Only Villains Do That

2.13 In Which the Dark Lord Learns About Unintended Consequences

Oh, shit, I commented upon seeing the line of stalled merchant caravans blocking the major highway into Gwyllthean. It was still early in the morning, but from this distance it already looked to be close to a kilometer long.

Yeah, and thats only the khoras fronds, said Nazralind, patting me on the shoulder. What you stirred up last night is going to Well. Just remember, whatever their consequences, some mistakes are understandable. I had to learn this one the hard way, myself.

I tried to give her a piercing look, and quickly had to turn my head the other way to suppress a smirk.

Nazralind was dressed this morning in a ragged lowborn longcoat, with correspondingly battered-looking trousers, shirt, and boots, all a size too large for her and padded underneath. Also, I suspected, armored, though I hadnt asked. It didnt seem polite. She had also bound her chest down, but what kept making my lips twitch was the work done above the collarbones. The elf had obscured her alabaster complexion with actual makeup, the results a lot better than Twigss desultory efforts to smear herself with dirt. Her skin was now a lowborn brown, and it definitely didnt look quite right up close, but the slight discolorations here and there could be taken for dirt on Dountol skin, which was believable with the rest of her shabby disguise.

The best part was the shaggy black wig and fake beard. That plus a big, scraggly, wide-brimmed hat concealed her ears, but the beard was definitely my favorite part. This wouldnt win any Hollywood costuming awards, but I supposed it was serviceable so long as nobody examined her too intimately. Nothing could be done about her black eyeslowborn usually had pale irises in a variety of colors not seen on Earthbut she kept the brim of her hat pulled low and her face angled toward the ground. From a distance at least, Highlady Nazralind had successfully transformed herself to an impoverished man with a much heavier frame and a permanent hunch.

Obviously, all of the ladies in Nazs little revolutionary squad were wanted fugitives. Wanted for various crimes, yes, but far more urgently wanted by their families back behind fortress walls, properly behaved and not embarrassing their Clans. They couldnt show their faces near civilization, so theyd apparently mastered the art of putting on different faces.

For a given value of mastered, anyway.

From the river, we approached the main road cross-country at first, passing through a few just-harvested fields until we reached a small trail between them that eventually took us to the main road. It probably would have been simple enough to slip into the Gutters from any direction, since Gwylltheans actual defenses didnt start until most of the way into its urban area, but Nazralinds ladies had been out scouting since before I even woke up, and based on what they said was happening in there today, we judged it best to try the open approach. Under the circumstances, people trying to sneak into the city ran the risk of being shot on sight. I, at least, had a good chance of getting in so long as I brazenly walked in. Even if I was accompanied by such a scruffy-looking character.

The ladies had outfitted me in their fanciest costume, a noblemans ensemble in beige cream with a light blue coat trimmed in silver, which did not suit me at all but at least looked rich enough to command some respect. It was a little tight on me, but it would do; rather than complaining I was pleased that they were experienced enough in subterfuge to just keep costumes on hand. That was going to come in useful. Nazralind was carrying her bow and quivermost of her followers appeared to have taken up archery, to judge by the arms they carriedand while a nobleman being accompanied by a huntsman might be a bit uncommon, it was less so than my Asian face and at least told a story that would make sense to anyone we met.

We turned onto the highway and made our way toward the city, passing another caravan as it was forced to stop by the queue. There was a great deal of grumbling and cursing, some directed at the two of us as we strode right passed the parked wagons. This morning it was just Nazralind and me, and only this much because after my experiences yesterday I had been easily talked into not trying to do things alone. Once more I was without Biribo, having sent him to find and discreetly update Aster first thing this morning.

Id have hoped he would have the initiative to do so alone while I slept, but apparently it was fundamentally uncomfortable for familiars to be separated from their masters. Biribo had grudgingly acknowledged that Gwyllthean from our current position was about as far as he could safely travel from me, and carrying a quick message shouldnt take too long. He hadnt returned yet, which meant hed have to wait for an opening, now that we were in public. I had faith in his abilities, though, and at least now Aster wasnt left twisting in the wind.

Good luck to you, said the sweaty-faced merchant in charge of the foremost caravan as we passed him, directing a scowl at the military blockade closing off the highway right at the citys outskirts. These oafs are completely impervious to reason!

Yeah, talk like thatll get you in much faster, rejoined the guard who appeared to be in charge before turning to me. Sorry He took in my foreign features, scruffy companion, rich clothing and rapier and chose to err on the side of caution. my lord, traffic in and out of the citys closed until further notice. Major security situation.

Yes, I should say so, I replied pleasantly. Thats what Im here about. I need to speak with Captain Norovena immediately.

Captain who? he asked in open irritation. Look, Im sorry, my lord, but I have my orders. Nobody in, nobody out, I was told no exceptions.

Well, youre already having more luck than I have, mlord, drawled the merchant. Got more of a semblance of courtesy out of them, at any rate. What say we stab the blighter? Its about all Ive not yet tried.

If I thought youd ever stabbed anything meaner than a sausage in your life your fat head would already be flying upwind, the guard retorted at him, laying a hand on his sword. All of you, back up.

I sized him up, considering my options. The local Kingsguard were eminently bribeable, and also a lot of them knew me as a source of bribes and friend of Captain Norovena, which greatly contributed to my freedom of movement in the city. These were not Kingsguard, though. Not only had I not seen these individuals before, their uniforms were different: they wore armor of green akornin which had the iridescent quality of polished raw shell that hadnt been painted, and also was cut in bigger plates which still held the shapes of its animal origins rather than the overlapping scales of the Kingsguard uniforms. They also had on tabards over that, green fabric with a convoluted-looking sigil in black over a white outline. My Blessing of Wisdom didnt enable me to read the symbol, so it wasnt a word. Unfortunately, my standard strategy for guards wasnt going to work here; if these guys could be bribed, the well-dressed merchant would already be inside.

Lord Seiji! Pounding boots distracted me from my inner debate over how to get past this without causing more trouble than I needed; I looked up to behold a soldier in the more familiar Kingsguard uniform, approaching down the road with one arm waving overhead. To my chagrin I didnt remember this fellows name, but he clearly remembered me. Its all right, thats Lord Seiji, the Captain wants to see him. Let him through.

The guards in green frowned uncertainly, their spokesman half-turning to address the new arrival without taking us completely out of his field of view. My orders were

Fuck your orders and your grandma, you shroom-picking oaf, the Kingsguard roared, actually drawing his sword and causing all the men in green to back up from this burst of unexpected aggression. Lord Seijis toe corns have been more use to this operation than the goblin-fucking lot of you! Get outta the way or its your ass!

Whatever. Not my responsibility, the guard muttered, dutifully backing away. Hang on

Hes with me, I interrupted as he started to reach for Nazralind, who had immediately followed me through the gap. The guard looked at me, at the scowling Kingsguard still brandishing a sword, and shut his mouth.

Thanks for the assistance, I said.

No worries, mlord, Im right glad to see you hale. Some of the Gutter-grubbers weve been rounding up were claiming you got gorked. Figured they were full of it, but its still a relief. Sorry about the holdup back there. Sheathing his sword finally, he directed a last filthy look at the blockade before turning to accompany us up the road at a fast walk. Its a right mess today, Lord Seiji. The Archlord called in the Clansguards to support us in rounding up Grays gangs. Sounds good on paper, but on the ground it means we spend half our time trying to keep these countryside shitkickers in order. Not a one of em knows which end of a sword to stab with and which to jam up his arse.

My own observation so far was that the mobilized Clansguard differed from the Kingsguard chiefly in that they followed their orders and didnt take bribes, but I saw no need to share that insight with him.

The soldier gave Nazralind a curious look, but apparently my say-so was sufficient authorization in his mind, so he forbore comment. Captain Norovena left orders he wants to see you as soon as you turned up again, mlord. Hes straight up this road here, been running the mission out of the south gatehouse. Awfully sorry not to provide an escort, Lord Seiji, but each of us is doing six mens work and I gotta get back to mine or itll be my bum with a boot up it. Youll have no more trouble if you stick to the main road, though, in this quadrant all the Clansguard recruits are manning barricades on the outskirts where they belong, and our own lads should know you. Id not stray into the Gutters proper until the Captain can set you up with a solid escort, mlord, weve not tied down all the bastards yet by far.

Thanks for the tip, I said, flipping him a gold disc. Ill stay out of trouble. Youd best do the same; dont let me be the reason you get an earful.

Right you are, mlord! He gave me a grin and a salute, then turned to dash off down a side street, presumably to rejoin his squad.

Youre on right good terms with the guards, me lord, Nazralind commented as soon as we were alone.

I had to stop and give her a long look before resuming my stride up the street. Apparently she was too committed to break character as long as the disguise was on. Which was how I learned that Nazralinds impression of a gruff lowborn huntsman sounded exactly like a young woman putting on an imitation of a gruff huntsman. Or at absolute best, a boy too young to have a beard like that. Well, at least the beard wasnt crooked and she seemed intelligent enough not to talk unnecessarily.

I bribe them, I explained tersely as we walked. A lot. And Ive made friends with the local Kingsguard captain. By bribing him, a lot. Law enforcement in this city is a disgrace and the first thing Ill be replacing when Im in charge, but in the meantime it makes more sense to spend coin to have them help me than spilling blood and adding to my problems.

Wouldntve been my approach, she grunted, but fell silent. It was a little hard to tell under the disguise but I thought her frown looked more contemplative than disapproving, so I decided not to pointedly ask which of us was succeeding in his rebel movement and which had just gotten chased out of hers.

What in the hell are they doing? I demanded, mostly rhetorically, now that I was in a position to get a good look at what was happening in the Gutters today.

The main highway looked downright eerie with no traffic at this time of morning, but the area was far from silent. Though the sounds of shouts, crashing, and screams were relatively distant, they came from all directions. Down every side street we passed I could see the aftermath of destruction. Shattered windows, doors off their hinges, belongings smashed and strewn across the pavement, and most chillingly of all, no sign of the residents; every person who lived and work around here and hadnt been rounded up was obviously hiding in what remained of their property. The omnipresent food and vendor stalls lining the highway itself were more often broken than not, several of them appearing to have been torched.

They were made of akorshil, which didnt fucking burn. The ashes and scorch marks I saw meant someone had gone well out of their way to be destructive, toward no purpose that I could see.

Whatever was going on had apparently made its way a good distance from the main road on the outskirts, but the sounds drew closer the farther in we proceeded, and within a few minutes we got our first live glimpse of the ongoing purge of Lady Grays assets. Or, in this case, what appeared to be a bakery. Men in Kingsguard uniformsincluding a couple I recognized as affable fellows who were always good for town gossipwere in the process of hurling fresh bread into the street. As I slowed to watch, one punched the shop owner whod been pleading with them, sending the man tumbling to the ground and prompting a womans scream from inside the store.

Dont. Nazralind caught my arm before I realized Id started down that street. Youll only make it worse.

I shrugged her off. Why the fuck are they beating up bakers?! Theyre supposed to be

This is what I meant, she said urgently, her voice low but her normal one and not her awkward Batman impression. Light a fire under the highborn and its the low who get burned. The ability to deflect consequences to others is the essence of power. Ive gotta say I never kicked off a mess on quite this scale, but only because I stayed away from the city. This was more or less the exact consequence of my first efforts to fight back. In one little village after anotherthis.

I dont I cant even tell what theyre trying to accomplish. This is just pointless carnage!

Lets go. Its done, Lord Seiji, now we have to be smart and not exacerbate this. She shook her head, gently but firmly nudging me forward up the street. This is exactly what I expected to see, knowing my uncle. You have to think about highborn and what matters to them; think about how exactly you maneuvered them into cracking down on Lady Gray. They never cared that she was a powerful criminal. You made them think she was fighting against the social order that keeps them on top, remember? So getting rid of the powerful criminal was only part of the goal. With that done, they have to reinforce the social order. Uncle Caludon doesnt care about lowborn preying on each other, he cares about lowborn forgetting their place.

I fell silent, because nothing that came out of my mouth right then would have been constructive. I just walked, listening to the sounds of breaking windows, of screams, of guards truncheons beating down doors and impacting flesh. The sound of a city being beaten for the crime ofpossibly, theoretically, being inclined to get uppity at some hypothetical point in the future.

Which I had set off in order to strike at my enemy, because I was just so very clever.

My god, I might as well have burned down the Gutters entirely to smoke her out. Oh, wait, an Ephemeral city wouldnt burn. Maybe I shouldve looked up the recipe for Greek fire back when I had internet access. Just cut out the middleman next time and commit my own crimes against humanity in person.

Nazralind kept quiet while I walked and stewed in self-recrimination. If shed been down this road herself, she likely knew what words would help, which was none of them. So we walked, lengthening our strides to get this over with quickly, hearing the chaos growing ever closer the farther in we went.

Fortunately I didnt have to go all the way to the gatehouse to find a proper distraction. A little more than halfway up we met none other than Captain Norovena himself, striding out of a side alley in the company of three soldiers, an obvious bureaucrat scribbling on a clipboard with a pencil, and a priest in the white, crimson, and gold robes of the Radiant Convocation. Norovena was wearing a heavy scowl and resting one hand menacingly on the pommel of his sword, but his expression cleared upon spotting me.

Lord Seiji! He changed course so fast only his soldiers kept up, the two tagalongs getting left behind in their confusion. Goddesss grace, Im relieved to see you! Half the gangsters weve rounded up are claiming they saw you die with their own eyes.

Some of em had a go at it, but it didnt take, I said. He held out one hand, and I hope he didnt note my momentary hesitation in clasping it. This was the man overseeing the brutalizing of the citys lowborn populace happening right now, at my instigation. I was already in too deep to get squeamish. They did succeed in chasing me out of the Gutters, though. I couldnt get a clear path back to the walls, so I had to lie low overnight in the fields. Thanks to my friend here it went pretty smoothly, but I decided not to risk going back through the city until I could see your soldiers had it under control.

A solid plan, my lord. He did a small double-take after looking at Nazralind; an experienced city guard seeing her disguise up close could undoubtedly recognize something amiss, whether or not he could discern exactly what. My endorsement continued to prove a sufficient passport, however, and he let it go without peering too closely. I regret the rough night you must have passed. Rest assured well get you a proper break once safely back inside the walls. Im afraid your bodyguard has been beside herself.

I bit back a litany of complaints about what was happening. I wanted to grab him by the collar and shake him until some basic human decency fell out, but what would be the point? If there was any still in there to be jarred loose, his men would club me to the ground well before I found it.

And it wasnt as if I had any right to throw stones.

Howd it go in my absence? I asked. Did you get her?

Norovena grimaced, shaking his head. He gestured as he turned to stride back up the street toward the gates and I fell into step alongside him, Nazralind sticking to my other shoulder.

Of course we bloody well didnt. Oh, dont mistake me, I cant call the operation anything but a rousing success! Thanks to our plan, and the intel we received, weve got the vast majority of Grays people in custody or dead in the street where we found them. Huge swaths of her assets seized and her organizational capacityfor all intents and purposes, gone. But Gray herselfno.

Typical, I muttered. Ive just about lost patience with that fucking cockroach of a woman.

Thats about what we expected, going in, said Norovena. Shes a powerful Blessed with powerful artifacts, and vast familiarity with the terrain. The point was always to strip her of her organization. With no network and no assets, shes just another rogue Blessed. The Kings Guild will finish her off sooner or later. Our job here is done, and with all due modesty, weve done a damn fine job, Lord Seiji.

They were smashing stores and beating civilians. Over a perceived threat to the racial hierarchy. Thanks to me. I had kicked off a fucking ethnic cleansing here, and now this guy wanted me to feel as self-satisfied as he clearly was. The guilt was a lump of ice taking up my entire gut, and trying to rise up my throat. I swallowed it back down, clinging to my outward equanimity.

Performance mode. Nazralind was right, I couldnt do any good by complaining about this. Had to play along for now. I could do that, I was Omura fucking Seiji, performing was my entire identity.

It was a lot harder than usual, today.

On the other hand, with nothing left to protect, she may go on the offensive. I could see her throwing everything away for revenge against the people responsible for this. Which, need I remind you, is the two of us and Master Auldmaer.

Possible, but I doubt it. Shes always been self-controlled and profit motivated. The better move in her current position is to flee Dount and try to restart operations elsewhere. Even with that famous dagger of hers, being the top of the Gwyllthean Kings Guilds kill list is going to hamper her ability to do anything on Dount. And Lady Gray, as weve discussed, is no fool.

He was wrong, and I had seen the proof. Lady Gray could have fled the city as soon as she realized what we were up to last night, but shed stayed and hurled everything she had at me, showing up in person to make sure the job got done. She was what, fifty? Her lifes work was in ruins and starting from scratch would barely be a prospect. No, shed come for revenge; it was all she had left. The problem was, I wasnt sure how much Norovena knew about the scope of my powers or what had happened last night, which meant it could be a fatal mistake to just blurt it out. How to convince him without revealing Id tangled with her personally, twice? That was Dark Lord-caliber shit, not something Lord Seiji should be able to boast of.

The really unfortunate news is we havent found her headquarters. Oh, various counting houses and armories and the like, mostly locations we already knew of, but nothing that looks like Grays personal hideout. That wasnt among the details we got from your informant, Lord Seiji. Fine work sending him along, by the way, thats twice over your maneuvering cinched the operation for us. But she does still have a hole to go to ground in, along with whatever resources shed kept hidden away there. That, in my judgment, will work against her. Those assets are all she has left in the world, and she wont abandon them. Trying to smuggle them out of town will hamper her ability to move. Thats how well get her.

My informant? Oh, did Lamm actually

I realized I was talking to the air. Norovena had suddenly turned and dashed down a side street, this time so abruptly that even his soldier escort were left confused for a moment. But they followed, as did the rest of us.

As soon as we saw what he was going for, I drew my rapier and Nazralind nocked an arrow to her bow, but Norovena got there before we did.

Three Kingsguard had seized two women in front of an akorshil carvers shop, right out in the street in broad daylight; two were holding back a screaming and struggling middle-aged matron while the third pressed the younger woman against the wall, fumbling with the back of her dress.

The captain was on them so fast they didnt see him coming, yanking the soldier off the girl and then smashing his face against the wall. Then doing the same twice more before hurling him to the ground. Both the other guards released their captive in shock, stepping back, and the freed girl fled into the womans arms, sobbing. Then the rest of us finally arrived.

Membership in the Kingsguard carries certain privileges, Norovena stated in a tightly wound tone, looming over the fallen soldier with his sword out. The man wasnt unconscious despite the beating hed just received, no doubt thanks to his helmet, which was now visibly cracked. He stared up at his captain in wide-eyed apprehension, the tip of Norovenas sword centimeters from his face. Certain liberties which are understood to be part of the job. Men who have a future appreciate that, and recognize when to stop. But there are always a few who just cant help themselves, who always have to step across the line. And then I end up down a soldier, because some of those lines are immovable. Haul this idiot back to the barracks and put him in a cell, he ordered the men whod been escorting him. I will finish dealing with him when I have time.

Wait, Captain, the guard stammered, trying to scramble upright in a panic. I was just

One of Norovenas escort kicked him in the head, sending him back down, and then he and his companion grabbed the man by both arms and yanked him upright. Clearly these two were loyal to the captain; they frog-marched the offender away without an instants hesitation, nor any sign of sympathy on their grim faces.

You two, Norovena said in a tone of ice, turning to the pair of accomplices, who shied back from his expression. Amvadi and Lassindh. Black list. You put one toe out of line during the next year, so much as a failure to muster or one citizen complaint, and its the gallows for the both of you. Now get back to work.

Sir! Both men saluted, then turned and fled down the street.

The captain turned his back on the two women without another word; they took this as license to flee as well, and scurried inside the shop. I had to inhale and exhale slowly twice to repress the variety of things I wanted to say about this incident. Nazralinds expression was fortunately obscured by her beard and hat. A least she put the arrow back in her quiver and said nothing.

Like as not those two will desert the moment things cool down around here, Norovena grunted, stalking back toward the main road with the stiff demeanor of an offended cat. If theyre caught, they hang; if not, they become someone elses problem. And unfortunately, thats the best outcome I can hope for. You see my fundamental problem, Lord Seiji, and the reason Ive got soldiers out breaking in doors instead of executing an actually useful search grid.The precious handful of men Ive got whore both trustworthy and competent are fully occupied keeping the rest under some semblance of control, and thats not even counting the administrative nightmare its been organizing the Clansguards who have oh so helpfully rallied to Clan Aelthwyns banner. You came in from the south highway, my lord? Then youll have seen Clan Algumonds men in action. I expect I neednt explain any further.

I didnt reply, my mind already elsewhere. Thisdidnt hold up. Norovena had to know what would happen when he unleashed his men on the Gutters with orders that amounted to beat any spark of defiance out of whoever you see. Scenes like the one hed just angrily broken up were beyond doubt happening all over the city at that very moment. He was far too intelligent a man not to understand that. Also, he was corrupt to begin with, hardly a shining beacon of professionalism. The first time wed met, he had been awfully blas about this exact thing happening to Yoshis friends in his own jail, until I bribed him to put a stop to it.

So What was that display about? Was he putting on a performance for my benefit? Did my opinion matter that much to him? Or maybe it was for the guy with the clipboard and the priest still trailing along with us, who hadnt said a word since Id joined him but silently watched everything. There were obviously political undercurrents here I didnt begin to understand. A wrong move from me could very well ignite

Well, not worse than Id already caused, surely. But that didnt mean I could afford to get careless.

Clan Algumonds three brown-hairs with a country manor, me lord, Nazralind said unexpectedly in her unconvincing lowborn rasp. Them what we met on the roads the entire Algumond Clansguard, like as not. Must be a real trial fer the Capn here ta keep all them diffrent troops facin the same direction, aye aye.

Again, the entire group stopped as everyone turned to stare at her. Only through a supreme act of will did I not clap both hands over my face. Id assumed she understood that the point of an disguise is not to draw attention, but suddenly it felt more like I was working with an excitable theater kid who didnt know when to shut up.

Captain Norovena peered closely at Nazralinds half-covered face, then glanced at me. I could literally see him decide that whatever the hell was going on here, he had too much on his plate already to fool with it. Saying not a word, he resumed course, the rest of us falling in alongside.

Im acquainted with the general caliber of your men, Captain, I said after gathering my thoughts for a moment. Its always impressed me you get as much use out of that lot as you do. To be honest, Im a little surprised they were all that successful against Lady Grays gangs.

Oh, dont give them too much credit, he said bitterly. The Kings Guild mustered every available hand at the crack of dawn; they formed the first strike teams that hit the major gangs. The Kingsguard are cleaning up the remnants, which is more our speed. In any case, Lord Seiji, you can rest assured the bulk of the work has been done. Well let you relax soon, I promiseyouve earned itbut if I could prevail upon you for just a bit longer, theres something else wed like your help with. Operations have been this successful in no small part because this Lamm character dished every detail on the current disposition of Grays forces. By and large, his intel appears to have been accurate. He said youd vouch for him.

Ah, that I do. Lamm was extremely helpful to me last night. Not out of the goodness of his little heart, of course; I promised Id put in a good word if he threw in with us.

Well, between the help and your word, Im inclined to be positively disposed toward him. But obviously he is in custody right now, and some of my superiors will be less than understanding about giving a reprieve to a career criminal, no matter how useful he was at the last moment.

Ah. Hence needing my help.

You do have a gift forcircumventing obstructive bureaucracy, my lord. Norovena shot a flat look at Mr. Clipboard, who tightened his mouth but just scribbled a note and continued to say nothing. Todays work being as important as it is, I would like to see it done as well as we can manage with the resources available to us. I hope you dont think me presumptuous for counting you among them.

Not at all, Captain, Im flattered. Rest assured, Im with you. I helped start this, after all; I cant very well leave it half-done.

The Kingsguard, as always, appreciates your civic-mindedness, Lord Seiji.

We proceeded up the road to the gates, while behind us the Gutters screamed as the Kingsguard rampaged through them, punishing the innocent just for being there.

I didnt look back. I had to keep my image up. But I listened. Those sounds were going to ring in my head for a long time.

I could only think it was the least of what I deserved.

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