Only Villains Do That

Bonus 12 In Which the Party Greets the Guest of Honor

There is no way theyll fall for this, she exclaimed, disbelieving that she was the only one who could see it.

Flaethwyn. Yoshi spoke her name with an impatient edge that, a week ago, he would not have dared. It cut through her like a heated blade. Juststop. Weve been down to desperate measures for a while now. This is not the time to nitpick at our allies.

She kept her face composed, of course, but Flaethwyn could feel herself coming to a boil. Ever since theyd come down here No, that wasnt it. Ever since theyd lost Raffan, it had all been coming apart. Every fragile scrap of security she had laboriously put together with these people, shredded, and one by one they were turning on her. Just like everyone did in the end. The shock and grief had created an opening, and that Dark Lord and these filthygoblins had been working fingerholds into the minds of every one of her friends. Soon enough theyd

Kid, the goblin woman in the ridiculous pink suit said, giving Yoshi a long stare above the rims of her tacky pink-and-gold spectacles, lemme give you some free advice about management. Just because your people are tellin you things you dont wanna hear doesnt mean you dont listen. Ive heard nothing but non-stop complaints about me being here ever since we set out from home, and yknow what? I have never gotten too sick of it to listen, because thats not a thing. I hire the best people and pay em well for their work, and that means I pay attention when they tell me stuff. Even if I end up not following their advice. Now, I dunno how useful this elf ordinarily is, but if shes good enough for you to bring her along, shes good enough to be listened to. Particularly at moments like this when shes obviously right.

Miss Sneppit gave Flaethwyn a courteous nod, and it was all she could do not to wind up and kick the preposterous little creature. As if she couldnt clearly see this blatant, unoriginal ploy for sympathy for what it was.

In this case, we dont need to convince Jadraks people, which is good cos we dont have the time or resources to pull that off. We just need to introduce enough uncertainty to keep him engaged for a few hours. Splittin you off from us will actually help more with that if he doesnt go for it, because then hes gotta divide his attention to both negotiate with me and monitor you. Even if hes suspicious, this wont be immediately threatening enough to make him twitchy about sacrificing souls.

I see, Yoshi murmured, then turned to Flaethwyn, lowering his head. Im sorry, Flaethwyn, shes right. This is a tense situation for us all but I shouldnt have snapped at you.

She nodded jerkily in response, managing to keep her face controlled. The boy was just soearnest. What kind of world did he come from, where somebody so naive could live this long in enough luxury to have been as overweight as he was when he arrived? If it wasnt for her and Pashilyn hed have been eaten alive in Fflyrdylle. Even now, this goblin was handling him as deftly as that unhinged thug Seiji did.

We are also dividing our attention, Pashilyn pointed out quietly. I understand why the overall plan must hinge on assuming Lord Seijis success. If, however, Jadrak decides to betray you mid-negotiations, youll have sent away your best physical support, with all due respect to your security detail.

Its a risk, Sneppit admitted, but a necessary one, and one I judge acceptable. Us bein backed into this corner ironically gives us more freedom to move than Jadrak; if Lord Seiji fails were just fucked, so we gotta put everything into this last gambit, but he has to think about the future. Havin me on his side, on good terms, would be a massive benefit to his organization, and every rival he doesnt crush with brute force will be another feather in his cap in the coming weeks when all the fervor dies down and his people start thinkin like goblins again. Hell take this seriously, so long as he doesnt get the idea Im just stallin him.

Whichyou are, though, Yoshi said.

Yeah, and that pretty much determines my strategy. Yours, too, for that matter. Im gonna go in there and negotiate my surrender on the best possible terms for me. Goblin negotiations bein what they are, that could take hoursbut what I cannot do is drag it out unnecessarily. Jadraks rep will know what it looks like to have me angling seriously for a good deal, so thats what I gotta show em. However long it takes me to hammer out a mutually acceptable agreement, thats how long Lord Seijis got to finish Hoy and get back here, because Im not gonna sign the damn thing and once I refuse to, the games up.

You have a contingency for that, Flaethwyn stated, folding her arms and making it clear with her tone that it was not a question. Someone like you never operates without a backup plan.

Arent you sweet to notice, Sneppit replied with a toothy grin. My contingency is, as your priestess friend pointed out, you guys. I chose the venue for a reason: right down that corridor is the chamber where Ill meet with Jadraks people, which has exactly one entrance on the other side and one exit on this one. And down these stairs is a route straight to my tram station. Hey, pixie, you can navigate there past any doorways and branches, right?

Easy enough, said Radatina, especially since weve been through here before. We were several stories lower, but its close enough I remember the layout.

Attagirl. At the tram station, along the north wall of the main loading bay, the third tunnel from the left is the route Lord Seiji will be taking to get here. If he loses to Hoy, at the bare minimum we can be sure the Void witch will be in bad shape after scrapping with a Dark Lord and his followers. Follow that route and youll come up against Hoy, and hopefully be able to finish him off. Meanwhile, if I run outta time up here and have to book it, thats where Ill run with my people to rendezvous with you. What I need you kids to do is clear Jadraks mooks outta that station. Best case, thats where Lord Seiji will show up triumphant; worst, youll have to polish off a Void witch and thatll be our escape route.

Got it, Yoshi said, nodding seriously. What can we do on the way to sell it?

Dont, Sneppit said sharply. Look, kid, no offense, but Ive seen your idea of political theater andit works, for big messy displays, but I dont need you tryin to handle anything that finicky. The route to the station is partially exposed and Jadrakll have people watching this whole complex, so theyll see you all leaving. You should be out of range but watch for incoming projectiles, by the way. Ill tell em we had a falling out over you kids being Kings Guild butts in general, theyll see you go, and thatll have to do.

This scheme has another glaring flaw, Flaethwyn stated, staring down at the goblin. It would be a perfectly logical course of action for you to actually surrender to Jadrak on these optimal terms you are planning to negotiate, and then help him hit us from behind.

Yoshi grimaced and opened his mouth to speak, but Sneppit beat him to it.

Yep, it would, the goblin said frankly. Just like you lot could probably murder me right here in this room; its not like theres a whole lot I could do to stop you. This situation does require trust between people whove had little enough chance to develop it. I know what goblins do in that instance: would it make you feel better if I signed a contract?

Actually, Yoshi said, no disrespect to your culture, but I just need to hear it.

Sneppit raised an eyebrow, but then nodded. Okay, then. You have my word Ill do exactly as Ive just told you. When the time comes that I cant stall Jadrak any longer, Ill be retreating along the same route I just pointed you at, assuming I successfully get away intact. From both ends, well have to depend on each other. If my word is good enough for you, then I guess Ill accept yours as well.

You have it, he said. Well secure the station as best we can. If Omura doesnt come, well hold out as long as possible for you. A major push from Jadraks army might force us to retreat, though.

You gotta exercise your best judgment there, she agreed.

Really? Flaethwyn burst out. Thats good enough for you? Really?

I had a promise from a Spirit, remember? he said, meeting her eyes. We can trust her, Flaethwyn. Her, and Omura. For now, at least, anyone who gives us their word to stand by us will be loyal. I know you dont exactly trust goblins, any more than they trust us surface people, but for right now? Weve got the closest thing to certainty its possible to have.

Hes right, I was there, Radatina added a second later while everyone was still staring at him. We got the Spirits promise on it. If that doesnt hold true, then nothing in the world does and were all doomed anyway.

This whole plan has far too much were all doomed anyway for my comfort, Pashilyn murmured.

You and me both, kid, Sneppit said with a cheeky wink that made Flaethwyn want to strangle her. And speakin of that, wed all better get to playing our parts before the Goblin King runs outta patience.

Well be as fast as we can, you be as slow as you can, Yoshi said, nodding. See you on the other side, Miss Sneppit.

Knock em dead, kiddo.

The exposed section she had referred to was a ledge running along one wall of Fallencourts enormous central cavern, affording a dramatic view over the cityand in particular, the Core Tower hung with Jadraks green banners.

Justplain green. No pattern, no sigil, nothing. Flaethwyn spared them a sneer in passing. Well, it wasnt as if goblins could be expected to understand heraldry, of all things.

It was quieter in the city than during their initial charge, in which they had lost Raffan and had to endure a humiliating rescue by the Dark Lord and his goblin stooges. Quieter, but not by much; the walls did not echo with screams this time, but the background noise of yelling and miscellaneous urban sounds had an angrier character than a populated city ordinarily should. Miss Sneppits assessment had proved more or less correct in that this path seemed to be out of easy range of any projectiles, but from this vantage they could see dozens if not hundreds of goblins stopping in their own movements to watch the four of them make their way along the wall.

A lot of them were visibly thinking about it. Several actually tried; three iron balls fell pathetically short of them, but one managed to impact the wall just a few paces below. The four ducked their heads and picked up the pace as more slingshot-wielding goblins scurried into position and took aim. More impacts thunked against the stone just beneath, but they made it across the exposed section and into another interior staircase without having to defend themselves.

They know the city better than we do, Yoshi said, leading the way. Theyll probably predict where were heading

I dont think so, necessarily, said Radatina. Some might, if they guess the plan, but there are lots of side corridors between here and that station. Anybody who didnt know the city, or have a familiar along, would probably get lost.

Well, thats a relief, then. Youd better lead, Tina-chan, and warn us if anybodys getting close to our path.

Will do, Yoshi!

I know these are hardly optimal circumstances, Pashilyn said suddenly, but we need to talk about the future before it happens to us. Yoshi, I assume the Spirits message put some limit on the amount of trust you can extend to others? Spirit or no, the idea that a Hero can simply go through life being dealt with fairly and never lied to absolutely beggars belief.

Not life, no, Yoshi said, slowing his descent somewhat. They were now navigating a staircase of goblin-sized steps, which required some concentration to walk down even without talking at the same time. Just Kzidnakwait, no. The Spirits exact words weresomeday soon Id have to pass beyond the borders of Dount, and then Id have to be more careful. But apparently I can trust what Im told here.

Dount? Flaethwyn said incredulously. Absolute lunacy! This island is nothing but bandits and beastfolk, and that hidden city of dark elves. The only actual civilization is one half-depleted excuse for a town and a handful of Fflyr Dlemathlyss most pathetic Clans under the leadership of the most degenerate of them all.

Dont forget the Dark Lord, Amell said in a small voice from the rear of the line.

Exactly, thank you. My point stands.

Tina and the, uh, lizard both said Spirits are actually able to tell the future, Yoshi added. I suspect it has a lot to do with who well be talking to before our adventures take us off this island.

And that includes the Dark Lord, apparently, Pashilyn said in her most thoughtful voice. The revelation that we can trust him to deal with us honorably iswell, it adds some context to the general bundle of dilemmas that is Lord Seiji. After getting to know him for a few days, I find Im less surprised by that than I perhaps ought to be.

Flaethwyn kept silent, because the only sound she could have produced in that moment would have been a most unbecoming screech.

But, Pashilyn continued after a pause in which no one challenged her statement out loud, there is, as I said, the future. Assuming the best case scenario here Victory in our current plan will mean we have effectively handed the Dark Lord an entire city of goblins. Even assuming he is behind all the strange bandit activity

You mean, the strange bandit activity where they dont kill anyone anymore? Amell suddenly interjected. Flaethwyn whipped her head around to stare in shock; Amell had always been admirably mindful of her place as a lowborn, not to mention rather personally timid. Right now, she looked frightened of the fact that she was even speaking, but stubbornly pressing forward. No rape, no random violence, only people who can afford it being targeted, and never all of their money taken? Why is the Kings Guild so worried about that?

The Kings Guild is more worried about the sophisticated tactics and unconventional alchemy being used, Pashilyn said seriously. The people to whom the Kings Guild answers are undoubtedly more concerned because this looks less like bandit activity than the beginnings of an organized rebellion, and in particular a popular uprising. And Lord Seijis presence certainly sheds some context on that, does it not? But as I was saying, even if he has control of all or even most of the bandits on this island, handing him an entire city full of goblins will advance his position by orders of magnitude, overnight.

Wellat this point, what else can we do? Yoshi asked.

Kill him, Flaethwyn said without hesitation.

Pashilyn shook her head. Whether or not we should have done that in the beginning is another questionand I for one will admit I dont know if I could have turned on someone who has repeatedly saved our lives and offered us no harm. And that was before we learned we are dealing with devils and Void witches. The truce between Sanorites and Viryans in the face of the Void is sacrosanct; it must be. Nothis is simply what is happening. What will happen. We need to grapple with our role in it, and decide what we will do afterward.

Omuraisnt a bad person, Yoshi said slowly, staring ahead and clearly thinking over his words carefully as he spoke them. Hes justan asshole.

Oh of all the hair-splittingthis is Thremycts reeds if Ive ever heard them!

Flaethwyn, you know I have no idea what that means, Yoshi said with a sigh, and she felt another stab of terror.

She was losing him; he was showing more and more impatience and disregard for her. How long would it be before he threw her aside like everyone else? If only she could be as clever and restrained as Pashilyn. Pashi was still holding onto his sympathy, even as she

What Ive seen of Omura down herewhat weve all seenmatches what I saw in Akiba Station, for those few minutes we knew each other there, Yoshi continued, stopping at the base of the stairs and turning to face them after hed stepped back enough they could emerge as well. Hes Well, Pashilyn, youre a lot more perceptive than I am. Whats your read on him?

Lord Seiji is a man who wants to do the right thing, Pashilyn said quietly, but isnt very good at it. Your assessment is apt, Yoshi; hes an asshole. He is rude, melodramatic, and generally obstreperous for little to no reason. And vindictive. His anger and viciousness toward his enemies are exactly what I would expect from a Dark Lord. Butso much of what he does seems to be motivated by moral outrage. By, ultimately, compassion for the vulnerable.

Exactly, Yoshi nodded. Exactly. It was like that in Akihabara. He gladly did the right thing, went out of his way to helpit just wasnt his first impulse, and he tried to play it off with rude jokes. So Its not Omura Im worried about, exactly. Im worried about his friends.

You think hell turn on them, too? Flaethwyn said, controlling her voice with difficulty. Her heart was thudding in her chest at this turn of conversation. She was terribly unsure where this was leading, but entirely certain it would be disastrous.

Its not that. I think Well, did you notice how they all talk back to him all the time? Not exactly like an evil warlord and his minions. He seems to encourage his people to call him out; hes got the kind of organization that seems designed to prevent power from going to his head. I wonder if he did that on purpose or he just likes to be more casual with his friends Either way, he listens to them, and they honestly seem like good people. Especially Aster, she seems like a good influence.

Aster, Flaethwyn hissed, that jumped-up, pushy lowborn

Wyn, you do have that effect on people. Aster is generally quite calm with everyone else. Pashilyn softened her gentle rebuke further to reaching out to rub Flaethwyns upper back, which helped, but even so, her words were like spikes. Not Pashilyn too She couldnt lose her Pashi. Even if the others turned on her, shed dosomething. Being in Yoshis party was a priceless opportunity, and Flaethwyn found she actually liked the boy (for some unfathomable reason), but theyd gotten along without being Hero tagalongs before. Without Pashilyn, though What would she even have left?

I worry about them, Yoshi said, looking seriously at each of their eyes in turn, because theyre all a lot easier to kill than a Dark Lord. Because being a Dark Lords followers means theyll be going into a lot of situations that tend to get people killed. And then Not only will he not have those moderating influences, but what hes likely to do in a rage isexactly the reason people are afraid of Dark Lords. So I was thinking I mean, about your question, Pashi, about how well need to handle this going forward, after Kzidnak

He paused, took a breath and rolled his shoulders once, and then shrugged.

What if we were his friends?

I am not hearing this, Flaethwyn whispered.

Itit makes sense to me, Amell said nervously. The Hero is supposed to defeat the Dark Lord, right? I meanits unconventional, but if hes just, um, persuaded tonot do Dark Lord stuff Well, thats the Dark Lord defeated, right? In a way.

Its that, Pashilyn mused, or try to kill him. Its Yoshi, I think we need to consider and discuss this at a lot more length. Which meansnot right now.

Uh, yeah, were pretty close, Radatina said, the normally animated pixie keeping a very neutral tone and expression that concealed whatever opinion she had about this conversation. Down two corridors and another flight of stairs, and were at the station. And, guysits really quiet around here. Sneppit seemed pretty sure Jadrak would have seized and occupied the tram station, but Im not sensing nearly as much activity nearby as that would involve.

Right, Yoshi said, exhaling and nodding. Youre right, all of you. Lets push on. All this stuff we can deal with when its quieter.

He led the way, and they followed. This time Flaethwyn fell to the rear of the column so nobody would be able to see her face. It was one thing to see the doom of everything coming and know it would begin with her being betrayed and cast out like so much dead weight, just as she always had been

It was something else to let them see her see it. Never show weakness; that was the only thing of any value her mother had ever taught her.

Well, I guess this explains the quiet, Yoshi said minutes later, standing in the middle of the tram platform and looking around. Theres not much point in securingthis.

Oh, Miss Sneppit is gonna be mad, Amell whispered.

Flaethwyn barely managed to refrain from cuffing her. Who cares? The question is how does this affect us?

The tram station had been thoroughly wrecked, but in a strategic and purposeful way; it looked like the work of an army, not miscellaneous looters. Every one of the tracks affixed to the ceiling had been pulled down or damaged in some way, enough to prevent them being used by the actual trams. All the stations contents, from tools to furnishings, had been removedalmost surgically, in fact. It actually looked cleaner than on their previous visit, with no loose trash strewn across the ground. Aside from the machinery that had been deliberately destroyed to make it unworkable, nothing else appeared to have been vandalized. There was no graffiti, even, which given how much goblins seemed to love graffiti really said something.

What exactly it said Flaethwyn couldnt begin to guess, but it was definitely something.

In addition to the tracks themselves having been sabotaged, barricades had been erected along many of the tunnels, including

Yeah, thats the one we want, Radatina reported, buzzing upward and pointing at the third tunnel from the left. The one behind what is obviously the sturdiest barricade here.

That seems a little too specifically inconvenient to have been a coincidence, Pashilyn commented.

All right, well, we gotta get that opened up somehow, said Yoshi, cracking his knuckles. Hm Look, we can get up onto the boarding platforms by those stairs, see? Much better view from up there. Lets start by getting a look at what were dealing with.

On it! Radatina chirped, already zooming off ahead.

They four of them trooped after her at a more sedate pace, not least because the steps and platforms were goblin-sized and made of metal, affixed to thin columns attached to ceiling and floor. They vibrated when stepped on, but didnt feel insecure Still. Metal platforms? It just seemed soinsubstantial. Not to mention wasteful. The goblins were supposed to be poor, how did they have so much metal just lying around?

huh, Radatina said, staring down at the offending barricade. The others clustered together beneath her, getting their first good view of the obstruction from above.

It was sturdy indeed, consisting of an entire fallen tram car dragged into position and laid on its side. Panels of solid sheet metal had been coated along the entire surface of it facing down the tunnel, affixed by a variety of chains, bolts, ropes, and other methods to a point that looked downright excessive, all to ensure they wouldnt come off easily. Anyone who wanted to move that thing would have to physically move the entire tram carno easy feat, as it had itself been filled with loose rocks.

Also, it wasnt blocking the entire tunnel. There was a space along one side easily wide enough for a person to walk through.

What is even the point of that? Flaethwyn demanded incredulously.

Yoshi leaned forward, narrowing his eyes as he peered down. Look how its positioned. We didnt notice the gap until we got up here. From the stations entrance Yeah, from the main entrance, or the side one we came through, or basically any angle thats not from above or on the other side of that tunnel entrance, it looks like its been walled off.

You are suggesting, Pashilyn said slowly, that Jadraks forces were ordered to blockade this entrance and impede the Dark Lord But chose to deliberately do the opposite, while making it seem like they had obeyed?

Oh, who understands why goblins do anything? Flaethwyn exclaimed. If they have the slightest bit of sense, even the ones working for that lunatic Jadrak will have started to realize theres no future with him. Hoy was openly talking about the Void in front of his people, remember? That would start inciting rebellions among anyone.

If Jadraks main army is riddled with defectors, Yoshi murmured, the last stages of this might be a lot less hopeless than we thought

Whats that noise? Amell asked suddenly.

Whatever it was, it was coming from down the very tunnel in question, and growing rapidly.

The deep, distant rumble sounded like the growl of some horrible monster. As they all stared, a strange, pale light grew in the distance. With the angle of the platform on which they stood, the direction the tunnel curved and the fact that there was an open space above its entrance where it was more of a canyon than an actual tunnel for the last stretch a it approached the station, they could see a decent distance into it. Until seconds ago, there had been nothing to see except darkness, but now

As the party shifted position to get a better view and the light grew steadily brighter, the roaring also rose in volume. And now, starting faintly but just as quickly rising as it drew closer, there was a voice.

Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker! Flicker!

Even as the brilliant luminescence grew right on his heels, Hoy came blasting out of the darkness in a frantic chain of short-range teleportations. It barely kept him ahead of his pursuer, until the very last second when it suddenly didnt.

The Void witch nearly toppled forward as he came to a stop, suddenly finding himself with nowhere else to teleport to. Well, he probably could have jumped to the top of the barricade, the stone walls separating the canyon from its neighbors now that it was not longer an actual tunneleven the boarding platforms from which the Heros party were now staring down at him. But he was clearly at his wits end, exhausted and panicking. All the frantic goblin could see was his one route of escape blocked by an unexpected iron wall.

No! Nonono FUCK! Fire La

Valiantly, he turned and tried to attack his pursuer, but never finished the spell.

It blasted out of the darkness behind him, snarling like a mammoth beast and blazing with light, nearly tipping up onto two wheels as it rounded the last curve. Flaethwyn barely had a split-second to recognize it was some kind of huge, boxy vehicle, painted an incongruous glaring white, before it slammed into Hoy and then into the iron wall in front.

The entire barricade shifted slightly. Not enough to really move it, but that impact made it rock.

Once it was fully in view and not moving, the thing was as shockingly mundane as it was alien. At a glance she recognized it as some highly-evolved descendant of the covered wagons which carried most commerce throughout Fflyr Dlemathlys and its neighbors. It was definitely made of exotic materials such as shed never seen, though, and assembled in configurations that would never have occurred to her.

Truck-kun? Yoshi whispered. Flaethwyn turned to find him staring down at the vehicle as if hed just seen the ghosts of all his ancestors cavorting about in the nude.

Then a sudden, shrill, and strangely rhythmic beeping noise echoed through the deserted station. The trucks engine revved and it began backing up, making that peculiar beep the entire way. As its flat front cleared the space where it had hit the barricade, Hoy dropped to his knees from where he had been pinned there, barely catching himself on one arm.

That goblin should be liquefied, Amell whispered in amazement.

Repulsion Aura works on large impacts, too, said Radatina. Just, um Only partially, and only once. All the magic he had left was just burned up in one hit. Wow, thats a lotta broken bones.

The Void witch tried, though. One of his legs was clearly shattered; he had to reach up and grab the edge of an iron panel with his one good arm to pull himself even partially upright. That was as far as he got, though.

The truck stopped, the beeping was silenced, and suddenly the machine roared. Its boxy rear end swayed, gravel spraying from the wheels as for a second it failed to find purchase under the sheer torque, but then they caught and it surged forward again.

Hoy didnt even have time to scream.

The crash of the impact made the splat blessedly inaudible, but scarlet goo splattered absolutely everywhere.

See? Radatina said philosophically.

Like I said, Amell nodded. Pulped.

Pashilyn performed a heirat of benediction for the departed, one of those permitted only to priests of the Convocation. Rest in puree, Hoy of Kzidnak.

With an odd whirring noise barely audible under the idling engine, one of the vehicles blood-drenched windows slowly lowered straight down, affording them a view into the cockpit. There, the Dark Lord Seiji leaned out and grinned insanely up at them.

Get in, losers. Were gonna kill the Goblin King.

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