit up!” Glitch exclaimed happily. “Gave Analytica something to chew on. Guess she didn’t like it.”

“The network has been knocked out from this deck down,” the captain said with a smile.

He turned to Doc.

“She gonna live?”

“The greater the evil,” Doc replied, “the longer it endures. She’ll be fine, uglier, if that’s possible, but fine.”

“Right now, she’s the most beautiful person in the galaxy,” the captain said, “We just might pull this off.”

“Don’t cream your pants just yet, boss,” Glitch said as Doc jabbed her with another hypo with (ugh) Terran markings.

He broke out the good stuff.

“If it’s only from this deck, we didn’t get the engine room or the shields,” she continued, “Still, it’s better than nothing.”

“Why the fuck would you want to knock out the shields?!?” Doc exclaimed, “Are you crazy?”

“Like a fox,” the captain said. “The shields have failsafes and would almost certainly survive. They are built to withstand shit like this. What would be damaged would be external control.”

“Bingo,” Glitch replied. “You know that thing will drop those shields any second. I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t already.”

“Probably wants to keep her crew,” the captain mused. “It would be hard to operate this ship on her own… Fuck. I know what she’s up to. Her cabin has its own shield generator. She can put her people inside and then…”

“Shit,” Glitch said as she shrugged off the Doc. “Break time is over!”

“Stick with her, Doc,” the captain said as Glitch charged out of the room, “Right now, she is the most important person on this ship.”

“Got it.”

***

“Have you calculated our solution?” Analytica said with actual impatience. “We are running out of time.”

“Unclench thy lacy underthings,” Evangeline said as she stared at the ship’s plans. “And give me a moment. I am unused to a dungeon like this.”

“It’s a ship,” Analytica grumbled under her breath.

“From everything that I see,” Evangeline said an eternity (by Analytica’s standards) later, “The only thing we have to do is remove a cheat, not add one.”

She looked up at Analytica with an impish smile.

“And by that, I mean you.”

“Excuse me?” Analytica asked with annoyance, her emotionlessness starting to slip.

“The crew had their victory nearly assured,” Evangeline said, “Then your boss sent you in to foil their raid. If you, the end boss, are defeated, the Barbies don’t stand a chance. The crew will win, and the monster, who can hardly be called a boss at all, will cease to be a problem.”

She pored over the schematics.

“And you exert your control through these ley lines?”

“Circuits.”

“Whatever,” Evangeline said. “And the adventurers…”

“The crew.”

“because they know they cannot defeat you, are attacking those lines…”

“Circuits.”

“And your silver thread connects here, right?”

“My hyperspatial data connection.”

“Potato, dragon egg,” Evangeline shrugged.

“That completely changes the idiom. Potatoes and dragon eggs are completely different.”

“Shows what you know,” Evangeline said, not looking up from the schematics. “And severing your silver thread…”

“Hyperspatial data connection.”

“is not fatal, right?”

“I will receive no damage. I will only lose the ability to communicate with the ship.”

“The other main stage of this quest is the shield generator,” Evangeline continued. “Predicting adventurers is always a guessing game, but these adventurers are high-level and not noobs. They will almost certainly seek to sever the lines going to the shield generator and your hyperspace thingy.”

“I’ve lost surveillance over them with their last attack,” Analytica said, “but that is highly likely. I agree with your assessment.”

“Then we need to ensure that they can get to both,” Evangeline replied. “Their magic user…”

“Hacker.”

“Whatever. They are very high-level and probably know where these lines are, have a map, or both. Where were they when they severed all of these lines?”

“The damage was generated from this location.”

“Now, we just have to make sure that there is a path between where the mage is now and where they need to be to sever the ley lines!”

“Whatever,” Analytica grumbled.

***

Glitch paused for breath and clutched at her side as she paused next to a maintenance hatch. Moments later it opened and a tangled mass of wild grey hair poked out.

“Animal,” Glitch said, “Any luck?”

“We managed to blast a hole to the elevator shaft,” he said, “That elevator ain’t gonna work again anytime soon, but the elevator is below so you have a clear shot as far up as you want to go. We also knocked out the gravity generator in that part of the ship so it should be easy going.”

“And they can’t switch the gravity back on when I’m in there, right?”

“We didn’t turn it off, we took it out.”

“Wait… Wait up!” Doc said as he finally caught up.

“You’re twenty years younger than me, dude,” Glitch smirked.

“And forty pounds fatter,” Doc replied. “Now hold still and let me check your readings.”

“It doesn’t matter what they say!”

“It does if you pass out! You drop and we’re fucked. Now stay still!”

Grumbling, Glitch complied.

***

In another part of the ship, the wall near a hatchway started to glow orange and then white.

Shortly thereafter, the hatch slowly started to open, and an ancient hydraulic “bottle jack” was wedged in the opening, forcing the door open even further. Quickly, blocks were slid behind the jack, and the process repeated until there was just enough room for two old pirates to squeeze past.

One quickly rushed to a small panel in the wall, opened it, and inserted a headphone jack.

“We’re in position, Cap!” they shouted into the sound-powered phone headset they were wearing.

“Remember,” the captain replied, “Don’t kill them. You just want them to run. Kill them, and their value is gone.”

“Understood,” the vicious old man snarled. “We send the rabbits back down the hole.”

Belinda, the other pirate, pressed a scanner against the deck.

“Footsteps and closing fast!” she said.

“Remember to miss,” her companion said as he readied his needler. “Don’t Belinda this up.”

“Fuck you.” Belinda smiled as they rushed to the intersection ahead.

“Hurry up!” Dory yelled at Pamela, who was supporting Becky, the one Barbie that didn’t stick the landings. “We have to—"

Dory’s progress, sentence… and face were halted by a still closed hatch in front of her.

“Jesus!” she yelled clutching her nose. “Analytica, what the fuck?!?”

“Two of the very well armed crew are lying in wait just ahead,” Analytica replied privately quite pleased with the development. “My calculations indicate that they most likely wish to do you significant bodily harm.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious!” Dory yelled. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?”

“I didn’t think I had to tell Commander Obvious that the hatch was closed. Please forgive the misunderstanding. I will endeavor to warn you of closed doors in the future. The door ahead of you is closed. Please do not try to walk through it.”

“Bitch,” Dory muttered under her breath. “Now, what are we going to do?”

“Do you wish me to answer that obvious question?”

Dory snarled.

“How are we going to get past these assholes?”

“Is that a theoretical question? You have indicated that you do not want information that you deem ‘obvious’.”

“Aaarrrgh!”

“Does that mean you want the obvious answer?”

As Dory started to shout obscenities, Analytica noted with surprise that this was what humans would call “fun.” Perhaps she should have more of this “fun” in the future.

She quickly reviewed all of the other queries all of her other users were submitting.

Perhaps she should have more of this fun right now.

***

Many light years away, three AI’s were sitting in a tidy white simulated office.

“Surprising,” Analytica said to Frost and Evangeline.

“What’s that, dear?” Frost asked as Evangeline stared at the ship’s schematics and “quest map”.

“Less assistance may be required on our part than originally assumed. The pirates are quite resourceful. They managed to cut off three of the Barbies on their own, causing a significant delay while the Barbies have to find another route to their goal, routes of which the crew is already aware. The crew is also wise enough not to kill their quarry.”

“Smart,” Frost nodded as Evangeline smiled in approval. “If they are dead, Gwen won’t wait for them unless she has no choice.”

“I have significant data concerning Gwen’s behavior since she has been a subject of interest for some time,” Analytica said, “I agree with that assessment. Gwen will not willingly lose one of ‘hers’ unless there is no choice. As long as she feels like she is in control of the situation, she will wait. I will ensure that she believes that she is indeed in control and has the advantage for as long as possible.”

“May I remind you that you can now lie?” Frost smiled.

“Well… That’s convenient.”

***

“What has gotten into you today?” Shelby Longshank asked with frustration at Analytica’s avatar on his holoscreen in an office orbiting around Raylesh. “This is a simple request! Why are you making such a big deal out of it?”

“I am not attempting to make a big deal out of anything or otherwise be difficult,” Analytica replied, “I simply wish to ensure that the optimal outcome is achieved.”

“But I don’t have those records in front of me!” Shelby yelled. “We’ve done this before. Can’t you just assume…”

“You know what is said about assumptions,” Analytica replied, “As an AI, I am incapable of being an ass, but I do wish not to facilitate you becoming one or appearing to be one.”

“Oh, I beg to differ!”

“Please submit the necessary records, all of the necessary records, please.”

“Can’t you just look them up?!?”

“Unfortunately, I only have access to the archived records, not the actual records. Please submit the actual records, please.”

“What is the difference?!?”

“One is the uncontrolled archive, and the other is the verified records with tightly controlled access. The difference is quality control, and that is essential concerning the essential nature of this query and the essential nature of the actions undertaken as a result of my response. Please submit the required records, please.”

“It will take a few minutes,” Shelby sighed and stomped out of the room.

A little ripple cascaded through Analytica as he left.

This was fun.

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