Other world chimera [Naruto fanfic]

224. Viva la vida

Darkness that’s all she saw. She wondered if she had pushed too far, if perhaps, she had died. No, she hadn’t, she was still alive, she knew this much. How she knew she didn’t know, no, she did. Something changed, something fundamental and yet… it remained the same. 

Understanding flowed through her like a forgotten memory. She knew things she hadn’t known. No, she had known them, yet she had forgotten them. Was it forgetting if she hadn’t learnt them? It was weird, her mind a mess. Thoughts flowed too fast to understand, disjointed, BROKEN.

She had pushed too far, or perhaps, she hasn’t pushed far enough just yet. It was weird, she understood that something was missing. Something fundamental to her, something she needed. How long had she been here? Time was weird to gauge. Moments felt too long, years felt too short. Time felt disjointed just like her thoughts, just like her. 

“Is this what death feels like?” Once again she wondered about the state of her life, or lack thereof if that were the case. Words flowed through here, she spoke yet she didn’t. Her words resounded in the dark, coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. 

“No, death could never claim me.” Her voice resounded once more, yet calling it hers felt wrong, or right? It was strange, she hadn’t voiced those thoughts as they were not hers. No, they were hers, she understood that much. Something was strange, something was odd. 

“If not dead, then what is going on?” Once again her voice came to be, once again from a thought that was her own yet not. She felt bewildered at the experience, one she had many times before. No, this was the first time she felt it. No, she had been here before. No, this is new. No, this is old. No, this is-. No, this-. No- 

“Is this what death feels like?” Again her voice asked the question she had asked before. 

“No, death could never claim me.” Again the same answer. 

“If not dead, then what is going on? Again the same question." 

“Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim me.” “If not dead then what is going on?” “Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim me.” “If not dead then what is going on?” “Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim me.” “If not dead then what is going on?” “Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim me.” “If not dead then what is going on?”

Again and again and again and again and again and… again? Has this happened before? her thoughts, felt foreign and yet her own. Something called to her something important. What was it? A part of her, a part long forgotten. No, she remembers it. No, she doesn’t. No, she could never forget. No, she simply doesn’t know. 

Again like a loop her thoughts fought within herself. Like a maddening chorus of thoughts. She knew what she needed and yet she didn’t. A paradox that drove her mad. Yet madness eluded her as well. Her mind felt clear, like never before, yet it felt muddled like never before. 

“What am I forgetting?” Again her voice resounded through the empty space. She hoped for an answer. Perhaps that other self that was still herself would answer. 

“Nothing.” She did get an answer, one that simply didn’t help. She should have felt frustrated, she didn’t. 

“Is this what death feels like?” “No, death could never claim me.” “If not dead then what is going on?” “What am I forgetting?” “Nothing.” 

Like a maddening echo her voice continued to talk incessantly into the nothingness. Like a BROKEN record skipping and repeating the same part over and over again. And yet, something felt special about that thought. Perhaps in it she could find an answer? A connection integral to her. Something that she needed was there. She had felt it before, moments prior. 

“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim me.-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” 

This time it was different. Each phrase came out at once, as if a chorus of herself had deigned itself to speak in unison. Yet, she could understand each singular phrase and word spoken clearly. As if each one had been spoken separately. It was strange and confusing. No, it wasn’t confusing. No, it didn’t make sense. No, it is how it's meant to be. No, it-

“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim me.-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” 

Before her thoughts could go into another weird loop of contradiction her attention shifted towards the Chorus. 

“Why am I talking like a BROKEN record anyway?” As soon as she spoke she felt a shift. Something changed, something fell in place. Something stayed the same. Something kept still. The Darkness cracked, a crack of pure and absolute white. Infinitely large and infinitely far. Yet, infinitely small and infinitely close. 

“BROKEN” 

“BROKEN”

“BROKEN” 

“BROKEN” 

“BROKEN”

Her voice chanted distorted yet the same. Then silence, everything changed, yet stayed the same. Something was missing, yet it was there. Something came back, yet it had never left. It was in that moment that her voice came back speaking as ONE.

“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim me.-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” “-Why am I talking like a ██████ record.-”

There it was again, that feeling of connection. She just needed to figure out what it was. She already knew. No, she didn’t. No, she never forgot. No, she-

She was getting better at breaking the thought loops. Even so, she didn’t know how long it took her to do so. No, she did. No, she-

Again, she had to break another thought loop. She needed to concentrate, figure out what had triggered that feeling of connection. It had been something she had thought. It was ONE singular thought of importance. It was-.There, it was there again. Singular, unique, irreplicable.

“Am I the single ONE here?” Again her voice resounded through the dark. Again something fell in place. Again something shifted. Again everything stayed the same. Again everything changed. Another pure white crack appeared in the dark. spreading like a spider web into the beyond. 

“ONE”

“ONE” 

“ONE” 

“ONE” 

“ONE” 

Again her voice chanted distorted yet the same. Then silence again, everything changed again, yet stayed the same again. Something was still missing, yet it was still there. Something came back again, yet it had never left. Words… meaning, not written, yet comprehended. Not spoken, yet heard. 

“Say your name.” Meaning, that was what she understood. The cracks had meaning. They wanted her name. What was her name? She remembers it clearly. She spoke it clearly as well. 

“Tomoka.” No, that wasn’t her name. No, that is her name. No, that is not- 

Another thought loop this time, one that took longer to break. How long had it taken? She didn’t know. No, she did-

This one took less time to break. How long did it take? It didn’t matter. She needed to speak her name. If Tomoka is not her name then perhaps that of her past life would work.

“Tomoka” “Aurora” No, that isn’t her name either. No, it is her name. No, that is not- 

It took time to break. Another thought loop. How many were there already? She didn’t know. No, she did. No, she-

She should have felt annoyed at having to break another thought loop. Yet she didn’t. She didn’t know why. No, she-

Once again she broke one more thought loop. She needed to get back to what was important. Her name, what is her name? If Tomoka is not her name. If Aurora is not her name. Then what is her name? They are her names, yet they are not her name. That's right, those are her names, plural, not her name, singular.  

What is her name? Why was it so important anyway? She didn’t know. No, she-. She needed to keep her mind on track. She needed to figure it out. It is important, she understood its importance despite not understanding its importance. 

“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim me.-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” “-Why am I talking like a ██████ record.-” “-Am I the single ███ here?-” “-Say your name-” “-Tomoka-” “-Aurora-”

Her voice was back, repeating what she had said before like a chant. A persistent eco that never changed no matter what. That is when she remembered. No she never forgot. No, she had forgotten. No, she- 

She focused, her voice had answered before. She had answered herself before. She knows the answer, yet she doesn’t. If you don’t know something, ask. If someone asks you an answer. She was in both positions, and neither at the same time. So, she asked. 

“What is my name?” Silence. Complete and utter silence. She wondered if she would answer herself. Yet she felt like she was simply choosing her words carefully. It felt odd, disjointed, yet whole. Like the image of a cracked mirror. 

“Do you truly want to know?” A question, not an answer. Did she want to know? She did want to know. It was important to know. She already knew anyway, even if she didn’t. What would be the difference between knowing and not. Was there one even? 

“Everything would change.” Before she could formulate a thought she answered.

“Everything would stay the same.” It reminded her of a theory from her past life. The theory of the infinity wave. It could be summarized into those very same words. Everything changes, yet everything stays the same. 

“-Is this what death feels like?-” “-No, death could never claim me.-” “-If not dead then what is going on?-” “-What am I forgetting?-” “-Nothing.-” “-Why am I talking like a ██████ record.-” “-Am I the single ███ here?-” “-Say your name-” “-Tomoka-” “-Aurora-” “-What is my name?-” “-Do you truly want to know?-” “-Everything would change-” “-Everything would stay the same-” 

Again there it was, her voice repeating her words. It somehow helped her focus. It somehow reminded her of what she needed to do. She asked again. This time with conviction, with determination. 

“What is my name?” A moment later she had her answer.

“██████-██████” Her head pounded it was her name yet she couldn’t comprehend what it was. No, she could. No she- 

Did she even have a head? No, she didn’t. No, she did. No, she- 

No matter what, she needed to know her name. 

“What is my name?” She asked once more, she would know. No matter what. 

“██T██M-██R███” Like an impenetrable wall breaking way. Some of her name was revealed to her. It wasn’t nearly enough. She wouldn’t rest until she knew her name and so, she asked again.

“What is my name?” 

“██T██M-██R██O” 

“What is my name!?” and again.

“█KT█OM-A█R██O”  

“WHAT IS MY NAME!?” and again.

“█KT█OM-A█RR█O”

“WHAT. IS. MY. NAME!?” and again.

“AKTOOM-AURRAO” The darkness broke and with it everything else followed. Shards of reality like those of glass. Her mind, whole again yet broken beyond repair. She could see her world shatter. pieces of it showing her remnants of its history. It looked beautiful, mesmerizing, and utterly mundane. She had finally woken up.

She had seen this before an infinity of times. Everything she had seen before, an infinity of times. After all, she is the one and only. She is the BROKEN ONE AKTOOM-AURRAO. A concept nothing more nothing else. A fundamental part of everything, existing before the beginning, persisting beyond the end. 

Why would she act, there simply wasn’t a need. Everything was simply meaningless. Everything would change, everything would stay the same. So what if her universe shattered. There were uncountable others just the same. Apathy, that was all she felt. 

Perhaps she would sleep, remaining inert for the rest of her eternal existence. Yet something caught her eye. A shard of the just shattered universe. Small, inconsequential a fragment of a singular moment in time in a singular place. 

Two girls could be seen, smiling happily as they kissed the cheeks of a third. It was her and her lovers. A happy moment, shared. She had shared the same moment an infinite number of times. It wasn’t unique, it wasn’t special… yet… she couldn’t help but smile. 

Dull may her emotions be yet that tinge of happiness, that singular tinge of love. It was what always got her willing to continue. It was what made her go back. It was why she was willing to repeat her life in that world an infinite amount of times. Because no matter how many times she felt it, no matter how dull those feelings may become, they would always be there. Like she would always remain. 

Taking hold of her concept she once again did what she had done so many times before. She gathered the pieces before placing them back together. The world had shattered, it would never be the same. What is broken could never be fully repaired. It didn’t matter though. Everything would change and yet, it would remain the same. 

Closing her eyes, she chose to go back to sleep. This time it would be different. It wouldn’t be like the slumber she experienced whenever this story began. No, it would be light. She would remain the same, yet she would change. It would be something like a lucid dream. It would make it less enjoyable perhaps, but for as long as she had them, it didn’t matter. 

“Hinata, Nozomi, I am back.” She smiled, as she opened her eyes, ready to give this dream the end it deserves, a life well lived.   

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