Gift of the Unicorn

8. Growing Faun

Iseut was alone in the shrine. She was on her knees in front of the altar, praying for strength from whatever gods or spirits might be around to answer. When she got back, she was going to tell Rohesia the truth. Worst-case scenarios played in her head. Ro might kick her out, might even go to her father and tell him everything.

The longer she put off facing Rohesia, the harder things would be. Iseut felt bad. Ro had been counting on Iseut to take over the squad for her. She thought that Iseut could be strong. And now Iseut was going to admit to just being a disappointment.

“Hello… Miss Unicorn Lady?”

Iseut blinked and turned around. Standing there was a small sunburned child with a ribbon in their hair, wringing their hands. When they saw that Iseut was watching, Diot gulped and waved.

“Can I talk to you?” they asked.

“Of course,” Iseut said, patting the ground next to her.

Iseut let out a long breath. This would be a welcome distraction from what she had to do next. And Iseut had promised Diot they could talk whenever Diot needed her.

Diot got comfortable on the floor and took a deep breath.

“I think I want to be a boy,” they said, not looking at Iseut directly.

Iseut nodded.

“How do I do that?” Diot asked.

“I don’t really know,” Iseut admitted, “How would your parents react to hearing you say that?”

“They say that they want me to be happy,” Diot said, frowning, “But I’m nervous.”

“I would be too. But if you want people to treat you as a boy, you’ll need to tell people. Your parents will have to get you new clothes, and cut your hair, and tell people to call you a boy… do you think they’ll do that?”

“I think so.”

They were quiet for a moment, then Iseut asked, “How do you know that you want to be a boy, Diot?”

“Um…” Diot scrunched up their face, thinking intensely. “I like playing with boys. I want short hair, and don’t like wearing dresses. I don’t really like being called a girl. And when I grow up, I want to be like my dad and not my mom.”

“What do you mean?” Iseut asked.

“I’d rather be a daddy and not a mommy,” Diot clarified.

“That’s… quite a lot,” Iseut muttered, “It definitely sounds like you want to be a boy. Do your parents know any of this?”

Diot shook their head.

Iseut asked, “If you tell them, will they believe you? Do they usually believe you when you tell them things?”

“Yeah, they believe me,” Diot said, “Do you think they’ll let me be a boy?”

“I hope so,” Iseut said, frowning, “Is that what you really want?”

Diot smiled broadly.

“It is,” they decided, standing up, “Thank you, Unicorn Lady.”

“I’m glad I could help,” Iseut said, heart melting a little.

Diot paused, looking thoughtful, then pulled the ribbon out of their hair. They held it out for Iseut to take it.

“Here, you can have this,” they said, “I won’t need it anymore.”

Iseut chuckled and took the ribbon in her own hands.

“Thank you,” she said.

Diot nodded and turned around, scampering out of the shrine. Iseut watched them go, grinning stupidly. Then her smile faded and she curled up to think.

There had been all sorts of signs for Diot that made them want to be a boy. And Iseut couldn’t help but think back to her own childhood. She’d always preferred to play with girls instead of boys. Iseut would always fight against getting her hair cut. She didn’t remember wanting to dresses and skirts, but a memory surfaced of her envying the other girls and how they got to play with dolls together. At the time, she thought she was just lonely. Nobody ever had to chastise her for wanting to play with dolls; she knew that boys weren’t supposed to.

“Have I been a girl all along?” she asked the altar.

There was no response. She gripped the ribbon in her hands tightly. All this time, and she never realized it? Was that the truth? Had she only gotten to see the unicorn because she was a girl this whole time?

“And people still think I’m going to give this up,” she remembered, scowling.

No, Aldith was on her side. Iseut had the advantage. Even if everyone else in the village was against her being a girl, she didn’t have to go back to being a man. She’d convince them all, one by one if she had to. Rohesia, Morris, even her own father…

“No point in putting it off,” she decided, standing up.

She hadn’t gotten a straight answer from the altar, but she definitely felt like she got what she was looking for.

Iseut stood outside Rohesia’s front door for a while, her stomach in knots. When she entered, Rohesia was at her stove stoking the little fire. Rohesia looked back at her but didn’t say anything.

Dinner was meat and vegetables. Iseut poked at her meal, but wasn’t very hungry. Rohesia barely looked at her. She didn’t seem angry with Iseut anymore, she just seemed tired.

“Is the squad doing okay?” Iseut asked.

“They’re fine. How’s the food?”

“It’s good,” Iseut replied, taking a small bite, “I was thinking of finding a new place to stay.”

“Randel, you don’t have to do that,” Rohesia said, before sighing, “We’re going to get through this.”

Iseut nodded, pushing food around her plate with the fork.

“Do you still want me to take over the squad?” she asked.

Rohesia didn’t answer right away, then responded, “Maybe not as soon as I had planned.”

“That’s okay,” Iseut told her.

Rohesia’s fork clattered on her plate when she sat it down.

“I thought you’d be more upset,” she said.

Iseut sighed, then clenched her hands into fists and replied, “I don’t want to be a hunter anymore.”

She held her breath. Rohesia didn’t respond immediately, just drummed her fingers on the table. Iseut started to sweat.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rohesia finally said, picking up her fork, “Once you’re a man again—”

Iseut slammed her hands on the table and cried, “I don’t want to be a man again!”

Rohesia pushed her plate away and folded her arms on the table.

“This isn’t who you…” Then she sighed. “Why?”

Iseut started to ramble, “I think I’ve always wanted to be a girl, I just didn’t realize until now. I’m happier like this, even if I can’t ever use a bow again. I like the way I look. I like the thought of people looking at me and seeing a girl. I…”

“Randel—”

“Iseut,” she interrupted, “Like my mother.”

Rohesia studied her for a moment, then continued, “Randel, think about this. You don’t know what it’s like to be a woman. Not really. Trust me, I’ve spent my entire life dealing with it.”

“I know,” Iseut whispered, lowering her watering eyes, “But I love this. I don’t want to lose this. I was talking to one of the kids. He’s like me, but he wants to be a boy instead of a girl. And talking to him reminded me of how much it feels like I’m supposed to be a woman.”

“It just doesn’t work that way,” Rohesia said, her expression softening.

“Why not?”

“It isn’t that easy. Being a woman is really hard, Randel.” Rohesia closed her eyes and shook her head. “I had to work twice as hard as any man to get where I am. And people doubt you, constantly. You’ll always be stuck having to prove them wrong. Being a woman requires more strength, not less, no matter what you might have been taught otherwise.”

Randel lowered her head.

“You don’t think I can do it.”

“I don’t think you understand what you’re asking for.”

“But this is my only chance!” Iseut cried, “If I go back to how I was, I’ll never get to have this body again. I have to commit to it now. I’m strong enough. I know I am.”

Rohesia sighed and turned away from her.

“Maybe you are,” she muttered, “It took a lot of strength to tell me how you felt. Being vulnerable isn’t easy for anybody, and for a woman trust is incredibly important. If I’m being honest, Randel… Iseut… I would never have guessed you’d have that kind of strength in you.”

Iseut’s heart skipped a beat.

“So you mean…?”

“You can still be a hunter as a woman, though.”

“Yeah, I know. I always looked up to you, Ro. But I don’t think I want to do it anymore. I’m sorry.”

“What else are you going to do?”

“I don’t know yet. But I’ll figure something out.”

Rohesia nodded.

“If you want this, then I’ll support you,” she said.

“You will?”

“I will.”

Iseut sprang up from her chair and darted around the table. Rohesia started in surprise. She wasn’t ready for Iseut to grab her in a hug.

“Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Please let go…”

Iseut released Rohesia and sat back down.

Rohesia cleared her throat and added, “But I’m going to insist on giving you more training when we have free time. You need to know how to use your bow, just in case you ever need to defend the town one day.”

“Of course,” Iseut said, but her heart sank a little, “Do you have to be… so strict about it, though?”

Rohesia glanced away and muttered, “I guess I was being a little harsh. Especially when I accused you of thinking that women are weak. I’m sorry for the things I said. It was probably very hurtful. But you’re going to be good by the time that I’m done with you.”

Iseut chuckled.

Iseut slept well that night. In the morning, she opened up her trunk and gingerly removed the special blue dress that Hamon had made for her. For a moment, she just clutched it to her chest and breathed slowly. It fit perfectly. When Rohesia saw Iseut wearing the dress, she chuckled and Iseut blushed fiercely. Iseut mumbled that she had somewhere to go and scrambled to get her boots on.

She passed by a lot of people, but the awkwardness that Iseut used to feel around people was gone. Iseut could walk comfortably around town in a way she couldn’t before. Something about Rohesia’s acceptance of her had given her confidence.

“Hello... Randel?” someone said, pausing when he saw what she was wearing.

“Hello Mr. Wyot,” she replied, grinning, “Do you like my new dress?”

“I… well… you certainly look happy?”

“I am, Mr. Wyot. Thank you.”

Iseut left him with her head held high, humming slightly to herself. She was outside of the tavern before she knew it. Inside, Stace was sitting with a group of other women at a table.

“There you are,” Stace said, “Sit down. These are my friends. This is Eda, Wilmot, and that’s Jocosa.”

“Hello,” Iseut whispered, sitting down and making herself look small.

“You’re the chief’s so— um… daughter?” Wilmot asked, “Isn’t that right?”

Iseut nodded, smiling softly.

“That dress is beautiful on you… Iseut, was it?” Eda said.

She felt her face start to burn and mumbled, “Thank you.”

Jocasa added, “You’re very pretty.”

“Alright,” Stace said, “She’s already overwhelmed. Are you okay, Iseut?”

“I’m fine,” she said quietly, “It’s nice to meet you all.”

Eda asked in a hushed whisper, “So did you really meet a unicorn?”

Iseut chuckled and nodded, then launched into the story. The other three women listened attentively. Slowly, Iseut was able to relax. For the first time in a while it felt like she was actually among friends.

“Are you really staying like this?” Jocasa asked, “Like Stace said?”

“I am,” Iseut admitted, squirming a little.

“Have you told everyone?” Wilmot asked.

“Not yet,” Iseut admitted, “I still have to tell my father. It won’t be easy. But if I can convince him most people should follow his lead.”

“He won’t support you?”

“That’s a shame.”

“What about your mother?” Eda asked.

Iseut lowered her head. She heard Stace hiss something, but didn’t pay attention. Even all these years later it still stung to think about her mother.

“I’m sorry,” Eda said, “I’d forgotten.”

“It’s okay,” Iseut insisted.

“But you’re living with your father, right?” Jocosa asked, frowning, “You’re not staying in a bunkhouse with a bunch of guys, are you?”

“No, I’m staying with Rohesia. The archery captain. In her little house.”

The three women exchanged a long glance, before Wilmot said, “You know… we’d have to ask the others sharing the bunkhouse with us, but we still have an extra bed if you’re interested.”

“Since you’re staying like this anyway,” Eda said, “You’ll need a place to stay.”

Jocasa finished, “If you’re a friend of Stace, you’re definitely trustworthy enough.”

“What do you say?” Stace asked.

Iseut smiled softly and shrank down in her seat.

“I appreciate the offer,” she said, “But I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

“Oh?”

She nodded and continued, “People in town still don’t really see me as a woman yet. I just think that it could create some problems. I wouldn’t be comfortable living with other women until I know that I’m not going to have any problems because of it.”

Eda shrugged and muttered, “That makes sense, I guess. A shame, though.”

“So,” Wilmot said, “What have you been doing now that you’re a woman?”

“A little bit of everything,” Iseut replied, “I was helping various people around town. Now I’m helping Hamon, the tailor, with some of his projects, and he made me this dress in thanks. And Aldith is also starting to teach me some witchcraft too.”

The three women shared a glance and snickered.

“What?” Iseut asked.

Wilmot answered, “Sorry, it’s just that we tease Stace for that all the time.”

Stace added, “Hopefully, now I won’t have to bear all the teasing alone.”

The group burst into laughter, and Iseut joined in. She felt… relaxed in a way that she normally wasn’t with her male friends. It had been so long since she had any friends who were women. Iseut hadn’t realized how much she missed it until right now.

Eda was the first to leave, followed by Wilmot. Jocosa and Stace carried on talking for a while while Iseut listened in. Jocosa was talking about her parents and Stace was nodding along. Eventually Iseut stood up.

“I need to go face my father,” she declared.

Stace nodded and gave her a firm smile, then asked, “Do you want me to come with you?”

Iseut thought it over for a moment, then shook her head.

“It’s better if I do it alone. I need him to respect me as an equal, and that’s going to be hard enough as it is. If you’re there, he’s going to think I’m leaning on you.”

“Good luck,” Jocosa said.

“Thank you.”

Iseut was wringing her hands as she left the tavern. She took a deep breath and whined. What was she going to do? There was no point in waiting, so Iseut started trudging toward the Grand Hall. He’d hear about her new dress soon enough, the way that gossip spread around this little village.

She was breathing heavily when she entered the front room of the Grand Hall. Iseut’s pulse was pounding in her ears. There were other people here, and they were staring at her. Quickly, Iseut took the ribbon Diot had given to her from her pocket and wrapped it around her hand, clenching it for strength.

“Are you okay, miss?” someone asked, and Iseut just pushed past them.

“Father!” she cried, entering the main hall.

Several of the chairs around her father were occupied by important members of the town, who all looked up at Iseut when she burst in.

“What is it, boy?!” Hann bellowed, standing up, “You’re interrupting something.”

She replied in a small voice, “I need to speak with you… alone.”

For a moment, she thought Hann would send her away. Then he gestured her to follow and headed quickly for a nearby door. Clutching the folds of her dress in sweaty hands, Iseut followed. They entered the empty kitchen and Hann closed the door.

“What are you wearing, boy?” he growled.

“It’s a dress I helped to make, father,” she replied, grabbing it tighter, “I like the way it feels to wear.”

“Return home and put on some normal clothes,” Hann said, softer than Iseut had expected.

She shook her head. Iseut’s mouth was dry. She tried to swallow and failed. Rohesia had told her that it required a lot of strength to be vulnerable. Iseut needed to be strong to face her father.

“I don’t want to go back to being a man,” she said. Hann opened his mouth to reply, but Iseut continued, “I’m happy now in a way that I wasn’t before. The thought of going back to the way I used to look fills me with dread.”

“You’re not thinking straight,” Hann replied, shaking his head and folding his arms, “You’re mind is addled by the effects of magic. Once you go back to the way you’re supposed to be, you’ll realize that you never truly wanted this.”

Iseut groaned, then took a seat.

“No,” she said, “If I change back, I won’t ever have this opportunity again. I’ll still be a woman at heart but stuck with a big, hairy, ugly body I’m not happy with.”

“You can’t stay like this.”

“Why not?!”

“It’s not right!” Hann cried, turning red in the face, “This isn’t who you’re supposed to be. If you were supposed to be a girl, you would have realized it before now. And in the long run, you won’t be happy with this decision.”

Iseut protested, “There were always signs. I just didn’t realize them. Remember how I used to always play with other girls?”

“Other girls? Randel, you’re my son! You always have been. I would know if you weren’t.”

“I am not your son!” Iseut cried, standing back up, “And… I want to be called Iseut. After my mother.”

Hann paused, as if struck. Then his face contorted in anger.

“How dare you disrespect your mother like this, boy,” he growled.

“You named me after your father,” Iseut shot back.

Hann turned around and walked away from Iseut. For a moment, he stood just facing the wall. Then he rammed his fist into the wall before turning back to face Iseut.

“When the witch figures out how to turn you back, you’re going back to being a man. This fantasy has gone on for long enough. If you try to follow this path, I will not support you.”

“I won’t do it,” Iseut said. She couldn’t look directly at him, but she wouldn’t let him have the last word. “This is who I am now. And I like myself better this way.”

She opened the door and walked out while Hann seethed quietly. Iseut didn’t look at any of the assembled villagers still sitting at the big table. It didn’t matter what they thought of her.

As soon as she was outside, Iseut let go of a deep breath. Every part of her was shaking. Her father was mad at her. Iseut’s life might get a lot harder from here on out.

But she’d stood up to her father. She felt good.

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