[Book One] Chapter 04: Laying cards on the table

Chapter 04: Laying cards on the table

Commander Shepard, newly anointed spectre, gave a little inspiring speech to motivate her crew.  Going after Saren, saving the galaxy, only they could do it. In other words, standard motivational speech which was proven to be effective. Once she was done and Joker had congratulated her, She went to the Galaxy map to pick up a destination. As she had said to Udina, making contact with Liara T’soni could possibly save herself a lot of time. And even if she didn’t, Matriarch Benezia’s daughter was specialist on the prothean and maybe could help with her expertise on the beacon’s vision or to find the conduit. It was a bit of a long shot but they had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

After telling Joker of their destination, which he gave an estimation of a week of travel as an ETA, the commander went down the stairs to the lower deck to talk to Dr. Chakwas about their med supply. Not unlike Joker, the latter congratulated her for her promotion and quickly did a run down of her infirmary situation. Once done, Shepard left the med-bay and took the elevator to reach the lowest deck, the engineering and storage section of the Normandy. The ride was even slower than the ones at the citadel. In her eyes it was the only flaw of her new ship. Once on deck, she saw Garrus working on the M-35 Mako, an infantry fighting vehicle designed for quick deployment on the ground. Not far from the turian Wrex was sitting down against the wall, waiting. Finally, near the lockers, she saw Ashley and Rick in front of the work table. They were physically close to one other and were talking so low that she couldn’t hear what they were talking about. Since everyone seemed to be busy, except Wrex but she didn’t want to really talk to the Krogan right now, she went down the engineering side of the deck to speak with the chief engineer, named Adams and to Tali. She wanted to know in more detail what the Normandy could do.

Meanwhile near the workstation Ashley was attempting to cheer up her friend and was failing quite spectacularly.

“Am I alright? No.. I’m not and to be honest, Pinkie, I don’t think I’ll ever be alright again.”

“I’m sorry, Rick, it was a stupid question for me to ask.”

“It was but… it was out of care, so I’m not upset about it, nor am I upset at you. I… just… I can’t…”

He had difficulty putting into words what he was feeling. This was not something new to him. It took some time for Ashley, early in their relationship to understand that Rick had a hard time expressing his emotions correctly. She had thought him a cold heartless bastard and had wondered how a nice and good woman like Analysse could have married him. She got her answer one day when her friend got very sick; he never left her side, taking care of her as if she was a queen. He showed his love for his wife through his actions, not his words. It was Analysse who caught her surprise, confessing that it was one of the biggest reasons she fell for him. While he had trouble expressing himself and even recognizing what he was feeling he let his body do the talking and that to her, a simple gesture from him meant more than a thousand words anyone could say whether they’d be true or not.

It was at this point that Ashley began to see Rick in a new light and that led to their friendship being true and developed directly and not through Analysse anymore.

“I…” Rick was still trying to find the words but gave up, instead he gently took one of Ashley’s hands in his and squeezed it in silence as if he wanted to reassure her or perhaps seeking reassurance from her. Perhaps it was both, she didn’t quite know, but instinctively, she squeezed back in return. Her friend needed him in this dark hour and she’d be there, just like he had been for her.

“I guess I’m… terrified.” he finally said.

“Of what?”

“Of me? Of… what I’m feeling. It’s not just one, it’s several. None of them are positive.”

“That’s normal, Rick.”

“I know, but the last time I felt that way I… Nevermind, it’s not important anymore. I just want to… wreck havoc somehow? To go hard at something. To hurt it, to make it scream in pain, so it can all go away.”

Ash, filled away the tiny bit of past he talked about, and focused on him. She knew quite well what he was currently feeling. She had lost plenty of friends or fellow soldiers during her time in the alliance, though none of them meant as much to her as his wife meant to him.

“That’s your grief and your pain talking to you. Probably your anger too, fueled by those two.”

“Yeah, those. Ugh… I can deal with the anger but the other two? Nu-huh.”

“How did she help you with them?”

“Grief and pain? I don’t know, I never felt those with her.” he replied, and while he had his helmet on, Ash could hear a hint of a smile in the tone of his voice clearly remembering the good and happy times. Which was good as it was distracting him.

“As for anger? Sex. Lots and lots of sex.”

The answer made Ashley snort. She wasn’t expecting that and certainly not in such a neutral tone.

“God, how much time did we spent fucking dealing with it? I wonder.”

“Was it really that much?” she asked, barely containing her laugh.

“Oh you have no idea. At least every day. Some days multiple times as I snuck into her office, especially when I dealt directly with those retards.”

That was it for Ashley and she laughed aloud.

“Honestly, I suspect she sent me to deal with them on purpose.”

“She wouldn’t!”

“Well, she had problems with her terminal or her omni-tool at least twice a week and called for me to fix it, so yeah, she certainly would.”

“Oh, god! I never imagined her doing that. She was so…”

“Proper?”

“Yes!”

“Let me tell you, she wasn’t. In fact, to my greatest joy, she was quite adventurous. I’m surprised you didn’t know, never spoke of sex during your ladies night?”

“Well, yeah we did, but what she spoke about was more of the vanilla variety. I think the kinkiest thing she shared was the time you had sex on the upper level of a warehouse, right in plain sight, just above the workers while they were doing their job.”

“Clearly, she was holding out to you.”

“Now, I’m even more jealous.” she said with a pout.

“How so?”

“The few men I’ve dated during those two years in the colony have been lackluster at best. The bit that she shared, no matter how vanilla, was way more than I got. After every single one of those nights I got home super horny and couldn’t go to sleep without taking care of myself a few times.”

“That’s a shame; I’m sure if you had asked her she would have helped you with that.”

“What?!” Ashley exclaimed in astonishment.

“As I said, she was adventurous. She always wanted to try something with someone from the same gender.”

“You mean… she wanted to have sex with me? And you were okay with that?”

“Uh-huh. But she wasn’t sure you’d go for it. She didn’t want to make things awkward between the two of you if you turned her down. She valued your friendship too much. As for being okay… well… only if she recorded it and only with you.”

“Why only me?”

“Because it would have been purely physical, she didn’t love you that way and neither did you and I knew that, you would not have tried to take her from me. Others? Others, I didn’t know and didn’t trust.”

“Wow. I wish… I wished she had asked me.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You would have ended up tied up from head to toe or collared and on a leash. She would have destroyed you, she was quite rough when she wanted.” Rick stated.

“I would have loved every second of it.” she replied in a whisper.

“Oh my! Aren’t you a kinky one gunnery chief!”

“Say the man who wanted a recording of it!” she said, hitting him in the arm.

“What can I say? It was all part of my great plan! Having material to blackmail you into joining in our bed for a threesome.” he said laughing.

“Are you proposing to me, Mister Wald?” she asked, batting her eyes exaggeratedly.

“Well, I have a lot of anger to deal with, Miss Williams.”

She was joking of course and knew he was joking too. Or at least half- joking because she was a damn fine woman with all the right curves. But he wasn’t ready, not that she would do it or not do it for that matter, as Rick was really a handsome man with all those tight and well defined muscles who made her curse her friend sometimes for being so lucky; but Analysse loss was very, very fresh and he wasn’t in a state where he would be up for it. He may joke, he may laugh but his early state when she approached him was more than enough proof. He was currently just pushing down what he was feeling. Besides, Analysse was her friend, perhaps best friend even, it would not be right to go after her husband even if she was gone. She suddenly realized that she’d have to be careful with how she interacted with him or it could blow up.

Any more banter was put on hold when Shepard made an appearance and made a bee line for them.

“I see that everything is going alright over here, I could hear laughing from engineering.”

“My apologies ma’am.”

“I’ve done nothing to apologize for.” Rick stated.

“Yeah I’m not surprised you’d say that and there is no top brass here Williams, just call me Shepard.”

“Only if you call me Ash.”

“Not Pinkie?” She asked with a small smirk.

“Not if you like to be healthy. It’s my nickname, go and think of yours.” Rick said in an annoyed tone.

“Rick!”

“What?”

“Stop it! Why are you so sassy and provocative towards the commander?”

“Yeah, what she said.” Shepard added her two credits.

“Honestly? Because you’re disappointing.” he flat out said, making Ashley gasp and Shepard’s eyes grow big.

“Excuse me ?!”

“No, you’re not excused, not for being who you are.”

“And what am I?”

“You’re a yes-woman. Following orders, doing things by the book.”

“I’m a soldier.”

“No you’re not, you’re just a mindless pawn. Yesterday you were the Alliance’s bitch, now you’re a spectre, making you both the Alliance and the council’s bitch. Doing what they tell you to do. That attitude will not help you deal with Saren, someone who cares not for the rules or the laws.”

“So I should just do whatever I want? The end justifies the means, is that what you’re saying?”

“Not in the least. What I’m saying is: be a soldier, do what you need to do regardless of the rules as long as you don’t sell your soul to do it and can still look at yourself in a mirror. Because if you do, then perhaps it isn’t worth doing.”

“Speaking from experience?” Shepard tried to pry as she was quite a bit pissed at him.

“Not mine.”

“You know, I clearly remember that you said you would follow my orders, not quite half an hour ago? Did I imagine it?”

“No, I did say that and even gave you my word. I will obey your orders but it might not be the way you intended. Look, all I’m saying is to give your people some slack, let them do their thing even if it’s not part of the protocol or rules or whatever. Do so and you will see new opportunities which could give you a better outcome of what you want. Because after this morning I can say with certainty we would not be here right now had I not done my own thing.

“What do you mean by that?”

“You were on my back all morning like an over-controlling mother. You didn’t need to do that. You didn’t need me, Kaidan or Ashley for your talk with Barla Von or Wrex. We could have shared the workload between all of us making things easier, but you didn’t. Had I followed your lead like a lost puppy, we would not be ready to go right now as we would not have the necessary supplies, we may not have been in time to help Garrus and his Dr. friend. Hell, you were not in time to save Tali from Saren’s men. I was because I took the leeway you were not giving. You want a perfect example of someone going by the book and never doing anything? Look at Garrus, c-sec officer, very competent at what he does, yet he couldn’t bring Saren down because he respected the rules. The moment we entered the picture, he threw most of the book out the window and got results. You’re a spectre now Shepard, you need to act like it and use and abuse the freedom that status gives you. Within reason of course.”

That tirade left the commander speechless and mostly thoughtful. She had never seen things under that angle. She just obeyed the orders she was given and followed the rules, never questioning if there was, perhaps, another way, a better way to do so. Thinking back on how she did things this morning, she had to admit, she hadn’t been very inefficient, and that nearly cost Tali her life and her proof against Saren.

“You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“Take your time.”

“Do not do that again. At least not in public. You can’t dress down your superior in front of everyone, it's not good for the cohesion of the crew.”

“Understood, next time I’ll do the spanking in private.”

“What?!” she said, her mouth gaping in shock.

“By the way, Pinkie is mine.” he said, grabbing a still shell shocked Ashley by the waist with his arm and pulling her to him.

“Find your own nickname, I mean it.” 

With those words he left the storage bay and went towards the engineering area, leaving behind two dazed women who didn’t quite understand what just happened.

“I’m sorry Shepard. He should not have done that, he went too far.” the gunnery chief said apologetically.

“It’s fine Ash. He was out of line but he’s right. I needed to hear that.”

“Still, I’ll talk to…”

“Really it’s fine. In fact it’s perhaps better that it happened now than later during the mission. Now we’re on the same page, with what our expectations are for each other.”

“If you say so.”

“I do, now what were the two of you talking about that made you laugh so much?”

“Our sex lives.” Ash answered bluntly, making the commander freeze for a second and blush.

“Oh.. so.. So soon after…” she let the rest of her sentence hang on. Rick may have lost his wife but Ash lost her friend, she wasn’t sure she should talk about that subject.

“Well, it was more of a distraction than anything.” getting a puzzled look from the other woman she explained.

“I know, it’s unconventional but… he wasn’t doing very well. Rick is not very good with emotions and… god what am I saying, he’s awful at it.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked an intrigued Shepard.

“He’s a very rational and logical man. He deals with everything that way, emotions included. The problem is…”

“Emotions are not rational or logical at all.” she answered in understanding.

“Yes. Hence his difficulty with dealing with them. Sometimes, like right now, they are so mixed up he can’t even identify them properly or at all. So he either squashed them down letting them simmer until he lashes out or …”

“Lashes out on the spot?”

“Yes.”

“Was he about to snap?” the commander asked in worry.

“No but he wanted to. So I tried to help him put a finger on what his emotions were and how to deal with them. When we came to speak about his anger he just joked that his wife was the one dealing with that one with lots of sex and from there well… we talked about our respective experiences, him with his wife, mine with some past boyfriends then flirted a bit. That distracted him; he’s good for now.

“Flirted? Really?”

Shepard couldn’t wrap her head around that piece of information. His wife was killed not long ago and he was now flirting? Even though she was rather cold and reserved about her emotions, she would not be flirting a so soon after a loss.

“It’s not what you think. He saw it as a game and focused on it instead of what he was feeling and his loss. That’s how he was able to talk about Analysse. He compartmentalized it.”

“I’m not going to lie, Ash, it’s a bit disturbing.”

“I know, but it’s his coping mechanism. It’s not the greatest but it works for him. It’s better than drowning himself in alcohol or something else harmful.”

“I have to say, from an external point of view, it doesn’t look like he cared about her at all.”

“I know, but it’s nothing further from the truth, Shepard. His whole life revolved around them. He’s a good man, just give a chance and some time.”

“I will Ash but…Them?”

“Analysse was 38 weeks pregnant.” in a breaking voice.

1. MY. GOD. the redhead thought.

“It was a baby girl. She wasn’t even here yet, that he already loved her to death. Analysse joked that should he love her any more she would get jealous of her own daughter. I… was … I was supposed to be the… the  godmother.

Immediately Shepard took Ashley in her arms, the latter doing her best to not let the tears that had formed in the corner of her eyes fell down.

“I’m sorry, I just… I need a moment.”

“That’s alright, take your time.” replied the commander massaging gently the teary eyed woman’s back.

Taking a few moments for herself to catch her breath and to deal with what she was feeling, she pulled out of her commanding officer’s embrace and wiped any tears in her face with her sleeve.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get the time to properly …”

“It’s alright Ash, better now than in the field. Besides we have a few days before reaching the Artemis cluster so take the time you need.”

“Thank you, skipper.” Ashley said with a smile.

“Skipper?”

“You are the captain of a frigate.”

“Hmm.. I like it.” Shepard replied thoughtfully.

Taking a last worried look at Ashley who nodded, the redhead walked back towards the elevator where she was joined by Garrus.

“Sooooo…” he began, the atmosphere being quite awkward.

“I guess you heard that.”

“It’s a small space, and you were all rather loud.”

“I hope the whole ship didn’t hear.”

“Not that loud commander.”

That made her sigh in relief.

“So what’s your take on it?”

“Williams seems strong, she’ll probably deal with her grief enough before we reach the Artemis cluster. Rick is clearly messed up but considering the circumstances, he’s doing rather well. He’s perhaps the most motivated here to take down Saren. If you were referring to what he said… you’re both right and wrong. I always did things by the book, most Turian do actually, it’s how we are raised, to respect your superiors, to do as you’re told, the way you were told. It brings cohesion and order. Without rules… It would be chaos, just like the Terminus systems. On the other hand, after working at c-sec for years, I understand that sometimes it’s more of an obstacle than anything. Culprits getting free because they have connections or money, innocents being lost because you had to follow the rules. I think there is a very tight line between the two and that depending on context it’s better to follow or bend a rule. One thing is sure, had it been a turian crew, he would have been arrested on the spot and court-martialed. Insubordination is not tolerated in the Hierarchy.”

“Neither in the Alliance, but with the loss he just had... He wouldn’t even be on a ship for a while to begin with. It’s a moot point though, he’s no soldier.”

“He does fight like one.”

“Yes. Not like someone from the alliance.”

“No, more like an asari.”

“Asari?”

“He’s fast and agile, moves around a lot and strikes with precision with strength behind it. It reminds me of the asari commandos. The question is…”

“Where could a human learn to fight from an asari?”

“Yes, they are rather secretive of their fighting style.”

“I don’t know Garrus. One more question without an answer about the mystery that is Rick Wald.”

“Want me to keep an eye on him?”

“I would appreciate that Garrus, thank you.”

The turian simply nodded his agreement and the rest of the elevator ride was done in silence.

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