Only Villains Do That

Bonus 10 In Which the Lads Unravel a Mystery

Theyll be fine.

I know.

Theyre big girls, and you said they pushed back the goblin attacks pretty easily. Plus theyve got healing slimes.

I know.

Its not like everybody doesnt know where we sleep, Kass. If they need you, someonell come get you.

Inffknow!

He winced with pleasant discomfort as Harolds thumbs, strong as thalnin blades, dug particularly hard into the balls of his feet. Harold gave him a knowing smile, not pausing his work.

I know, I know. But none of that stops you from worrying.

Of course it doesnt, but it still helps to hear you say it, love. Kasser smiled back, wiggling his toes. Some stuff you just cant get away from, you know how it is. Im always gonna live with that idea The feeling I should be protecting the women from danger. Thats a mans duty.

Even though the women on guard duty down there are specifically better fighters than any of us, Harold replied, his smile widening as he pressed even harder into the soles of Kassers feet. Who, I might add, would probably kick your ass for saying something like that.

Which is why I dont say it where they can hear, Im not an idiot.

Harold paused in massaging his feet to tickle them instead. I have no comment on that.

Asshole, Kasser rejoined lazily.

Hey, you cant talk to me that while Im giving you a footrub. Jackass.

What you mean is I shouldnt. We both know Im not all that bright. He grunted, having to lean forward and stretch to reach, but Kasser managed to extend his arm down and take one of Harolds hands in his own, squeezing it gently. Lucky I have you to humor me.

As long as you appreciate it. Harold lifted their joined hands to lightly kiss the backs of his knuckles, eyes glimmering with amusement over them, and then let go. They both relaxed back into position, Kassers feet resting in his lap, and he resumed massaging away the soreness in their soles. If anything, Id think youd be more worried about Lord Seiji, going down into there with barely any backup. I am.

Kasser heaved a sigh, letting his head loll against the back of his chair. Its hard to worry about that guy.

Well, I manage. Even if only because of how fucked we all are if he dies.

Hes also a walking natural disaster. Hell be fine.

There are the girls with him, too, Harold murmured. Asters tough as hell, but the others are just girls. And that elf is at least as reckless as Lord Seiji, without the firepower to back it up.

Mn. He really didnt enjoy the way everything always seemed to come back to Lord fucking Seiji, even though that was perfectly reasonable and nobodys fault. Ydleths got a brain like a sack of broken bottles, but the other girlsare probably fine. Asters such a mama goose and has that artifact armor, and Lord Seijis got his healing magic. Seriously, theyre probably better off than the girls holding the defenses.

Ydleths not bad, Harold protested, then his smile took on a teasing aspect. At any rate, shes downright chummy with people who dont pick at her. I guess youll just have to take my word about that.

Your point is made, but being real Im okay with not being Ydleths chum. The fucking Dark Lord channels all the abrasiveness Ill ever need to experience from other people, and then some.

Yeah, hes kind of a piece of work, huh, Harold sighed. But he tries. You can see him trying. Thats gotta count for something.

Kasser grunted something noncommittal and swung his feet down to the floor, sitting up straighter. He didnt say it aloud, of coursethere was no point in making Harold feel badbut could they not go five damn minutes without Lord Seiji coming up?

Harold gave him a smilea warm, genuine one, that said hed noticed the subtle increase in tension and wasnt going to add to it. Kasser had no choice but to smile back in the same way. He hadnt just been aimlessly flirting; Harolds emotional wisdom was the only thing keeping him sane some days. He really didnt know how he would have survived this long had they not found each other.

Harold settled on the second bed, the one they used for seating and storage. Back when Rocco had been in charge, the old fortress had been more than spacious enough for the tiny gang and theyd claimed what had been officers quartersnot as nice as some of the chambers, but about the size of a decent inn room. Lord Seiji hadnt even hinted at moving the original crew around, not when the barracks and other chambers still provided more space than the whole Dark Crusade needed, and so they had a space they had made comfortably their own, including piling crates along half of one of the beds so that it made an improvised couch with deep storage along the back. Being both craftsmen, theyd tweaked and refined it until it was sturdy and looked almost deliberately constructed that way. Kasser occasionally wondered why most houses didnt have something of this design, it was just so handy.

Picking up the beautifully carved akorshil flute from its carefully crafted display stand, Harold settled in and Kasser straightened up eagerly. The flute was more than just a source of joy for them both, it was a symbol. Their meeting with the Spirit at the behest of their unpredictable lord had been Well, it was a turning point for them both. Harold himself had been more calm since the Spirits brief but profound conversation, less timid and better able to maintain equilibrium under pressure for both of them. Kasser hadnt felt as much changed by the encounter, personally, but the improvement in their relationship had been a gift for him as well.

Just as Harold lifted the flute to his lips, there was a knock at the door.

They both froze, glancing around in instinctive panic that still hadnt entirely faded after weeks of the new bosss rules and permissive attitude. Both were barefoot and half-dressed; Kasser had his shirt off and Harolds was unlaced all the way down. This time that was just because theyd been washing up, and the rags and basin of water on their nightstand even backed up that story. It was just

The habits born of years hiding who they were did not fade that easily.

Yes? What it is? Kasser asked, then winced at the edge in his tone.

Mr. Kasser? Mr. Harold? Can we come in?

He was already hastily pulling a shirt over his head; Harold had carefully replaced the flute and was lacing his own back up. The voice behind the door was small and soft, almost recognizable. He couldnt be sure which of the girls it was, exactlyhe didnt hang around with the kids any more than he could helpbut it was definitely one of the Gutter Rats. The original handful Lord Seiji had taken under his wing, not the general crowd brought in later.

What the hell did they want, at this hour?

Come on in, he said, straightening his shirt.

The door opened and Benit stepped in, folding down her hands politely. Her sharp green eyes also flicked once around the room with a speed that made the gesture almost unnoticeable, but he was just accustomed enough to them to have caught it. That was exactly the kind of thing he and Harold had learned to be careful of, and the Rats were sharper than any highborn hed ever met. Without doubt that one little glance had told her a lot more than hed like about what they had been doing, not to mention everything in their room that was worth stealing. Not for the first time, he thanked the Goddess the Rats were on his side, and mostly respected Lord Seijis rules. Benit was particularly discreet, anyway.

Behind her came Aenit, and finally, easing his body halfway around the door jam as if afraid to come all the way in, was Gilder.

Sorry to bother you this late, Mr. Kasser, Mr. Harold, Benit said politely. We think this is pretty important, though, and we cant find Miss Minifrit.

Shes probablyhm. Kasser broke off, considering. If shes not in her room or the kitchen at this hour, I dunno.

Shes not in Lord Seijis room, either, Aenit added with just the faintest smirk. I know hes not there, butyou never know.

Its okay, girls, said Harold. And Gilder. Whats up?

The girls each stepped to the side, clearing a space for Gilder to come fully into the room. Whichhe began to do, hesitantly, one foot at a time, glancing about with clear nerves. What was up with the boy? Kasser mostly knew him as the outgoing, frequently troublesome one. Something had obviously spooked him.

Its like this, Gilder began, but Aenit loudly cleared her throat.

All the way in, and shut the door, she scolded. Come on, Gilder, you know this is sensitive.

Right. Right, yeah. He did scuttle the rest of the way inside with a bit more energy, and Benit pushed the door closed behind him.

Everything all right, kids? Kasser asked, increasingly concerned about this uncharacteristic display.

Okay, so, Gilder said, still clearly nervous. Kasser saw now that he was carrying something: a thick leather folder. You know, uh, Sakins room?

Kasser shot to his feet, making Gilder skitter reflexively back against the closed door.

What did you do?!

Kasser, Harold interceded, his voice gently reproving. Its okay, Gilder, its not like were gonna do anything to you. If you fucked up, thats for Lord Seiji to do something about when hes back. If he wants to. What did you need to tell us?

Gilder nodded, deliberately easing the tension from his shoulders as Kasser sat back down.

Right, so. Short version is, I found something important in Sakins room.

How? Kasser demanded. We went through everything in that room! My team took it apart.

Well, no. Gilders usual, irrepressible grin cracked through his unease as he was handed an opportunity to boast. Im guessing you took apart everything in it. Common mistake. No offense, Mr. Kasser, but you think like a shilwright, not a Gutter Rat.

Gilder always was one of the best at finding other peoples stashes, Benit commented. Stop looking smug, this is the first time its been a good thing.

Fucker used to steal everybodys troves, Aenit added, giving him a filthy look.

Hey, its not like you all didnt steal mine right back!

Harold cleared his throat. Sakins room?

Okay, right, so. After you cleared everything out, I went in to justhave a look, yknow? And I looked over the walls and So, when you were in there, you saw the wall paneling, right?

Yeah, it was a captains quarters or something, Kasser said, repressing his irritation. Probably whatever passed for highborn two hundred years ago. That paneling will polish up nicely, not that Sakin ever bothered. I was kinda looking forward to spiffing it up, when theres time.

Right, its pretty scuffed up in there, which was probably why you didnt see the particular scuff marks I did. Gilder nodded, no looking entirely full of himself and apparently having forgotten whatever hed been so nervous about a moment ago. See, theres this Uh, right along the bottom, theres thislong, flat bit that holds it in?

The baseboard, Kasser nodded.

Sure, if you want, Gilder said, and Kasser barely bit back an annoyed retort. Harold shot him a sympathetic look. Even fully grown people seldom appreciated the finer details of good construction. But, see, part of it had these real particular scuff marks I recognizedlittle marks on the wall next to it where it had been moved out. The kind that doesnt happen if its moved once; it had been lifted repeatedly. Honestly, Im pretty surprised a careful snake like Sakin left even that much trace, but hey, the whole room was pretty banged up after being left to rot for a hundred fuckin years and he probably wasnt expecting anybody who knows what to look for would ever be poking around in there. So, theres part of thewhatsit? The baseboard, theres part that swings out. And then that frees up some of the panels of the wall to be just lifted loose.

And you found that folder behind them, Harold guessed.

Gilder shook his head. No, no, I got the folder outta storage. Way too bulky for what was in there, butuh, I figured they needed protecting, and also to have something to hide em while I carried them around. It was papersall stuck flat against the wall, behind the paneling. Here, I took everything apart and brought out all of em.

Did you put the room back together after? Kasser asked by reflex as he took the heavy folio and opened it.

Course I did. Gilder sounded downright offended. Who do you think I am? You never leave traces. Any Rat would be smarter than that, and Im the best.

Ugh, Aenit grunted.

Kasser ignored her, already fully engrossed in the papers he was leafing through. Harold came over to peer over his shoulder.

Holy shit, Kasser whispered.

Oh, fuck, Harold agreed. Kids You did good bringing this to somebody higher up. But, uh I dont think were the best choice to take care of this.

Thats what I thought, Gilder said. Uh, no offense. We did look for Miss Minifrit first

Good idea, finding somebody fast, Kasser acknowledged, looking up to nod at him, but your first instinct was right. We need to show this to Minifrit.

Right, sure, shes gotta be somewhere, Gilder said, nodding rapidly and already backing up against the door. Its not that big a castle and it aint like shes got much to do this late at night, with Lord Seiji not here. Ill find er!

Hed yanked the door back open and scurried out even before Kasser could call after him, And dont tell anyone else!

m not stupid! Gilders voice echoed back down the hall as he disappeared around a corner.

Benit emitted a long-suffering sigh and pushed the door shut again.

Whats with him? Harold asked. This discovery doesnt seem like the kind of thing hed be so worried over. The Gilder I know would be bouncing with excitement.

Aenit and Benit exchanged a long, loaded look.

What is it not? Kasser demanded. How worried should I be?

Right, soyou know how Gilder had been bothering women all over the fortress whore well out of his league? Benit asked.

Which is all women, everywhere, Aenit chimed in. And all women is pretty much who he was bothering, I think Miss Minifrit is the only one he didnt dare try it on with.

Well, apparently Lord Seiji had a chat with him and put a stop to that.

Lord Seiji did that? Kasser felt his eyebrows shoot up in a fresh wave of surprise that overwhelmed even the shock of the papers still spread out in his lap. Well, damn. I didnt take him for the parental type.

Correct, Benit said with a sigh. Oh, he handled it all right, just in a veryLord Seiji way. Basically he got Gilder to think about how ladies feel about his behavior byhow would you put it?

She turned to Aenit, who grimaced.

He showed Gilder very vividly what its like to be cornered and pawed at by a man.

Which shouldnt have anything to do with you two, Benit said hastily. Lord Seiji didnt even imply that, we asked Gilder about it. But, you know This is just Gilder being weird, and Lord Seiji not bothering to think ahead about what other lessons he might accidentally be teaching.

Kasser very carefully closed the folder and handed it to Harold, because those documents were far too precious to be crushed in his reflexively clenching fists. Harold took it with one hand and draped the other reassuringly around his shoulders.

Its not really Lord Seijis fault Gilder is stupid, Aenit said, watching them closely. And Gilder Well, he is stupid, but not usually for long. Hell get over it. Hes justgoing through some stuff right now.

Im gonna go out on a ledge and say its a little his fault, Kasser said bitterly. That asshole cant even do something nice without being a prick about it. Harold gave him a comforting squeeze.

Lord Seiji doesnt mean any harm, Benit assured him with a serious expression. He values you guys a lot, and you know he doesnt have any Yknow, prejudices. He just forgets to think about other peoples feelings before he does stuff.

Just like Gilder, Aenit added.

You want us to tell him off for you? Benit asked. Weve already chewed out Gilder, not that he listens. None of this is Lord Seijis fault, exactly, but it wouldnt hurt him to be a little more thoughtful about opening his mouth.

Kasser drew in a deep breath and let it out, and found somewhat that he didnt even have to fake the smile. He reached out to lightly pat both of their heads.

Youre good kids. Thanks, but no. A man has to fight his own battles.

Dont fight Lord Seiji, Mr. Kasser, Benit urged with the utter solemnity of which only children and liars are capable. Hell wreck you.

He had to laugh bitterly at that. Oh, I am very well aware.

Weve been managing Lord Seijis moods since well before you kids came along, Harold added with a rueful chuckle of his own. Trust me, weve got the method down, and fighting him isnt any part of it.

Frankly, the method is just to complain to Aster, Kasser admitted. Hell, its twice as effective now that weve got Miss Minifrit around, too.

Well, if the method is to hide behind someones skirts anyway, why not let us help? Aenit said. Lord Seiji does listen to us, yknow.

Kasser and Harold exchanged a loaded look of their own.

You girls just enjoy being kids while you can, Harold finally advised. Everybody grows up faster than they think, and if we dont all die youll grow into Dark Lord wrangling duty soon enough.

For some damned reason, both of them smiled brilliantly at that. Kasser opened his mouth to ask a question, then shut it, reasoning that nothing good would come of it. He really did not understand children.

Im no expert in forgery and its not as if Ive seen Rab Sionis signature before, but as far as I can tell this looks authentic, Miss Minifrit said fifteen minutes later when she was enclosed in the room with them, leafing through the papers in Gilders folder. If it is a fake, its probably good enough to fool his own people. This would get the bearer safe passage through Godspire, as well as any assistance they required, and a guarantee of absolute secrecy by any agent of the city-state to whom it was shown.

Yeah, thats the only one I really understood, Kasser admitted. Even the others with the Godspire seal

These are letters of credit drawn against Godspires treasury, she said, carefully laying aside the safe passage document to page through the several identical papers. Not common, but more so than the previous. And they are definitely authentic; this embossing is actual gold. Anyone who could fabricate something like this would have little need to.

I dont understand the legalese, but I can read numbers, Harold protested. For what those claim to be worth, that much gold is

To redeem these, Minifrit explained, one would have to take them to the Godspire treasury, to be then examined by agents thereof, who possess a registry of every such letter issued and also are far better equipped than I to spot a counterfeit. They are also empowered to have people seized, imprisoned, and executed, which is what happens in that order if you get caught in Godspire trying to defraud Rab Sioni. Anyone with the resources to reproduce these documents would be disinclined to take such a risk.

And the others? Harold asked. I can recognize Savin script but not read it, and I have to assume my Corrin is more rusty than I thought because I could swear that page was a love poem.

The Savin documents are more of the same, she said seriously, her deft fingers carefully turning over each page to examine them in turn. The letter of safe passage and assistance is not signed by the Empress of Savindar herself, but some minister or other. Nor do I know who is Queen of Shylverrael, but assuming this is her signature, this one Hm, interesting, the terms are slightly different. The bearer is not authorized to enter the city of Shylverrael itself, but it should earn protection and assistance from the lizardfolk and naga who live around the lake. And these letters of credit are drawn against the treasury of the Savindar Empire.

So, uh, Gilder prompted, how much money are we talkin about, here?

You cant count that high, Minifrit informed him. And yes, Harold, this is a love poem, which in the context of the rest of these documents means the Gentry, down in Lancor. They like to use ciphers embedded in poems and songs. The Gentry are undeniably efficient, but also rather more stylish than is strictly necessary. Notoriously so, in fact.

Gentry? Kasser squinted at her. You mean The Lancor nobility? Their highborn?

No, those are the Houses. The Gentry are the major crime syndicate which operates throughout the Lancor Empire. They have no presence on Dount; Fflyrdylle is the only place in Dlemathlys you could encounter their agents, and even those are just emissaries to the local gangs. Lord Vanderhoen has been aggressive about prying them out. Obviously, while I know they like to use poems as codes, I have no idea what this one is meant to say, or who its for. The only person who does got himself sniped by a cat.

Wellhopefully the goblin business will be settled soon, and Lord Seiji will be back, Harold said a bit nervously. Hes got the Blessing of Wisdom, hell be able to tell.

Minifrit shook her head. For purposes of the Blessing of Wisdom, a language is a system designed to facilitate communication, while a code is designed to do the opposite. They cant instinctively read codes the way they can languages. There are Wisdom perks aimed at code-breaking, but the Blessed gain perks based on their life experiences, and I rather doubt Lord Seijis have led him in that direction.

You are one knowledgeable lady, Aenit said, visibly impressed.

Minifrit favored her with a mysterious little smile. It is the rarest Blessing, but Lord Seiji is not the first Blessed with Wisdom I have encountered. It pays to be as familiar with them as possible, in case one turns up, particularly if you are in a business which places a premium on discretion.

Soooo, Gilder said pointedly, shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking on his heels. Obviously we havent told nobody and arent gonna, so just between us here How fucked are we, exactly? Cos it sure does look like Sakin was double-dealing with Just, fuckin, everybody.

Mm. With great care, Minifrit closed the folder and tucked it under her arm. Maybe. But perhaps just the opposite.

Oh? Kasser was already clutching Harolds hand for comfort, and now gave it a squeeze even as he stared skeptically at her. Im eager to hear this.

Ive been wondering for the longest time why a trained agent of Sakins apparent ability was faffing around here of all places, Minifrit mused. With the Dark Lord, sure, that makes sense. But by all accounts, Lord Seiji was just dropped here by the Dark Goddess, to the surprise of absolutely everyone including himself. So why would an operative fit to serve the Dark Lord be embedded in a bandit gang on the ass end of the worst island in the worst kingdom in the archipelago? That Rocco character sounds like a big nothing of a man, and North Watch itself was of interest only to historians before Lord Seiji arrived. This, she held up the folder, finally provides an explanation.

Gilder groaned. Dont do the suspense thing, cmon. Its too late for that, everybodys tired.

And we all get enough of it from Lord Seiji, Aenit added.

Minifrit smirked, but at least she continued. The connections suggested by these documents all point northward. Lancor should by all accounts be the more profitable and significant source of contacts for anyone in a Sanorite kingdom, and yet the only suggested links Sakin had were to their crime syndicate. Obviously, I am extrapolating; we cant know what information he was trading with whom, because a skilled agent would immediately destroy all of that. The only documents he would keep would be those he might need to use, such as these. But even so, such a collection would be a riskand the amount represented by these letters of credit is far beyond what any simple spy could possibly require. It would be a lot harder to cash in these assets, but on paper, Sakin was wealthier than any highborn on Dount.

Kasser whistled in spite of himself.

Then you see where I am going, she said, nodding at him.

Uh No, that was just at the money. Come on, Minifrit, youre not dealing with sophisticated people here. Spell it out for the kids and the dummies, please.

Its a chain of connections on an international scale, she said, granting him a smile. This looks to me like possibly the major link between the Savindar Empire and their erstwhile colony in Shylverrael. A secretive and circuitous one, but with Dount in Sanorite hands, the landbridge to Savindar destroyed and Godspire occupying the only link between them, it would have to be. Which means, Sakin was apparently, specifically, a Viryan agent. And if thats the case, he may have already notified the Viryan powers that the Dark Lord is here. Thus, far from being fucked, we may have help coming.

There was silence in the room for a moment as they all digested that.

Of course, its just a theory, Minifrit added seriously. Its also possible that Im drawing false conclusions just from the documents that he happened not to have destroyed yet, and he was selling us out to everybody willing to buy. In which case, yes, were entirely fucked. Either way, children, none of this is to leave this room under any circumstances. We will inform Lord Seiji as soon as he returns.

Whewyeah, Kasser said slowly. Im surprised to hear myself say this, but I really hope Lord Seiji gets back soon.

Hey, hes just cleaning up the goblins, Gilder said airily. How hard can it be?

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