Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Sympathy for the Befouler

After the whole jail thing you would thing that maybe, just maybe my little pooper would catch a break. Nope. Not even pooping close.

Here’s what happened next.

We slept in a little that first night. I was pooping beat. Did I say we? Yeah, I did. It was really flushing strange waking up to someone all cuddled up next to me in bed.

Especially because she was already awake and lying there staring at me.

“Scum! Craxina, what the poop are you doing?” I asked her

“You’re finally up!” she exclaimed happily, her face just inches away from mine. I started to push her away and my pads hit fur.

“Craxina,” I said, pulling my pads back really fast, “If I pull up this sheet and you are pooping naked I swear...”

“Oh, hang on!” she said as she started wiggling around under there. Poop. She was naked. I knew it!

“Why in the Waters were you naked!?!”

“I got all tangled up in that robe thingy and it was bothering me,” she said like it was no big deal.

My first night in someone’s naked embrace and it was her! The universe pooping loves me. She finally wiggled into the bathrobe and crawled out of the covers.

“Good morning!” she said happily. “Thanks for letting me sleep in the bed!”

“Don’t pooping get used to it.” I grumbled.

“Aww…” she pouted and then brightened right back up. “So what’s for breakfast?”

I pulled out some fresh fruit for the little moocher and while the tea was brewing I fired up my laptop. The guys were already awake and we set up a meeting for that afternoon. I was going to give them their money back but they reminded me that the money was for me and that I should just get them the goods.

I looked up and Craxina was naked again.

“Craxina! Clothes! Now!” I yelled at her.

“I have trouble walking around in this robe,” she complained. “It’s too long!”

“Well put on your clothes then!”

“They’re really dirty!”

“We have a laundromat!”

“I’m broooke!”

“I’m not. Wash your poopy clothes! Besides, don’t you have anything else to wear?”

“All my stuff is still at the hotel.”

“Then why don’t you go and pooping get it?”

“Because I owe the guy some money and he’s really scary.”

“Well, how much do you owe him?” I asked as I walked over to get my tea. “And you’re still naked! Put. On. The. Pooping. Robe. Now.”

“Ok, ok, geez,” she muttered as she wrapped the robe around herself.

“Can’t be more than two hundred credits,” she said.

“Fine,” I grumbled as I went over to my laptop and pulled out a disposable card.

“No. You’ve done so much for me already. I can’t,” she said but she was damn near salivating as she watched me load up the card, the little mooch.

“It’s no big deal,” I said as I pulled the card out of my laptop. “Besides, this is a pooping loan. Once you are back doing… well what it is that you do… you can pay me back.”

“Oh, ok,” she said looking a little weird, “Will do. Thanks.”

She looked really down. Was she just expecting me to pooping carry her forever? What a little scummy mooch!

“I gave you two-fifty. That should be enough to wash your stinky clothes and go get your stuff. Right?”

“Should be,” she said brightening right back up. “I really appreciate this Shel.”

“Sure, whatever,” I said. I should have been nicer but she was really getting on my pooping nerves.

After she went to wash her clothes I called Baxlon and set up an appointment to see him. My laptop beeped and there was an email on there. It didn’t have an address, just one word, “Rossi”.

Pooping great. I took a good sip of tea and opened it.

Hope you are doing well. We’ve had a nice talk with those two people and we are fairly certain that your other friends are good to go.

Have you had a chance to look at the little present I left you? If not, I’m sure you will find it quite to your liking

Regards, Ms. Rossi

I just couldn’t pooping deal with that right then. It did remind me to go pull the black box out of my suitcase though. Good thing because I would have probably sent it with the guys without the reminder. I hid it in a drawer and spent the rest of the time Craxina was doing her laundry looking at various games and movies trying to decide what would be good to set up next and I took a few minutes looking at other hotels. I decided that I needed to go ahead and move just to be on the safe side.

I then realized that hotels were a pretty good way to do things. I could keep on the move and if this thing took off affording them wouldn’t be a concern.

Just about the time I found a place that looked interesting (It was near a train stop and a really cute little park.) Craxina showed back up with some actual clothes on, thank goodness!

“I’m not naked anymore! Look!” she said as she managed to both spin around and bounce at the same time.

“Finally!”

“So whatcha doin’?”

“Picking out my next place,” I said as I closed my laptop.

A few minutes later while I was watching some TV (I had found a channel that showed absolutely nothing but crime documentaries. Craxina was just going to have to deal with it. I needed to do some homework.) my phone rang. It was Hollister and they wanted to meet up to get the case and to start the celebrations. I was still a little tired but I decided I could use a boost right about then.

Of course Craxina wanted to come. I didn’t see the pooping harm so I grabbed my suitcase and we headed out.

“What is the suitcase for??” she asked curiously.

“You ask a lot of pooping questions don’t you?” I asked her looking her right in her cute little eyes. That shut her up real pooping quick.

Yeah, I was in a bit of a mood but scum! She can really crawl up your pooper sometimes.

Anyway, we took a cab over to the starport and right up to Hollister’s ship. Scum! I got really happy when I saw the old tub, so many happy memories! I really wish that I wasn’t Federation enemy number one or I would just hop aboard and never look back. Oh well.

Craxina was really nervous when she saw the ship and the guys came out. It was really nice for her to be the one caught off guard for pooping once. They all came running up and made a really big pooping deal over all my little bumps and bruises. I was their “little frog” after all.

I finally got them to calm down and after the suitcase was safely on board, we partied! Oh it was pooping great! We ran over to this really scummy little “dive bar” that we really liked and started laughing and eating and drinking. I really like beer! It’s yummy! It turns out that we Plath can knock them back just like a human can too!

Craxina was so funny. She was so nervous at first. It was so pooping cute! It didn’t take her long to relax and fit in though. I know I was pooping tired of her earlier but she can be a whole lot of fun!

It also turns out that Craxina had heard a much exaggerated retelling of a retelling of a retelling of how a little frog girl gnashed the living poop out of a big old human. The guys pooping loved it! I kept having to correct her. No. I didn’t actually rip off one of her tits. Yes. I did make her cry like a baby. No. It most certainly DID POOPING NOT take five hits from a prison rod to stop me. One would have been fine.

The guys were howling with laughter especially after they talked me into re-enacting the scene. I even had to demonstrate how grippy my pads are on Hollister’s face. Craxina kept insisting that her version was pooping true which even made it funnier.

“I was there!” a woman’s voice yelled out behind me. I turned around and recognized her from jail.

“It’s me, Darla!” she said as she stumbled up. She was pretty wasted and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just from beer.

“Oh, hey… Darla,” I said just a little weirded out. I just recognized her face but she was hugging on me and talking like we were pooping besties.

“It was fuckin’ awesome!” she slurred. “That bitch Donna had it comin’.” She then went on to describe in detail the “real story” (which was total poop).

So now she was hanging around too. It was nice to hear about my friends in jail and oh poop was it so funny to find out what happened to Donna. I laughed so hard beer came out of my nose!

We found out that Darla had managed to make bail and that she was charged with attempted murder. Her pooper was really scalded about that too. She kept saying that if she wanted to murder the “asshole” that she would have done it. There wouldn’t have been an "attempt".

That was actually kinda funny. The guys recommended Baxlon to her and when she found out that he was the guy that I used she got all excited because. “If he can get you off the hook he can get anyone off.” Really?

Things were going along really great and then Craxina went with Darla to the bathroom. A few minutes later they both came back and were both really hoppy. I think the little bit of pale blue power that was on the fur around Craxina’s nose might have had something to do with that.

After that things got really pooping hilarious! Craxina got really interested in Borch because she “hadn’t met one of his species yet.” Oh poop. I could see where this was about to go. Wasn’t long before everyone else did too. Borch got so nervous! Oh it was just too pooping funny! Craxina was crawling all over him asking him about well, her favorite subject in the whole wide world.

What was even funnier was when they both disappeared a little bit later. Borch said that he was going to go get us another round and it was only a few minutes later that we realized that Craxina was missing too. Oh we just about pooping died!

Darla was really fun but a bit… odd. She kept telling me that she was “cool” and that Lucky would vouch for her and stuff. I tried to tell her that I really wasn’t up to anything but I finally went ahead and let her text me her number just to get her to let it pooping drop.

Who knows, maybe I will visit Lucky and see what she thinks of her. Might be good to know some people, right?

Just about when we got tired of waiting and were going to go grab some real food Borch showed up with Craxina riding on his back. Borch tried to insist that nothing happened but he did not know Craxina. She happily and quite loudly went into allll the details in waaay too much detail. Oh poop I thought I would pee I was laughing so hard. Oh Borch was sooo pooping embarrassed. Then the guys went and asked Craxina exactly how many different lifeforms she had screwed. She had them in stitches! I should have been pooping scandalized but by now between the beer and the fact that nothing Craxina did really came as much of a pooping surprise anymore I just laughed along with them. I now know way too much about xenosexology than I ever, ever, ever wanted to.

It was right about then that I decided that I was going to keep Craxina. She was just too much pooping fun!

Darla stood up and loudly proclaimed Craxina “Queen of the cock!” and we all drank a toast to her perverted little butt.

The night went on from there and we ate and drank our way across the entire free port. Oh the guys are just too much fun! In the middle of all of this Hollister and I managed to grab a minute and put our heads together and I was able to let them know that they were probably good to go but to be careful because I still didn’t know who the rat was. He just said that they were an “occupational hazard” and that he would be ok. I suppose he knows he is doing better than I know what I’m doing.

Anyway, sometime well after midnight Craxina and I stumbled into the hotel and fell into bed.

I woke up the next morning still in my dress with her head laying on my stomach drooling on me. I just rolled her off of me and got some tea. Yeah, I know, but it’s Craxina so it didn’t really pooping bother me that much anymore.

I’ve never had a pet before. Is this what’s it like?

***

Anyway, after she finally got up and we had breakfast she said that she was going to go grab her stuff. I asked her if she wanted me to come along but she said that it was fine and wouldn’t be a big deal.

I knew that I should have gone along but having a little space was just too appealing. Scum! I really should have listened to my gut.

A few hours of blessed peace and quiet later I got a phone call. It was Craxina.

“Sheloran,” she whispered. “I’m in trouble! I’m really scared!”

Poop. I flushing knew something like this was going to happen.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Gotrun is saying that I owe him a lot more money,” she whispered her voice quivering.

“So, come on back here and we will work something out.”

“He won’t let me leave. He says that I have to work it off.”

“Well leave anyway.”

“I’m locked in this room and can’t get out! I’m so scared. He says that some people are going to come over and take me to a party. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to go!”

“Poop. Craxina. Call the police. Now.”

“I can’t. What if I get arrested again?”

“What are you doin’!” this gruff voice yelled. “Gimme that!”

“I’m at the Starbright Hotel help!”

The line went dead.

I just stood there. Craxina was in trouble, real trouble. From what I’ve watched and read getting taken someplace else is bad, real bad. I started to get really scared for her… then I started to get mad, really really really mad, madder than I’ve ever flushing been before.

“Oh poop no!” I yelled and dialed a number.

“Wha? Yeah?” a sleepy voice answered.

“Darla! This is Sheloran!”

“Oh! Sheloran! Hello!”

“Were you serious about wanting to help me out?”

“Yeah! Sure!”

“Can you get a car and meet me? Now! Right pooping now!”

“Yeah! On my way!”

Good ol’ Darla pooping came through! She swooshed into the hotel parking lot in a flushing grav-van not half an hour later!

I jumped in and we tore across the city in one of the express flyways. I wasn’t worried about the pooping tolls. As we did I pulled the burner from my waistband and checked it.

“Um,” Darla said uncertainly, “I’m down and all but I’m already in trouble and-”

“It’s not going to come to that,” I snapped. “I’m just making sure it’s ready, just in case, that’s all.”

“Oh… ok...” she said as she broke about half a dozen traffic laws.

***

We swooshed into the parking lot of this really scummy little hotel not long after that. I was still so mad I couldn’t pooping see straight. Before the van even fully stopped I jumped out and just marched my little stubby tail right into the lobby.

There was this really fat mangy looking Threen behind the desk watching something on his computer.

“Where’s Craxina!” I snarled. Scum! I was steaming!

“Who?” the poopface said baring his fangs, “Never heard of her.”

“Listen here, poop-face! I know she was here and you better pooping pray she still is!”

“Yeah, or what?” he said getting up and walking over to me trying to look big and scary. A bully. I really hate bullies.

Darla walked in and he took a little step back, pooping bully!

“You better listen to her, xeno,” Darla said. “Don’t you know who she is?”

Yeah… I thought as I started to smile. That’s right. I’m pooping Sheloran!

I took a deep breath and exhaled.

“That’s right,” I said with a smile. “I don’t think I’ve properly introduced myself. I’m Sheloran the Plath, nice to meet you.”

“Yeah? And?”

“You must not be fully acquainted with my community,” I said trying to sound just as nasty as I could. “You’re a Threen. Got a Fednet account?”

“Yeah?”

“Do a Fednet search for my name.”

“I ain’t gonna pay for a relay link over your scrawny little butt.”

“Oh, you really want to do that search before we go any further. I’ll pay for the link. I have the credits, trust me.”

“Do it, shit-sack!” Darla growled flexing a little behind me.

I loaded a hundred credits on a card and tossed it on the counter. It was way too much but I wanted to flex a little myself. Crime lords throw around the credits (at least they do in the holos).

“There’s a hundred. Flushing start typing.”

He looked over at Darla and grumbled something under his breath and then after he checked the card he started typing. I walked around the counter behind him and saw all of the complete bull-poop that filled the screen.

He glanced back at me looking a lot pooping different.

“Look, I don’t-”

“Hey, don’t you want to watch some videos?”

“Uhh...”

“I want to watch some videos. Do you want to watch some?” I asked as I turned to Darla channeling every stupid movie and game villain that I could think of.

“Yeah, some vids would be nice.” Darla said grinning at the threen.

“Oooh! That one! ‘The Drop of Oil’! I haven’t seen that one yet!” I said grinning at him as if I’ve seen any of them.

“But-”

“I pooping said play it jerkface!”

He pressed play.

“Sheloran. A simple good name for a simple good girl from a simple good town...” a Plath announcer’s voice said as my pooping childhood pictures and scenes from my hometown scrolled across the screen one after another. “Who could have guessed the evil that this innocent looking little girl harbored in her soul...” I tried not to laugh as a picture of me, bow and all, with fire being reflected in my eyes suddenly appeared. That was from the pooping harvest festival bonfire! I was singing hymns when that was taken for poop’s sake!

“Perversion… Treason… MASS MURDER...” The screen shifted to images of computer games and then to images of that mass shooting, Plath running everywhere their faces twisted with fear and pain…

Pooping really?

The Threen looked back at me with big eyes. I just pointed at the screen. He flinched and went back to watching.

”She was just an innocent little bank clerk in a tiny town. Nobody knew the horrors locked away behind her innocent smile...” A picture of me smiling at the bank appeared. Where did they even get that?

”Unknown to almost everyone she was also media pirate of the worst sort dealing in the most vile, disgusting, TERRAN, things available anywhere in the galaxy.”

Cutscenes of hyper violent and perverted games flashed across the screen, some of my favorites actually.

It got kind of boring for awhile while they went into all of the games and they had Plath “experts” talking about how horrible and corrupting they were and how I was like this really big time pirate who was at the center of a major piracy ring (ok, that part might be true but “the center” was a bit of an exaggeration). They had some people that I kinda knew talking about me and then there she was, my dear best friend in the whole galaxy, Felixroh.

That little dummy. She, wearing her prison smock and everything, just let them lead her around and she said exactly what they wanted her to say painting quite the pooping picture. Some of it was even true.

Suddenly the image switched to oil spreading across water. Looked kinda badass if I pooping say so myself.

”Then, the oil finally smothered anything pure left in her and the time was ripe for her to strike. Her contacts within the Terran underworld led her to make an unholy deal with the worst sorts of Terrans and she betrayed her own people, her own hometown as she arranged the first of her major heists.”

The words “Warning: Disturbing Imagery!” flashed across the screen. Moments later actual pooping pictures of the police station appeared. Oh by the Waters! Oh poop! It was so awful! There they were! The Chief and the guys just… all blown up.

It was horrible. I had to look down and then I saw that the scummy little Threen was looking away too.

“I said watch.” I hissed at him. He looked at me really nervous and turned back to the screen.

The show just went on and on and pooping on about how horrible I was and about the Terran raiders and how I just stood there pretending to be so innocent when I had just arranged for those poor policemen to be murdered as if the whole thing was my idea. People actually believe this?

”Now, with the payment, the absolute worst ‘game’ ever made in truth a psychological weapon from none other than the Republic’s own intelligence agency, a tool to invade the minds and very souls of the innocent she unleashed her will across the entire planet, corrupting the souls of thousands...”

The Threen looked back at me.

“Hey. Keep watching. Don’t make me tell you again,” I snapped. This was kind of pooping neat. I was starting to really get into it. Yeah, Sheloran the Plath! Fear me you poopers!

There was a whole lot about Federation Fun time after that, so much bull-poop… you can’t even imagine. Then there was this really neat graphic showing how it spread from my hometown across the entire planet. It was just too pooping much.

Then the whole mass shooting came up once again in flushing horrible detail. They didn’t pull any punches with those pictures either. Tea wasn’t going to cut it. I was going to need a couple of beers and a pillow fort after that one. I pooping hope Craxina appreciates what I went through for her.

I actually managed to fake a little giggle when they interviewed the crying survivors. I could see him flinch but he didn’t look back this time. Oh those poor people! I might have pulled off a movie villain giggle but oh my heart was pooping breaking for them.

“Listen to them,” I, channeling one of my favorite movie villains, managed to squeak. “Absolutely no sense of humor. I try to bring in some fun, brighten up the pooping place, and this is the flushing thanks I get?”

“Fuck, dude,” Darla muttered behind me. The Threen just sort of hunched down. They pooping bought it! What the poop? Is this what people actually think I’m like? This is flushing awful!

“Who knows how much more carnage she would have unleashed if it wasn’t for our righteous wrath! The brainwashing horror was found on the shooter’s, yet another of her victims, computer. Almost immediately our noble detectives were on her blood soaked trail. With the assistance of Federation Intelligence we were rapidly closing in. Knowing her reign of terror was at an end, Sheloran decided to flee but not before she indulged her profane desires on our world one last time...”

Footage of me robbing that bank started to play. Even as rattled as I was inside after all of this poop, I still couldn’t help but be a little proud. I really looked like a badass! I was all like, “pew-pew” and they were all like “argh” and “thud”. It looked like something out of a video game!

“Shit!” Darla exclaimed. The Threen actually yelped.

“Chill, it was just a pooping stunner,” I replied. “They’re fine. See? They are interviewing them.”

Oh to hear those jerkfaces talk about it I scarred them for life. I just stunned them. What were they crying about? I’ve been stunned way worse and you don’t hear me pooping crying about it. (Ok, maybe a little but come on. It was five hits from a prison rod!)

“Fleeing just moments ahead of her just punishment she, using her in depth knowledge of the criminal underworld, slithered unseen off of our world finally freeing us from her oil-soaked grasp and cutting a blood soaked swath across the Federation. We have uncovered some heretofore unknown footage of yet more of her savagery!”

A distant image of those two poop heads who tried to jump me in that star port appeared.

The screen showed me walk up and then blast both of them! Hey! That was some editing bull-poop right there. It looked like I just walked up and shot them for no reason!

“That’s bull-poop!” I yelped despite myself. “They drew first!” I don’t think either Darla or the Threen believed me.

“Good riddance!” a burly human growled at the camera. “Those two were (bleep) bounty hunters. It was about (bleep) time someone put a hole in those miserable (bleep). Probably found out that they were rats and you know what you do with (bleep) rats? You (bleep) waste them.”

It showed me gunning them down again.

“Apparently Sheloran agrees. Even armed experienced HUMAN bounty hunters cannot save themselves from being drowned in oil!”

“Not much is known about where she went or what she did after this” the narrator said as the image of my face with the flames in my eyes appeared on the screen. “One can only imagine what other havoc she wreaked upon our fair Federation.”

“Where is she now?” the voice asked as Felixroh’s smiling face appeared on the screen.

“Oh definitely the Republic!” she happily exclaimed. “She was always talking about it! Imagine! All the games!”

The scene switched to images of oil dropping into water.

“Let’s hope so. May the Republic face her and the oil she drips from every pad. It’s only a matter of time before she is unable to resist the film that has completely befouled her pond. Perhaps they will be better equipped to deal with the horrors they create. Perhaps they deserve her. May the Waters of the Eternal Pond protect us and may the great ocean forever keep her from our shores. It is said that once in every generation that the Befouler is granted one soul, one vessel from which his oil can flow. Many thought this to be a legend, a simple superstition, but after Sheloran… Is it?… Is it?...”

Dramatic music started to play and scenes of the “carnage” that I am apparently responsible for flashed across the screen.

“Sheloran, traitor, pervert, murderer… Befouler… What happened, Sheloran? What made you this way? Did the Terrans and their perverted games corrupt you or did the Befouler itself breathe life into your waters from the start? We will never know but we do know this. Wherever you are, Befouler, stay there. Lurk forever in whatever pit into which you have crawled. But know this."

Images of bonfires and of groups of Plath holding candles appeared one after another.

"If you decide to return we are waiting and we are ready to face you, fiend. And know that your oil may have left a stain but our ponds are still bright and clear. You failed, Befouler, you failed...”

As the screen faded to black I just couldn’t help it.

“Challenge accepted. I’m just getting pooping started.” I said to the screen. I hope that wasn’t over the top.

“Um… Miss Sheloran?” the Threen mumbled. “I don’t want any trouble.”

“You don’t?” I smile at him. “You were fine with trouble when you grabbed my friend. Is she still here? You better pooping pray she is.”

“Yes! Yes! She’s here!”

“How much does she owe you, not what you told her she owed you, how much does she actually owe?”

“Don’t worry about it!”

“You don’t get to tell me what I pooping worry about and what I don’t, Threen!” I snapped kinda getting into the act. “How much does she flushing owe!”

“One hundred and eighty...”

“You made me drop what I was doing and come down here over a flushing hundred and eighty measly credits?!?!? Oh I should pooping… No... Calm down Sheloran… You're not in the Federation... You can't just do stuff like that anymore…” I made a big show of calming myself down. I really hoped I wasn’t going too over the top with it.

“What’s the total?” I asked really politely. Judge Dredd taught me how exactly how pooping scary polite could be.

“One hundred and eighty three credits, ma’am.”

“Oh for the love of…” I said transferring the balance to his terminal. “There. Now go be a good little Threen and fetch me Craxina.”

“Yes! Right away!” The flabby Threen jogged off and Craxina came running out moments later and hugged me.

“Oh thank the Creator! I was so scared!”

I just put my arm around her as the Threen rushed out with two rolling suitcases.

“Here! It’s all there! All of it!”

“Better be,” I snarl at him.

“Oh, one last thing,” I said as I walked up really close to him. “I really really hate pooping bullies. I despise them,” I truthfully said as I glared up at him. “After I go you fall on your knees and thank whatever impotent god you worship that she was still here and nothing happened to her…” I took another step forward as he shrank back. “Thank them because whatever would have happened to her I would have had done to you… twice.” (That was almost straight from "Terra Noir", a darn fun little game!)

I didn’t know Threen could go pale. I pooping swear he went white as a sheet.

“Alright, girls,” I said. “We’re done here. Let’s go.”

We all head out to the van and get inside.

“Shit, Sheloran,” Darla said. “That was fucking cool as hell!”

“Thanks,” I reply as I sort of sank into the passenger’s seat, completely exhausted. “Oh, by the way I actually didn’t have anything to do with that mass shooting and feel really bad about it. All that poop was just to scare him. I’m really not like that, I swear!”

“Sure Sheloran, whatever you say...”

“Seriously I…” I just sighed and drooped my head. This is going to be like the five stunner thing isn’t it?

“Um, Sheloran?” Craxina asked in a small voice.

“Yes, Craxina?”

“You… You don’t work in a coffee shop do you?”

***

After we all got back to the hotel I loaded a card with a thousand credits. I didn’t know how much I should pay Darla but I figured that should cover it, at least I hoped it would.

It did. It definitely did. I thought her head was going to pooping explode.

“Wow! Thanks! Look… If you ever need someone again you can just call me, ok?”

“Um, sure… and I’ll put in a good word with Baxlon for you.”

“Thanks… boss!”

She got into the van, waved happily and lifted off. I just sort of crumpled and leaned against the wall while Craxina just clung to me like I don’t know… something clingy.

I needed a beer and you had better pooping believe I got one! I got more than one!

***

“So let me get this straight,” a Kalesh police officer said to the Threen, “this Sheloran person came in here, ‘forced’ you to watch a scary movie, and then… ‘made’ you accept her payment?”

“Yes! She threatened me! It was Sheloran! You know, the Plath? Sheloran the Plath! You had to have heard of her!”

“And she did this because… and let me make sure I’m getting this right...” the Kalesh asked, his eyestalks vibrating, “because you were holding a friend of hers against her will and wouldn’t let her leave?”

“Yes! Because she owed me money!”

“Uhh Huh...” the Kalesh said making a note on his tablet.

“And you’re sure, absolutely sure, completely positive that you want me to file this report?”

“Yes! She came in here and threatened me! She’s dangerous!”

“Oooookay...” the Kalesh said wiggling his eyestalks violently.

“Gotrun, you are under arrest.”

“What? But I’m the victim here!”

“Well, you can explain all of that to the judge,” the Kalesh said with a chuckle as his human partner pulled out a set of restraints.

***

The next morning a couple of cops showed up. Can you believe the weenie actually went crying to the pooping cops?

Funny thing was they weren’t after me. They just wanted to talk to Craxina about how that bully treated her.

They looked over at me and just couldn’t believe that I was the big scary monster that had that Threen so shaken up that he didn’t realize that he was the one that broke like a bunch of laws or something.

They just laughed and laughed.

They did make a point of telling me that we should have just called them and that I really shouldn’t have gone stomping in there because I could have wound up in the same position as my friend.

I just gave them a look and told them that any bodies they found in there wouldn’t have been ours.

They pooping loved that! Told me that I was fitting into Terran society just fine!

Maybe cops aren’t all that bad after all. Still, it’s probably best I don’t get them involved in my business all that often though, considering everything...

***

A few days later Gotrun was sitting in court next to his lawyer.

“Look, Gotrun, don’t worry. This is false imprisonment at the absolute worst.”

“But you don’t understand… Sheloran”

“I keep telling you this Sheloran person didn’t actually break any laws.”

“But she’s a killer.”

“Not in the Republic she isn’t and just because she made you wet yourself doesn’t mean she broke any laws. Now just be cool and we’ll get you out of this no problem.”

“All rise!” the bailiff called out. “Court is now in session, Judge Thaddeus Carter presiding.”

The door opened and Judge Dredd walked into the room dragging a long heavy cable. He sat down and looked over at Gotrun.

“Why hello there,” he said with a vicious grin…

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