Redo of a Romanceless Author’s Life Devoid of Love; Another Chance at Youth

Chapter 83.

Chapter 83. Break up? (1/6)

When I woke up in the morning I had a headache. I felt hungover. I tried to recall what happened the day before but my memories were a bit hazy. However, as I recalled what I could, fragments of certain scenes appeared in my mind.

A dream?

I broke out into sweat.

Yeah, it had to have been a dream... was what I initially thought, but reality wasn’t so kind. I sat up flustered when I found the evidence that proved last night’s encounter.

I could feel it down there, the numbness and even slight pain one felt after using one's tool too many times. The gravity of the situation gradually sunk in.

I suddenly understood Irene’s words when she said she could help provide me with a reason. But this… was too much. The reason would be guilt. A guilty conscience having cheated.

I’d… cheated to the worst degree imaginable. What was wrong with me last night? I’d lost sense of myself completely. The usual calmness I had was nowhere to be found. Was it a moment of weakness? That small moment of weakness I felt had been fully taken advantage of and exploited.

The guilt I suddenly felt bogging down on my heart threatened to crush me. I’d gone and crossed a line I couldn’t take back. I’d gotten into a physical relationship with Irene, Alicia’s mother of all things. My girlfriend’s best friend’s mother.

I covered my face with my left hand and stared at the wall in front of me.

I… can’t hide this from her. Not this.

I never believed in my life that I’d ever fall so low. I’d always told myself if I did I was better off dead. If Rosa wanted to kill me, I’d probably let her. That would probably be the only thing that would make me feel better.

I have to tell her… but how? When? Right now?

But if I tell her this, there’s no way she’d ever take up Alicia’s offer to stay here. And it would be all my fault. It could create a rift between the two friends. Why would Irene do something like this? I understood. She anticipated I wouldn’t dare reveal the identity of the person I cheated with.

I’d simply tell Rosa I’d cheated on her with someone but refuse to give away the person’s identity. There was a chance if I revealed the identity and was completely honest with her about everything that Rosa might somehow forgive me, but the entire purpose of this was to do the opposite. To have her break up with me. If I didn’t reveal everything, she'd surely develop hatred toward me and the breakup would go smoothly.

But… Rosa would be hurt in the process. What would Irene care about Rosa being hurt in the process though? She said it herself, all her love is for her daughter. Then… her intentions were to split me and Rosa up and give her own daughter an opportunity to… confess to me? If she did have such feelings, that is… I suppose her mother was convinced of that if she was willing to go this far. 

Personally, I think Alicia would care much more about her friend’s feelings than me though. I’m just her enemy... but Irene doesn’t know that. That’s one of the few things she doesn’t know. How would she ever suspect that I’d declare myself as her daughter’s mortal enemy? She really seems convinced her daughter has positive feelings toward me.

What do I do?

Devoid of strength I collapsed back onto the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling.

I didn’t know how to deal with such an extreme situation. This wasn’t a scenario I’d ever found myself in before. I had no experience to work off of. 

Honestly… I just needed to suck it up and get it over with. Delaying things would only make it harder and harder.

I thought back to the countless stories I’d read in my lifetime. Though I had no personal experience to rely on for this situation, that didn’t mean I didn’t have things I’d read in the past. I typically took things in stories with a grain of salt as they were over-dramatized and exaggerated for added effect, but in this case, I had no choice but to rely on such a flimsy unreliable source.

Not peer-reviewed for accuracy, but stuff any random average Joe without any personal experience themself may have written up. It could all be idealistic rubbish for all I knew.

In every story I thought of it was always the same nonsense. The person who cheated would keep it hidden and let it slowly eat away at them. The longer they kept it to themselves the worse the outcome.

In that regard, revealing the truth immediately, the same way I had when I kissed Alicia should be the logical decision.

But… I’d simply told her over the phone because it was a little kiss. But this was far more serious than a little kiss. Was this really something that could be handled so lightly? At least, I definitely didn’t think it should be over the phone. So… it had to be in person.

Where would I do it though?

I’d rather it not be here.

Perhaps… it would be best to end things where we first became a couple.

On top of the entrance to the school roof.

The time.

After work.

These would be the ideal conditions for her if she wanted to kill me. There would be nobody around to see a single thing.

All she had to do in that situation was give me a light push on my back. I’d fall off the rooftop and it’d all be over. It would simply be written off as a simple suicide. With the type of person I am, I’m sure no one would have the slightest doubt.

With that in mind, I let the day flow by in a natural fashion. When I saw Irene, we acted as if nothing had changed. On the surface, everything was completely normal. However, below the surface, scenes of last night flashed through my mind whenever I saw her.

The lustful gaze she’d directed at me the night before was engraved firmly in my mind.

The only thing I felt was guilt though. A pang of guilt that would destroy me. The scent of her when I brushed by her shoulder in passing was still fresh in my mind. She’d painted me in her colors. In a paint that would never be washed off. I was fully aware of that.

But it had already happened. There was no turning back. I could only move on with my life. If that life were to come to an abrupt end tonight because of the choices I made, so be it. That was just as far as I was meant to go. I’d leave my life in Rosa’s hands. What she chose to do with it was up to her. It was the only form of repentance someone like me was capable of.

I’m sure people would think I’m overreacting. Acting on emotion. Not thinking straight. That I was irrational. Acting out like a child flailing about their arms kicking and screaming. 

But… I was utterly disgusted with myself to an extreme degree. To become something I hated at my core was something I was willing to compensate for with my life. I would not live a life as something I despised from the bottom of my heart. Someone controlled solely by their lust, who indiscriminately hurts everyone around them.

To remain true to myself, and live my life the way I wished to live it, this was the only way for me.

I resolved myself.

Death is only an instant.

Living in pain is an eternity.

I went to work with the conviction to die on this day.

While at work, I sent a text to Rosa to meet me atop the entrance of the rooftop at 9:30 PM.

Like yesterday, it would be another deathly cold winter night. That much was certain.

I’d be robbed of all the warmth in my body all over again. Only… that warmth may never return.

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