How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 58: A Wild Princess Appears

Thank you, Daddy, said the Princess. Youve brought him to me to be punished.

Now, now, Weve spoken to you about this before, said the King. You cant go around putting a price on the head of everyone who annoys you. We wouldnt have anyone left in the kingdom to rule over.

She came stomping across the room. This isnt like the other times. Injuring a member of the royal family is a capital offence. Isnt that right, Semion?

Semion  nodded. Yes, Your Highness, it is. Have you been injured by this young man?

Yes! proclaimed the Princess. He hurt my feelings.

Ah, said Semion, Im afraid that doesnt

And, he threatened me.

Oh, said Semion, looking at me. I tried to claim my innocence by rapidly shaking my head at him. That is quite a serious charge. What did he threaten you with?

He said he would ask Daddy for my hand in marriage.

The King spread his arms wide. Laney, please, thats hardly a crime. Most girls would be flattered.

Well, Im not. Once he makes me his wife, he plans to do unspeakable things to me.

Unspeakable things? said the King. What do you mean?

I cant tell you, otherwise they wouldnt be unspeakable, would they?

I breathed a sigh of relief. I really didnt want her reeling off a list of sordid acts shed pulled from her deranged fantasies.

Thats why Ive written them all down. She pulled out a scroll and unfurled it. The parchment reached down to her knees and was covered in scratchy writing. How long had she taken to come up with all that? She handed it to Semion.

He took it from her and read the first few lines, and then recoiled in horror. Your Highness, where did you even learn these words? This is disgusting.

I know, right? She seemed pleased he agreed with her. Thats why he has to be locked up.

However, continued Semion, if he were to perform these acts with you after you were married, they wouldnt be illegal.

What? Are you saying married people actually do those things?

Well, only if theyre very flexible, but the point is we cant arrest a man based on what he might do in the future, especially if it isnt actually a crime.

Could I say something? I felt it was time to put an end to this discussion. I didnt actually say I was going to ask for the Princesss hand in marriage. I asked Commander Ducane if it was possible to ask the King for such a reward, but I said to marry a princess, I didnt mention anyone by name.

Yes, but we all know you meant me. I am the best-looking princess in the kingdom. She pointed at herself. Obviously you would want to get your depraved hands on some of this. You pervert!

We dont think that is the case, said the King. Colin here has just asked for Our favour, and he did not ask for your hand.

This caught the Princess by surprise. He didnt? What did he ask for?

Some land, said the King, so he could build a cabin and do an extraordinary amount of fishing.

The Princess turned her face towards me and glared. Why? Why wouldnt you ask for my hand if you could? Whats wrong with me? Her voice was much quieter than before, and much more unnerving in its intensity.

Nothing, I said. Youre just not my type. I thought this would be a fairly acceptable answer. Its not like people expect you to explain your tastes. Not sane people, anyway.

Do you think Im stupid? screamed the Princess. Tell me exactly what you find unattractive about me. Now!

Both the King and Semion were vigorously shaking their heads at me.

Its not that you arent attractive, I said, its just that youre too young for me. Thats all.

She narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. Are you some kind of idiot? Were not savages who marry off children. Obviously wed have to wait for my fourteenth birthday. Thats what engagements are for. But you clearly have other issues with me and I want to know what they are. And then, in the blink of an eye, the craziness disappeared and she seemed a serious, concerned young woman. Look, I know what people think of me. The wild child who creates chaos wherever she goes. I dont have any friends, no one to turn to or tell my troubles. You think I want to be like this? But how am I supposed to improve as a person if no one ever tells me what Im doing wrong? My position makes it impossible for them, but youre different. You like insulting people. So tell me.

She spoke with sincerity and heartfelt emotion. I didnt buy it for a second.

Youre right, I do have a problem with you. Many problems. Your faults are endless. But I know if I tell you, youll just get mad and probably have me assassinated. Theres no upside for me, so youll have to find another way towards self-improvement.

Thats fair. I can see why you would doubt me. But I give you my word, if you honestly and openly speak the truth to me, that I, Princess Laney of the House of Randall, will not harm you in any way. And if I break my word, I will give you ownership of my horse, Durbin, who I treasure above all other things. You have the King and his Chancellor as witnesses to this promise.

It is true, said the King, that her horse means more to her than anything. He leaned towards me and whispered out of the side of his mouth. Dont do it, its a trap.

I can also attest that the Princess would never do anything to risk losing her precious steed, said Semion. He leaned closer on my other side. Its definitely a trap, back out now.

I had no doubt she wasnt to be trusted. Just because she didnt intend to harm me herself didnt mean she couldnt get someone else to do it. Or she could just be lying. Its not like shed be able to give me her horse if I was dead.

Youre not a very nice person, Laney. Youre mean and youre cruel and you treat people badly. And your sense of fashion makes me jealous of blind people.

The King placed a hand over his eyes and shook his head. Semion took a step away from me.

Yes, yes. Laney folded her arms and nodded. Carry on.

But your main problem is that you have no sense of humour. I raised a hand to stop the objection forming on her lips. No, wait, just because you laugh at others doesnt mean you have a sense of humour. You also have to be able to laugh at yourself. And you take yourself way too seriously.

I see. Thank y

In fact, Id say the reason for your deeply unpleasant behaviour is not because youre a bad person, its probably more likely that youre just scared. Scared of what people think of you. Scared of not being good enough. So scared, you scream and shout and wear ridiculous outfits to try and distract everyone from seeing the real you.

Well, okay, I think youve made your

Your behaviour is childish and you need to grow up, but you refuse. Thats why it doesnt matter how long an engagement we might have, I doubt youll ever be anything other than a big baby.

I had tried my best to goad her into hitting mea bloody nose would be worth it to make her break her promise and give me the upper handbut Princess Laney didnt look upset. Her face was serene, her eyes were thoughtful and her mouth was relaxed. Thank you for being honest and telling me these things to my face. I am very grateful to you. She turned to her father and said very calmly, Id like you to execute him.

Hey, hey, I said. I thought you werent going to harm me.

I said I wouldnt and I wont. My father made no such promise.

No, not allowed, I said. Referee! Foul play! Thats not how it works. If you get someone else to do your dirty work for you, youre still responsible. Right? I looked at the King. The King looked at Semion.

Ah, yes, said Semion. Technically speaking, any attempt to coerce others to cause harm to Colin constitutes the breaking of your promise.

She turned to the King. Daddy, youre supposed to be on my side. She pointed at me. Order him to be taken to the dungeons.

Now, Laney, you know we dont have any dungeons. And the City Jail is quite full enough as it is. This isnt one of your storybooks, this is the real world, and here you have to keep your word or people will lose faith in you.

Ill take the horse to go, thanks, I said.

What? Why? I didnt do anything to you.

No, but you tried. Just because you didnt succeed doesnt mean you did nothing wrong. I have witnesses, remember? The horse is mine.

The Princess looked from the King to Semion and then back to me. Her eyes were widening into their manic phase. I took a step back in anticipation of the imminent explosion. She grabbed her hair on either side of her head and screamed. And then charged at me. Just as she was about to grab me by the neck, I said, Touch me and youll only confirm your broken promise.

She stopped with her fingers millimeters from my throat. She bared her teeth and hissed at me, but came no closer. Then she collapsed to the ground and started beating the floor with her fists.

The sound of her wailing echoed around the vast room. I didnt really know how to handle a teenager having a tantrum. I looked at Semion for assistance, but hed suddenly become interested in something on the far wall. The King wasnt much help ether, he just gave me an embarrassed smile and put his hands behind his back as if to say, you first. Even the demon-masked soldier closest to us seemed to give me a shrug.

You know, I said, I dont really want your horse.

She stopped pounding and looked up at me, her face streaked with tears.

The truth is, I dont even know how to ride. So, Ill let you have the horse back in exchange for three requests.

What kind of requests? she asked suspiciously. Her eyes drifted over to the scroll she had given Semion, which he still held in his hand.

I followed her gaze and when I realised where it had landed, I threw up my hands. No...Dont even It wont be anything on your list, I can promise you that. In fact, Semion, please destroy that piece of paper.

Gladly, said Semion.

The first thing I want you to do is have all the posters of me taken down, immediately.

She nodded. She seemed somewhat placated, but I still felt like she was thinking of ways to have me dealt with. All right. Whats the second thing?

I havent decided yet. But as an insurance measure, if I do happen to meet an untimely death, the horse is to be killed.

Her mouth fell open. How is that fair? You could die any time with me having nothing to do with it.

True, but those are my conditions. Lose the horse or tie its fate to mine. Your choice.

Fine," she said bitterly. Anything else?

No, thats it for now. Although I was wondering I turned to the King. Do you have a library here?

Certainly, said the King. One of the finest.

Do you think I could have a look?

Yes, We think that would be no problem. Laney, why dont you show your friend the library.

He isnt my friend, she said, practically spitting the words. She looked at me. Is this one of your requests?

No, said the King, this is a request from your king. Its the least you can do after what you put this young man through. Now, Semion, are we done for the day.

Actually, there is one more group waiting to see you, said Semion.

Really? We were starting to get a little peckish. Have they been waiting long?

Since this morning, my liege.

Well, Im sure they wont mind waiting till after lunch. He set off towards a side door, which one of the giant guards suddenly ran toodd seeing such a big hulk skipping along like thatand opened. Laney, do your duty, he called out over his shoulder before exiting.

Yes Daddy, said the sullen Princess. She stood up and sneered at me. Follow me. She marched out of the door at the back of the room with me trotting to catch up

This library, does it have any books about magic?

She stopped and looked at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world. Well, obviously. What else would books be about?

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