Redo of a Romanceless Author’s Life Devoid of Love; Another Chance at Youth

Chapter 111.

Chapter 111. New Year’s Eve. The Dazzling Fireworks Explode, Start of a New Year. (3/6)

When our lips finally parted Alicia was panting to catch her breath. She leaned her head forward onto my shoulder with her lips pressing against it.

She didn’t know what to say or do. As she regained her clarity it was obvious what was on her mind.

Rosa.

Someone she considered a best friend.

She’d just done this sort of thing with her best friend’s boyfriend, no, fiancé.

Her feelings were a mess.

She felt happy her love had been reciprocated when she thought it was doomed to forever be unrequited. But she felt guilt, in her eyes. she’d betrayed her best friend’s trust. She valued friendship above anything else. That was how she lived her life up until now.

“We can’t do this. I can’t be with you. You belong to Rosa, not me. This is wrong. This would be stealing.” She suddenly said that with a downcast voice.

“And who told you it’s wrong?”

“Who? Nobody did. It’s just wrong.”

“You are mistaken. Your preconceived notion of what is right and wrong stems from morals society has fostered within you from a very young age. Society is who told you it’s wrong. It’s not something you were born thinking. It all depends on how and where you were raised. If you were born in a different country, did you know, something like this is actually the cultural norm?”

“It… is?”

“Yes. Now, why is it the cultural norm there and not here?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s simply a difference in viewpoints and values. There exists a big difference in the reality they face there compared to here. The harsher environment and disparity in the standard of living make it so a larger group of people supporting one another is required to survive in the world. Now, the country we live in may seem easy compared to there, however, do you think it is getting easier to survive in this country these days?”

“Isn’t it?”

“No, unfortunately, it is not. Though technological advancements have certainly made it easier over the years. That doesn’t guarantee things will always remain that way in the future. Just look at your mother, she is working three jobs all on her own to support you and your brother. She may be able to do that now, but do you think it will be as easy to do so in the future for future single mothers? Again, the answer is a resounding no. It will only get harder and harder.”

“National debt exists, with it comes inflation. National debt is increasing exponentially, not linearly. As such, inflation will follow. It is maintained at about 1-2% inflation per year to be considered healthy. However, it is not sustainable at all. Minimum wage is not increasing fast enough to keep up with the debt the country is taking on.”

“As the cost to maintain a basic standard of living grows ever quicker by the year, people will not be able to survive on their own. Even with another partner, it may not be enough. There are plenty of two-parent households where both parents work and are still only just barely able to stay afloat.”

“As such, the only way to cope with such a reality is a larger group of people supporting one another. One such method to survive would be multiple people tied together romantically.”

“They don’t need to be romantically involved though.” She countered.

“Certainly, that is true. That was just an example. But it goes without saying, those in other countries have adopted such a system. It typically isn’t founded on something like love, but rather, stability. A monogamous system is actually more unnatural from nature’s point of view. Nature tends to push things in the direction of polygyny.”

“Even if you say that. I still can’t accept it. I’ve betrayed Rosa’s trust. She set this all up for me so I could move on. She confronted me head-on, seeing through me entirely. She could see the feelings I had for you even when I myself couldn’t. On Christmas Eve, when we were sleeping together, she asked me something. If a guy did the exact same things you did that day, would I have reacted the same way? When I thought about it seriously and put any other guy I was friends with in place of you, the answer I came up with was a resounding no.”

“It was at that point I realized I felt something different toward you than other guys. Whenever I look at your back from behind I can’t help but feel it’s one I can lean on and rely on. I don’t even know when it became that way.”

“Christmas came and I found myself dazed while looking at your face as I forced a smile on it. Why can’t he just smile? I thought at the time. Then I started wondering, why did I want to see you smile so much? Why? You don’t even smile in front of Rosa. So why do I want you to smile in front of me so bad? I didn’t get it.”

“When I snapped out of it and realized you were holding my hand the entire time, somewhere inside me was happy. Why was I happy? Where did that come from? Why did my hand where you held feel so hot? I didn’t get it still. Why is it always you?”

“Immediately after that, you proposed to Rosa in front of me. I was extremely happy for Rosa, but something inside was pulling at my heart. I didn’t let it show though since it was just a faint distant feeling that I didn’t understand. This was Rosa’s special day, I had to be happy for her so I buried that feeling deep down.”

“We got into a snowball fight right after. It was fun. A lot of fun. I couldn’t help thinking I wanted to do something like this every day if it was with you. I tried to replace you again with another friend in my mind, but I didn’t think I’d feel the same way. Slowly, a fear was creeping into my heart by that point. The fear that I liked being around you too much.”

“When we were exchanging presents and it was suddenly revealed that you’d be renting out a room at our place, I realized I was secretly over the moon. I turned and hid my face to hide the stupid smile I couldn’t restrain. We’d be living in the same house and I’d be able to see you every day. If it was another guy, my reaction would have definitely been different again.”

“We all played video games together after that. When you taught me how to use the guitar my heart was beating like crazy when your arms were around me from behind. I thought I’d pass out. Why was my heart fluttering so strongly?”

“That night, Rosa asked me how I felt about you. She asked me straight up, ‘you’re in love with my boyfriend, aren’t you?’”

“The second she asked me that, despite quivering out a weak no, I started to cry uncontrollably. I knew she was right. No matter how much I told myself it wasn’t like that, for her to point it out so blatantly, I knew it had to be true. I was in love with you. I’d become unconsciously fascinated by the lonely boy on the rooftop at some point and sought you out on my own.”

“When I couldn’t find you, I was frustrated. When I finally came across you and discovered your identity as the kind convenience store worker I had a favorable impression of, I felt extremely happy at the time. When we went on that double date while we were in the movies together, I was scared of the movie, but you were stone-faced. I felt safe when hugging your arm, it felt like you’d protect me from anything scary that came my way.”

“When you met my brother and effortlessly revealed he didn’t hate me like I thought he’d grown to, I wanted to cry. When you acted like the devil to save him I was moved. When I leaned my head on your back and you acted like it was nothing I thought you could do anything with little effort. When I immediately found out right after your weakness was dancing, I felt like I was special for being the one to uncover that weakness. When we danced together after that I’d never felt happier in my life.”

“When I joined your date with Rosa and you gave me that yellow bunny, I wanted to scream and jump for joy while hugging it. When I received the necklace, I felt like I wanted to kiss you. When we ate at that restaurant together I wished we could always eat together like that. When we read that book at the library together, I felt anxious and I was constantly looking over my shoulder, but it was okay... because I had your sleeve to hold onto. You were beside me, everything was fine as long as you were there with me.”

“When you said leave explaining the situation to my mother to you, I felt like everything would turn out just fine if it was you.”

“Even these last few days where all we’ve done is play video games together, I’m always looking at you. I haven’t been looking directly at you, but whenever I have the chance, I find myself constantly staring at the picture of you on the rooftop with your back to me on my phone.”

“There were so many signs, so many… but I kept looking away from the truth. I… love you. But I can’t be with you. My heart feels like it’s being ripped into two pieces. It hurts. A lot! So much that dying might be the better option if I can make this splitting pain go away.”

She completely dumped all of her bottled-up feelings onto me in one go. It was... a lot.

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