How To Survive as a Villain

Chapter 156: The Yearning Has Been Deeply Rooted In My Bones.¹

Xiao YuAn tried to smile, but his eyes stung and his mouth was bitter. As he pursed his lips, he took a breath, and said: “If… if there’s no news of me being alive before Yan-ge wakes up….”

“Physician Xiao?”

“If there’s no news of me being alive, then you have to write a letter for me. Yan-ge doesn’t recognize my handwriting, so you don’t have to worry about that issue. As for the content of the letter….” Xiao YuAn paused for a moment. The hand that was interlocked with Yan HeQing’s fingers clasped slightly, and his lips began to tremble: “You have to tell him with the letter that I’m gone, and that I don’t like him; that I was only willing to be with him because that way, I could enjoy the glory and the wealth without any worries. However, since my identity was exposed, I found that being by his side was not safe after all, so I chose to leave him. You also have to let him know that I’m asking him to not come find me. With this letter, you have to let him understand that he’s human after all. Tell him: ‘You said that you’ll search all over the world for me. Even if that means that you’ll have to dig three feet underground to get me.’ But, the world is so big, and there are so many paths, where is he going to dig those three feet to begin with?”

Chen Ge choked with sobs, almost unable to speak: “Physician Xiao, do you have to be like this? His Majesty… he… he…”

Xiao YuAn wiped his face, and continued: “You must write decisively, don’t leave him any trace that could make him have doubts. It’s best to show him my disgust and tell him that I won’t ever let him find me again. Let him walk his own path, I already have my own unique road. Tell him that without him around, I will definitely live a happier life than now. It’s been said since ancient times, that the Imperial Family is the most ruthless and heartless of all, and that I’ve been longing for a life of idle clouds and wild cranes². But his destiny is to be the Emperor. I just hope that I won’t have to get entangled with these things for the rest of my life. Chen Ge, please, make sure to write all these words for me in the letter, and tell him to forget about me.”

Chen Ge smashed his fist against the stone wall, hitting his hand so hard that it turned bright red. After this, he managed to calm down: “Physician Xiao, I…. I understand.”

Xiao YuAn nodded his head, cupped Yan HeQing’s face in his hands, and kissed his cold lips. After that kiss, tears fell down his cheeks, crossing over the corners of his mouth, and when he licked them with the tip of his tongue, he felt that they tasted bitter and astringent.

“I’m going now.” At the distance, they were able to hear the faint sound of horse hooves approaching, so Xiao YuAn didn’t dare to be slow. He hurriedly got up, and ran towards the entrance of the cave.

One step, two steps, three steps. Xiao YuAn’s footsteps were slow to fast, and fast to slow. Once he stood at the entrance of the cave and looked at the outside, he saw that in the twilight, the moon and stars were dim. Seeing how this frost light fell on the wilderness, Xiao YuAn took a step forward. As the cold wind blew by, he felt that this wind couldn’t blow away the loneliness and coldness he felt right now.

All of a sudden, Xiao YuAn wasn’t able to stop his tears. As if he could see the interminable yellow sand of that day, in which Yan HeQing had chased after him on horseback, only to say to him: “I won’t forget, I would definitely never forget.”

‘There are eight hardships in life³; you can’t avoid them, and you can’t stop them. But, why do I have to become Yan HeQing’s life hardships… why?’

Xiao YuAn wiped his eyes and suddenly turned around, running back to the cave. He then tightly grabbed Chen Ge’s shoulders, who was extremely shocked, and said: “Forget about everything I just said! When Yan-ge wakes up, you have to tell him that I, Xiao YuAn, likes him! I really love him! I don’t even know when this feeling began, but as long as I’m with him, I’m extremely happy. I want to stay by his side all the time, and whenever he goes, I’ll go as well. I’m not afraid of the ruthless Imperial Family, nor am I afraid that the deep Palace will feel like a cage. As long as he’s around, as long as he’s with me….”

The last few words have turned into choked sobs. After this, Xiao YuAn took advantage that Chen Ge hasn’t fully regained his senses, and turned around, rushing outside the cave.

It was like a drama filled with joys and sorrows. At the end, the guests left a lonely scene, but the actors on the stage kept playing their roles, and singing their stories. As the main actor waved his sleeves, he sings: “I was surprised to find that my feelings weren’t visible, but it was because my love was already deep rooted in my bones. I don’t even know where these feelings came from, I just know that they exist.”

This song was so lingering and incessant, that one can listen to it without end. However, it was such a pity that no one was listening.

No one heard.

No one knew.

*insert meme* They had us in the first half I’m ngl. 😂😂😂

Aaahhhh XYA has finally admitted his feelings for YHQ, and it had to happen when YHQ is unconscious and XYA is going to put himself in danger 😭😭😭💔💔

Footnotes

1. 原来只因已入骨 yuán lái zhǐ yīn yǐ rù gǔ; From the play《牡丹亭》(mǔ dan tíng), “The Peony Pavilion” by (湯顯祖 tāng xiǎn zǔ) Tang Xianzu [1550-1616], from the Ming Dynasty [1368-1644]. The complete sentence is: “The love I feel for you is not shown on the surface, but the yearning has been deeply rooted in my bones”. It refers to someone that doesn’t know when their romantic feelings started, but when they realize, these feelings are deep inside them. They also don’t know why they’re in love, they just know they are.
2. 闲云野鹤 xián yún yě hè; It’s a Chinese idiom, It refers to a person that lives an idle life and is detached from the world affairs. From《全唐诗话》(quán táng shī huà) “Poetry of the Tang Dynasty”, by (尤袤 yóu mào) You Mao [1127-1194] from the Song Dynasty [960-1279].
3. 八苦 bā kǔ; It’s a Buddhist term. It refers to: Birth, old age, sickness, death, parting with the people we love, hatred and bitterness, unattained aims, and the Skandha (Sanskrit name. In Buddhism, it refers to the five aggregates of clinging, which are the five material and mental factors that take part in the rise of craving and clinging, also known as ‘the five factors that constitute and explain a sentient being’s person and personality’. These are: Form, or material image/impression. Sensations, or feelings. Perceptions. Mental activities. And consciousness).

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