Only Villains Do That

1.41 In Which the Dark Lord Pokes the Bear

Good morning, ladies!

Though it was early for breakfast, still before dawn, everyone had gathered in the mess hall and they all looked a lot more chipper than upon arrival, which was really saying something for a bunch of people who had until very recently been nocturnal. Taking an all-day hike from midnight to noon and then sleeping off the resulting exhaustion will do wonders to reset your diurnal rhythm, I guess.

For the first time, my followers occupied more than one table, though I was still sitting among them rather than positioned at the head. Some had to twist around to look at me as I parked between Aster and Kastrin. We were all close enough together that I didnt have to project, though for the first time it occurred to me that the bigger this gang got, the less egalitarian it would have to be. Once there were enough people in this hall to fill it even halfway, I might have to re-institute the high table up on the dais just to make myself heard and seen when I needed to address them all.

Howre we all settling in? I know it hasnt been the easiest couple of days. We should have plenty of supplies for now, but if you come up with any needs we havent considered, let me know and Ill see to it.

Gotta say, I feel better about this than last night, Jadrin commented, then paused, frowning. Ornight before last, I guess. Fuck, no kidding its been a weird couple days. But seriously, you have a castle.

Yeah, Ill admit I was expecting like a camp in the khora or something, Adelly agreed. But holy shit, its an actual castle! Guess this Dark Lord thing is serious, after all.

North Watch is really more of a fortress, said Sicellit. An outpost, basically. And, no offense, Lord Seiji, but its kind of a wreck.

Its as impressive a keep as some of the Clans have, Kastrin retorted defensively.

And you shouldve seen it when I moved in, I added. No offense taken, Sicellit, getting this place back in shape is an ongoing project.

Oh, I guess I know what well be doing, muttered Iredi.

I do expect every able pair of hands to help, I replied, but that particular goal is over the long term, and we have more important things to focus on right now. I promised you girls the chance to strike back at our mutual oppressors; to do that, youre going to need training. Thats job one, and what well focus on starting today. I really wanted to be here to supervise and be available during these first few days, I added with a frown I didnt have to feign, but none of this has gone quite according to my plans. Now I have to immediately go back to Gwyllthean to do some damage control and set the next stages in motion. I thought Id arranged it carefully, but it turns out I underestimated Lady Gray.

Yeah, people do that, said Jadrin. Thats a big part of why shes the top dog in the Gutters.

My mistake, I acknowledged. Everyone slips up, but I dont mean to make the same mistake twice. Speaking of, Jadrin and Jakkin, what do you think will be her next move?

Oh, she is gonna be pissed, Jadrin said with a blend of relish and amusement that reminded me of Gilder.

Shes gonna try to deal with you herself, uh, my lord, Jakkin said, his expression far more concerned. Thats what she does withwell, cases like that. Lady Gray sends her crews out to handle most things, but when it comes to Blessed making a move on her, shes gotta come out and remind everybody why shes in charge. Whenever a dangerous enough adventurer starts trying to cut into her business, shes always taken em down herself.

So Lady Gray is Blessed, I said, frowning.

With Might, said Jadrin around a mouthful of soup. Shes got this dagger that makes her invisible when its out of the sheath.

Fuck. A perfect assassins weapon. That was going to be a nightmare to fight.

Biribo? I turned to my familiar, who was hovering in his usual place over my shoulder.

Thats a powerful artifact, he said. Ive seen a few with similar abilities. Thats actually not the biggest thing to worry about, boss. If a Blessed has the skills, wealth or influence to possess something like that, and a Blessing strong enough to wield its full powers, theyve probably got more than one. Lots of artifacts are small and easily concealed, and this Lady Gray strikes me as the type to keep some of her advantages hidden.

Hm. Do you know of any other artifacts she has?

Jakkin shrugged helplessly.

Not that Ive seen, but lizards right, Jadrin grunted. Lady Grays cagey.

So, she could have another really powerful one, say, Biribo continued, or three or four much less powerful artifacts to make up the difference. Thats the real problem when fighting Blessed, boss. Artifacts and even some spells are so individual it can be hard to know what youre up against. Its really not smart to go in blind.

True enough, to judge by the success Id had just from casting combined spells nobody had seen before.

Well, Ill do what I can, I murmured. I may not know exactly what Im dealing with, but neither does she. Does she have any other Blessed working for her?

A few here and there, but nobody impressive, said Jakkin.

Yeah, I think she doesnt want potential competition in her own organization, Jadrin added. I wouldnt, either, if I was her.

All right, thanks for the tipI know now what gaps in my intel need filling in. But thats a problem for another day. For today, I am sorry to leave you ladies so soon, but it cant be helped. Ill be back as soon as I can. In the meantime, Miss Minifrit is going to help get everything organized; I know youre all accustomed to following her lead. Sakin will take point on establishing a training routine. I pointed my spoon at him, and he waved, grinning hugely. Adelly, Jadrin, Id like you two to step up and teach the others what you know about fighting. Sakin, work with them a bit first, then all three of you gauge everyones current abilities and potential, figure out who needs to learn what and how close we are. Overall, until I get back, Kassers in charge.

Kasser the newly deputized jumped so violently he almost spilled his soup, looking up at me in wide-eyed surprise. I gave him what I hoped was an encouraging smile.

The fact was, with Aster coming with me and Goose leaving, I had nobody else in the acceptable range on what I had mentally labeled the Donon-Sakin Axis, whose endpoints were loyal to me and competent. Kasser wasthe least terrible choice, in my judgment. At least since our visit to the Spirit, after which hed started slowly warming up to me. And with the gang having quadrupled in size overnight, with the new arrivals completely unfamiliar with the old, I could no longer do the same laissez-faire absentee leadership that had been working up till now. There needed to be an actual chain of command.

And I needed to keep people busy enough that they didnt have the opportunity to sit around and wonder if theyd made the wrong choice, throwing in with me. Id already asked Sakin and Minifrit both to watch out for troublemakers, and told Harold and Kasser to start drawing up plans and get me a materials list to both repair the fortress gates and install Biribos suggested door across the goblin tunnel. North Watch was currently about as secure as a food cart. I wanted to fix that before I had reason to regret it, not after.

It was Kasser himself who came to see us off at the castlefortress, whatevergates. Hed been watching me with visibly gathering tension throughout breakfast and during the few minutes it took Aster, Goose, Twigs, and I to put ourselves together to set out, so I really wasnt surprised when he burst out just outside the gates, Lord Seiji!

Kasser, youll do fine, I assured him. I know it was sudden, but I have faith in you.

By which I meant I was tentatively willing to hope I wouldnt come back to find the place burned down, but there was no need to say that right to his face.

Its not that, he said, shaking his head. I mean, I wouldnt have hated a bit of forewarning, but Im getting used to your dramatic timing. But, no, its just

He trailed off, looking strangely conflicted, and half-turned to look back into the courtyard, where Sakin was marshaling the troops and having them square off with sticks of sanded akorshil. Kasser dry-washed his hands against his shirt, clearly nervous.

They took my sister, he said suddenly, turning back to me.

Uhwho did?

There are judges who do it practically for a living, he said, face twisting in remembered bitterness. Some soldiers just showed up at our house one day with papers, saying she owed a debt It was all bullshit, of course, but theres no point arguing with the Kingsguard. I dont even know when, but the judge mustve passed through our village at some point, saw how pretty she was, figured out who she was, and He paused, swallowing painfully. My parents never gave up. Took dad six years just to find out where theyd taken her. She was sold to a brothel in the middle ring andand by the time he tracked her that far, turned out shed died two years ago. Nobody would ever tell him how.

Im sorry, I said quietly. It wasnt nearly enough for something like that, butdamn. What else can you say?

Youre doing a good thing here, Lord Seiji, Kasser said, staring intently at me now. Thank you for this.

Awkward.

Im the fuckin Dark Lord, I replied, irritated and not completely sure why. I was sent here to conquer and bring chaos. Its not my fault this country is such a goddamn shambles the most destructive thing I can unleash on it is basic human decency.

Ill keep everything in order here, Lord Seiji, he said, nodding once. Have a safe trip.

Good man. I know I can count on you. I sure hoped I could; itd be nice if it turned out to be true. I could really use some middle management, since I was planning to grow this organization by a considerable amount in the immediate future.

With that for a farewell, the four of us (five, counting Biribo) set out at as brisk a pace as we safely could on the broken and overgrown old road. This was normally a fairly idyllic stroll, as I usually preferred to pace myself on the long hike to Gwyllthean, but after two months of constantly doing this my body was a lot sturdier, and today in particular I was in a hurry.

We made good enough time that it was just a couple of hours till the next round of goodbyes, as we reached the first branching path where our routes diverged.

I know I probably dont need to tell you two to be careful, but Im saying it anyway, I stated.

Well look after each other, Lord Seiji, Goose promised with a smile.

The harvest festival in two weeks is when shits going down, I said. I know youve gotta get all the way across the island, find this gang and get a meeting with them without getting stabbed. I want you to be cautious above all else and prioritize your well being, even if that means it takes longer. But if it ends up being possible, it would help a lot if you can be back here with these reinforcements by then. Thats looking like the first time Ill be taking multiple combatants into whats sure to be an actual brawl, and more people with real combat experience would be a huge help.

That wont take two weeks, said Twigs. Its negotiations that I expect to stall things, Lord Seiji. If even half of my hunches are right, not to mention Maugros intelligence, these people are on what they think is a righteous crusade and will be loath to give it up just because theyre losing and doomed. I can change their minds; they wouldnt have made it this long if they were too obsessed to see reason. It may take time, though.

And we might also get lucky, Goose added with a grin. Maybe theyll be desperate to get outta there and pack it up to join us as soon as we arrive.

Ganbatte, I said. Watch your backs.

Aster and I pressed on at our harsher pace, leaving Goose and Twigs to make what was surely a more leisurely way through the back paths. We didnt talk for a while, but by that point we were comfortable enough with each others company that it wasnt awkward.

Our forced march, improved by judicious applications of Heal, meant we made it to Gwyllthean in record time. Having set out near dawn, we arrived during the tail end of the lunch hour, where we had a stroke of luck so perfect it felt like the universes apology for how badly that mess in Cat Alley had gone. Our quarry was right in the first place we started to look, entirely sparing us the need to hunt him down.

And so, I strode up to the table in the Kings Guild at which Rhydion the armored paladin was sitting with two companions, having lunch. They were having lunch, at least; he as usual had his face fully covered by his helmet visor. I was starting to wonder if it even opened at all.

Why do you always have that thing on indoors? I asked, seating myself without waiting for an invitation. And during a meal, no less. Youre a famous guy; you cant possibly be ugly enough under there to make this necessary.

Excuse me, the woman sitting across from me indignantly exclaimed.

Lord Seiji, Rhydion said in a far more neutral (if slightly echoing) tone. Welcome. I hope you are well? It seems unlike you to seek me out.

I went looking for that Healer character you mentioned, I said.

Oh? I wonder why you might need his help, given that you are yourself possessed of healing magic.

Are you kidding? What cant you do with somebody like that in your address book? I grinned humorlessly. Though just for starters, I was thinking if I could throw him at you, itd get you off my back.

How dare you, the woman hissed, starting to rise from her seat.

Its all right, Dhinell, Rhydion said, giving her a nod of his helmet before turning back to me. And did you find him?

Almost. Apparently I just missed him, but I tracked him down to Yrshith Street in the Gutters two days ago and found where hed been. Im sorry to say I have to retract my recommendation of taking that guy along on your mission. To judge by the mess he left behind, Healer may not be the most appropriate moniker.

Heard about that, grunted the other man at the table, who had not stopped chomping away at his large slab of rare meat the whole time. Apparently he murdered half the gangs in the area and made a whole mess of whores vanish. Settin people on fire, blasting down walls. Sounded like a better time than you can usually have in Cat Alley.

All of us, including Aster who was standing behind me, gave him long looks. He was lowborn, muscular in build, with a bushy mustache and two days worth of stubble, dressed in those overwrought clothes sold in the middle ring that were crafted to mimic the over-designed aesthetic of artifact armor. The bow strapped to his back had the telltale glow of an actual artifact, though none of his clothing did.

I see, Rhydion said after a moment. Then I thank you for the information, Lord Seiji. Does this mean you have reconsidered my offer?

Instead of answering that, I withdrew the two sheets of paper Id been keeping inside my coat, unfolded them, and handed them to him silently. He accepted the documents after a moments hesitation, and shifted his helmet to study the notices declaring Lady Grays seizure of Minifrits business and Minifrit herself.

I bought those from an extremely angry prostitute whod just lost her livelihood and home, I said. She was given them by the Healer, who it seems took them by force from the local gangsters who attempted to serve them without an actual judge or Kingsguard present. Everyone Ive checked with says they appear to be genuine, which means the judge whose signature that is either was the victim of forgery, or is so brazenly corrupt hes not afraid to leave a paper trail. Either way, someone should really check in on him, dont you think?

The mustachioed man grunted again, swallowing a bite of his steak which he appeared barely to have chewed, and that with his mouth open. Is that about the Alley Cat? Yeah, rumor round the Gutters is it was foreclosed by Lady Gray.

Peculiar that the woman implicated in this would sell you these documents, Rhydion said quietly, given the power they grant the holder. It would seem quite contrary to her interests to relinquish them under any circumstances.

Dammit, why couldnt this guy be a muscle-bound brute like the company he apparently liked to keep? Everything would be so much easier.

I assume because theyre illegal and unenforceable, I said, shrugging, which makes the question how she knew that. Considering the person on whose behalf they were executed, I guess that was a foregone conclusion.

Then it is good of you to take up this cause, Rhydion said gravely, extending the documents back toward me.

I didnt reach for them. What, me? Believe me, Id love to follow this through, but dont forget Im just a guest in this country. This business would set me against a judge, and apparently also a local crimelord. Too rich for my blood.

I see. He did not move his hand, just holding the documents toward me. Some undertone in his voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, though. And is there anything else you would like to tell me about this matter, Lord Seiji?

Hm. Perhaps this guy was even more intelligent than merely not stupid. I guess that would help, if you wanted to become a famous hero. Or I surely wasnt the only person around here with access to more sources of information than I should have. Best to hedge my bets and avoid outright falsehoods as much as I could; you never knew what someone might be able to fact-check.

Yes, I said, staring openly at his visor. Quite a bit that Id like to. But nothing else that I presently can. I have several peoples privacy to consider, not least my own.

Then I wish you well in rectifying this injustice, he said gravely, extending his arm slightly more to push the papers closer to me.

Rather than taking them, I stood up. Likewise, Im sure.

The steak man snorted a laugh. Wow, you werent kidding, Dhinell. This guys fuckin insufferable.

I frowned at him, then at the woman, who was glaring pure outrage at me. Actually, she did look sort of familiar.

Have we met before? I asked her. Apparently yes, to judge by how fast the outrage on her face magnified.

I explained to you the last time we met, Lord Seiji, Rhydion interjected calmly, I make it a point not to intercede in every worthy cause which comes along. A person must focus their efforts, in order for them to be at their most effective. If, perhaps, you were interested in joining my quest, it would make sense for us to combine our goals as well as our efforts?

Ah, ah, I chided, grinning insufferably and wagging a finger at him. Not because I thought that would improve my case, but it made Dhinell visibly want to lunge across the table at me, which was just good clean entertainment. I remember the conversation better than that. What you told me is that you deliberately blinker yourself to avoid learning about extraneous injustices, because once youre informed of them, you have the moral obligation not to let them stand. So willful blindness is the only way to avoid chasing every rabbit that crosses your path, right?

I finally reached out for the documents he was still holding toward me, but rather than taking them, lightly flicked the papers with a fingertip.

Well, consider yourself well and truly informed, Rhydion. Theres a judge of Dount in bed with the local crime syndicate. The legitimate authorities by definition wont help, and an outsider like me cant. But a famous and powerful hero of Fflyr Dlemathlys? I winked. Good hunting.

Why does this matter so much to you? Rhydion asked. For a man who seems to want to avoid entangling himself with me, you risk a great deal by putting yourself in my debt while also inviting me to investigate trails which have crossed your own. This seems like much more than you would do purely out of moral obligation.

Yeah, I was really not enjoying this guys perceptiveness. What could I tell him that wasnt an outright lie? Well, actually, now that I thought about it, there was a truth.

Someone I like, and respect, wascaught up in this, I said more seriously. Enough that Im not willing to let it lie, even if I cant do much myself.

Your favorite whore got sliced up? grunted mustache man, carving off another bite of steak. Hate when that happens.

Again, all of us turned stares of pure contempt on him, which he didnt seem to notice.

Sure, I said in a tone carrying the full weight of my disdain, lets go with that.

You should stick to brothels on the middle ring, he suggested, pointing a forkful of meat at me. You look like you can afford it, plus theyre cleaner and safer. Prettier girls, too.

I apologize if my companions rough manner offends you, Lord Seiji, Rhydion said. He is

I shook my head. And they asked him why he ate with prostitutes, lepers, and tax collectors; he told them, It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I get it. See you around, Rhydion.

I left the paladin holding the paper trail that would set him on a collision course with Lady Gray, turned, and walked out of the Kings Guild with Aster on my heels.

I know weve been over this and its too late now anyway, but it bears repeating, she muttered. You are playing with fire.

Yeah, well, its a relief to be only playing with metaphorical fire for once. Now step lively, my evil minion. Daylights burning, and weve got a lot more trouble to stir up today.

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