Double-Blind: A Modern LITRPG

Chapter 224

Before

A puff of air stirred Nicks eyelashes, and he grimaced, letting out a groan and pressing the side of his head deeper into the pillow. Hazy tendrils of exhaustion pulled him back towards the throes of unconsciousness as sleep prepared to take him once more.

Another puff, lower. He wrinkled his nose and blindly seized a pillow, placing it over his head.

A thread of merry laughter banished the haziness in his mind. He blinked away the sleep, a pair of deep-blue eyes slowly shifting into focus. Jinny stretched forward, and soft lips kissed his forehead.

Good morning, sweet prince.

Nick blinked several times, memories of the last day slowly coming back to him. Hi.

Jinny snorted. Hi, he says.

The more the memories came into focus, the less sense they made. Sorry. Nick pushed himself up onto one elbow and looked around. They were at his Aunts house, which lined up with the last thing he remembered. But Uh. Im a little disoriented.

Sure. Jinny said. Nick had always thought she was beautiful, but it was her presenceher wisdom, the way she talked to you like you were the only other person in the worldthat utterly enthralled him. And now that presence was close enough that it was making his head spin.

Well, it was going to sound stupid no matter how he phrased it.

Are you a wizard?

Jinny laughed, and despite his confusion, Nick chuckled with her. Did we really go out for ice cream, wake up in some dingy maintenance tunnels and fight actual goblins with fantasy weapons, come back here and call everyone we knew only for them to call us insane, then passionately consummate our relationship? Or did I get a serious concussion somewhere down the line?

Wow. Jinny cushioned her face with a hand. I cant believe ice cream and passionate consummation ranks higher than the obvious. She pointed towards the foot of the bed.

Obvious what? Nick asked. He peeked under the covers. Welp. Im definitely naked.

Your leg.

Oh. Oh. Nick shuffled off the covers in a hurry and gaped at what had once been a source of never-ending hardship. The muscles of his bad-leg were no longer atrophied and shriveled. The only remaining evidence was several patches of scar tissue, the badges of several surgeries. He took a deep breath.

And stood.

No pain. Not completely convinced, he walked in a small circle. Again, it didnt hurt. He hopped in place several times, waiting for the telltale ache.

Nothing.

Its real. It actually happened. Andwhat? He asked. Jinny had covered all but a single eye with one hand, her face and neck flushing increasingly red. Her one visible eye flicked down.

Nick snatched the duvet from where it fell on the ground, quickly wrapping it around his waist. He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. Sorry.

Its fine. Im fine. Jinny fell back into the mattress, staring at the ceiling. We had quite the day.

Yes we did. Nick sat on the edge of the bed, his mind sputtering to take it all in. It was easier than the previous day, but there was still a part of him that wondered if he was going insane. He glanced at Jinny, uncharacteristically at a loss for words. Did you, uh, hear from anyone?

Jinny shook her head. No. Caught up on a few of my group chats this morning, but the meteors still all anyones talking about. Nothing about goblins or lizard people. And She wrinkled her nose.

What? Nick asked.

Its stupid.

Its not stupid if its bothering you.

Yes, youre very smooth. Jinny tilted her head and gave him the most sultry look hed ever seen in his life. Nick caught himself just shy of falling off the edge. But it feels petty to talk about in the wake of everything going on.

Nick shrugged. Considering how batshit insane the last twenty-four hours have been, I feel like we could probably use some normalcy. Even if it is petty.

Fine. Jinny sighed. We were spotted leaving school together, yesterday.

Even a comet doesnt stop the rumor mill, huh? Nick joked, but the joke fell short. He was worried. Jinny was one of his oldest friends and one of the few who remained. And theyd crossed the line last night in a big way. There were mitigating factors, of course. Neither of them were in a good state of mind by the time theyd worked through their contact lists, and after shed kissed him, everything that followed was frantic and primal, two people desperately trying to make sense of a world that had gone completely off the rails.

These things happened. But in Nicks experience, that excuse didnt prevent previously functional relationships from being altered or sometimes damaged when sex was involved.

Uh. He rubbed his shoulder, suddenly cold, searching for words beneath Jinnys insightful gaze. Everything got a little crazy. We were both freaking out. All things considered, I wouldn't blame you at all if youyou knowwanted to forget that this happened.

Jinny blinked. I set a giant centipede on fire with my mind. Not sure theres any forgetting that.

I meant the naked bits.

Oh. Jinny said. An awkward silence swelled up between them until it was almost too much for Nick to bear. Im alright with it being a one time thing.

Of course. Nick said automatically, doing everything he could to hide the disappointment that crashed over him.

Ive always thought we were pretty compatible. But you started dodging me after your injury, then I met someone

Definitely compatible. Wait. What?

And now theres meteors and magic out of nowhere

when did I dodge you? Nick interjected, struggling to keep up.

and if you look at everything altogether, it seems like a decent chance this is the start of something bighopefully not bad, but big, so its probably not a good time to start a relationship. Jinny finished thoughtfully. Not to mention, my mom would kill me.

Again, the awkward silence. But this time, Nick understood why. Hed done the same thing dozens of times. She was giving him an out. In case it really was a one time thing, or he got caught up in the moment and regretted it after.

Only, he didnt regret it. Not even a little.

Feeling slightly manic, Nick laid back down beside her, taking care to make sure his blanket-wrapped waist stayed covered. Counterpoint?

Go ahead. Jinny hid a small smile.

If we both think were compatible, and this is the start of something big wouldnt it be great if we started it together? Nick asked, floating the idea as casually as he could manage.

For a moment, Jinny said nothing. As much as Id like that Ive got some baggage.

Same.

Her voice took on a serious air. I mean it, Nick. This might not end well.

And won't you tell me what it is? The baggage?

Jinny shook her head.

Thats fair. Nick thought about it. What sort of damage could it do? To us?

Lets Jinny blew air out through her teeth. Lets just sayhypothetically

Nick nodded.

I had some sort of health condition. And I could be fine and live forever or be a complete dumpster fire and die tomorrow. Would you still want me? Even knowing what I might put you through? Jinny looked down, a curtain of hair obscuring her face.

A surge of worry shot through Nick. She just looked so unsure and crestfallen. He wasnt worried for himself, of course. More concerned about her, mainly because whatever she was hinting at seemed serious, nothing like what he expected from these sorts of conversations. He remembered her visits to the rehab center, and to his aunts house after. Long nights of hanging out in the living room watching movies and being comfortable in her presence, no expectations, no self-consciousness, no anxiety.

Girl. Nick sighed. Id swipe right on you if you were pushing a hundred and I had to break you out of the retirement home every go-round.

Jinny choked a laugh. You cant mean that.

Damn straight I can. Nick took her hand. Hell, even if we just had tomorrow thatd still be worth it. Every day I get after that, I might as well be winning the lottery.

Nick wrapped his arms around her, as Jinny pressed her head into his neck and kissed him lightly on the collarbone. Promise you wont regret it?

He promised.

/////

Nick started awake, the pain in his chest seizing. He grimaced, grasping at his shirt, rocking back and forth until it receded. Theyd thrown him in here days ago. A bare stone room with a slot at the base of the door, where his food was delivered. Hed refused to eat and drank as little as possible, though despite the austere nature of the prison, the food itself smelled quite good. That worked for a while, because the pain in his stomach distracted him from the hole in his chest, the near-literal manifestation of loss.

His surroundings shifted and blurred. When they came back into focus, his prison was cylindrical, rather than square, a circle of desiccated soil beneath him, decrepit crumbling bricks formed the rounded surface that rose all the way to the open top.

He was in the well again. The same well he fell into as a child, when his parents had moved from Oregon to Dallas, shortly before their divorce. Hed found his way out on his own back in middle-school, only to fall back in after the doctors told him hed never walk unassisted again. The walls had been taller than the first time then, and they were even taller now.

Well. A voice said from nowhere. Nick started, turning to take in a thin, well-dressed man with a ponytail. He was wearing dark dress-pants and a black button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, accented by a light purple vest. His head tilted upward, and he studied the opening of the hole with detached interest. A little on the nose, but accurate enough.

Who are you? Nick licked his parched lips. They felt like sandpaper against his tongue.

Have you ever tried just climbing out? The man mused, continuing on as if he hadnt heard. In your head, I mean. Wonder if that would work.

No. Sometimes I get close. Sometimes I can hang on, close to the top, but I always fall, eventually.

The man turned to Nick with a quizzical look, pointing upwards. You know theres medication for this.

Nick shook his head. Everything hed tried either didnt work, worked for a little while and stopped working, or had side effects worse than the symptoms.

The man inclined his head. Okay. Fine. Then whats the plan, Stan? Youre too stubborn to kill yourself, but if you keep refusing food, thats gonna happen, anyway.

Something about how casually the man was talking about this rubbed Nick the wrong way, though he couldnt explain why. And just as quickly, any irritation he felt ebbed away to nothing. It didnt matter. Nothing mattered here.

Im tired. Nick said, hoping the man would take a hint and leave him alone.

I know. The man looked at him with sympathy. Not pity. Sympathy.

Who are you? Nick asked again.

Youre not gonna like it. The man warned.

Who are you?

The retainer in violet. Or Hastur, if you prefer. The de facto patron of the Order of Parcae. You know them as the suits.

Nick breathed in sharply. He hadnt minded the mans presence before, but now that he knew, a numb stab of anger grew within him like a sliver under a fingernail. Get out.

See, this is why I didnt want to tell you.

GET OUT Nick bellowed, the sudden harshness of his voice echoing, bouncing upwards towards the opening. Rather than move, or react, or argue, Hastur shoved his hands in his pockets and waited.

Hours passed, dragging into what felt like days. Any anger Nick felt slowly drained away into numbness, and he felt the slightest tinge of spite.

Do you enjoy this

No. Hastur interjected

Lording over some pathetic fuck, reveling in your own superiority?

Think youve got me confused with your patron, but Ill let that go

Fuck. You. Nick spat, a glob of saliva that landed at Hasturs feet.

What happened to your friend, shouldnt have happened, Hastur said. Wary, Nick searched his expression for any glibness or condescension, finding none. And if I could bring her back right now, I would.

Coulda woulda shoulda. Nick laughed. It was a harsh sound.

Fair enough. Hastur extended his hands to his sides and let them drop. Good intentions mean little in the grand scheme. And I should know. After all, my intention was to derail the entire initiative before it got this far. Regret played across his face.

Before your people started murdering innocent people in tunnels? Nick snarled.

Hastur blinked several times. Well, yes. But not what Im referring to. Right, we brought you in before the first event even started. The god snapped his fingers, and suddenly the well disappeared.

The walls of the well were replaced with a blood-red skyline. They were levitating hundreds of feet in the air, and below them was absolute chaos. Nick gawked, trying to parse it all. Below them, a dozen Users were fighting a giant with all the effectiveness of ants taking on an elephant, their blows and attacks just as effective. The giant stomped down, flattening four of them in an instant. Beyond them, other Users were scuffling with smaller monsters, a few of them fighting amongst themselves. There were so many bodies.

What is this? Nick whispered, fearing the answer.

Not a vision, or a potential future, if thats what youre thinking. Hastur shook his head. This is happening as we speak. Its barbaric. Sickening.

If my friends still alive

Who, Matt? Hastur nodded. Hes still out there. Doing his thing.

Nick closed his mouth, trying not to give anything away.

But he wont last much longer on his own. And no matter how bad this looks, its nothing compared to the second event. As hard as it might be to believe in your current state, the purpose of the Order is instate the courtand as a side effect, stop all this from happening.

Nicks attention snapped to him. Youre right. I dont believe you.

Hastur studied him briefly, then looked away. Would you like to know why the walls keep getting higher?

What walls? Nick asked, confused by the sudden shift in conversation.

Youre already aware of this on some level, but since humans are uniquely adept at ignoring things they know to be true, Ill do you the courtesy of spelling it out. Hastur mused, his calm voice radiating authority. Its a defect. Most beings are products of their environment. Their circumstances. You touch a hot stove, it burns you, you pull your hand back. Next time youll avoid touching the stove at all. Action, reaction, acclimation.

He chuckled and rubbed at the scruff lining his jaw. You should have learned, very early on, that the world is not a kind place. Or a fair one. Your father imparted that lesson well.

Nick froze, a needle of fear worming its way into the base of his neck. Dont

Relax. Hastur shifted his head back and forth. Point is, you should have learned then. Most people would have. But instead of accepting that the wall was just a wall, a natural boundary that simply was, you kept throwing yourself against it. Slicing yourself open and bleeding love and kindness into a world that wouldnt give a rat-fuck if you disappeared tomorrow.

So. I only have myself to blame. Nick laughed. If he was understanding this so-called god correctly, the sentiment was crueler than anything he could have imagined.

Hastur shook his head. To reiterate. Its a defect. One that Im willing to address as part of your compensation.

A burgeoning silence grew between them. Hastur had to know he wanted to ask. And Nick had spent enough time around manipulators to know when he was being baited.

It was Nick that broke first. Compensation?

Hastur smiled and reached out to take Nicks arm. The pain in his chest ceased, like his emotions were sound waves strangled with an anechoic chamber. Nick pulled his arm free and stepped back. He was feeling panic, but it was more muted than usual, less sharp and distracting. What the hell did you do to me?

The god put out a soothing hand, palm out. Alleviated your pain. And presented a modicum of what it would feel like, if you let the ungrounded optimism and idealism go.

Nick tried to ignore it. The voice in his head that told him that this was the first time, possibly ever, hed felt grounded. Unflappable. Even thinking about Jinny didnt hurt as much as it had. The pain was still there, but there was more anger than anything else. It felt

Good.

Youre still human, of course. Tragedy will still hurt you. The highs will be lower, but the lows will be higher. And youll never have to scale the walls again.

As much as he hated himself for his own weakness, Nick wanted it. He was tired of being let down, disappointed, going through the agony of piecing himself back together for it to happen all over again.

Whats the purpose of the Order? Nick asked.

In the long term, to achieve a perfect future. Hastur answered easily. In the short term, to end the initiative before the second transposition event.

Ending the initiative wasnt an issue in Nicks opinion, but the second part gave him pause. Perfect by what metric?

Perfect to each individual human, for most of their lifetimes.

Thats impossible. Nick shook his head.

Its unlikely. Hastur agreed. Thats where I come in. Along with the Order, until theyre superseded by the Court. In the meantime, Ill need to clean house. There are tensions within the order, which has led to aggressive, dangerous mandates. Thats part of what Id like your help with. Reforming the order into a kinder, more benevolent version of itself.

Thought that was a bad thing. Nicks lip curled.

Hastur shook his head. I dont think kindness and benevolence are aspects of weakness in the grand scheme, Nick. But theyre destroying you from the inside. They always have. And if you take advantage of my offer, some part of you would still keep them. They would just be tempered. Manageable.

Nick thought for a long time. And if I told you to take your offer and shove it up your ass? That Im not interested in joining your little cult, and if youre doling out compensation, all I want is Jinny back and nothing else?

Then I will respect your wishes, Hastur said. A moment later, the feeling of despair flooded back, full force, and Nick clutched at his chest, gasping at the pain. With a warning.

What warning. Nick asked through grit teeth.

I can see the threads of different worldsthough youd probably call them timelines. Your friend. Jinny? She had little time left even if she lived through the tragedy. Two months. Three at the most, assuming Metia spared her. And while the order will eventually have the means to bring her back, it wont be long before youre back here. In this place. Hastur ran the tip of his finger across a crumbling bricking, brushing his fingers together and watching the dust as it faded away. And the walls will be ever higher.

Youre lying.

What reason do I have to lie? Hastur asked

Nick tried desperately to hang onto the anger from before. Anything, to distract him from how he was feeling now. But what Hastur was implying lined up with what Jinny hinted at a little too well to be coincidence. Maybe youre right. Maybe Ive been an idiot this whole time. Maybe the world is shit, and youre the only way its ever going to get better. Fine. But I want the crossbowman gone. The one who killed Jinny. I want him fucking dead.

Hasturs eyes lit up. Revenge? Certainly. Youll do that yourself, with my blessing. Hell see no protection from me. But first, I need to know that youre committed. That you want what Im offering.

Nick hesitated. He wasnt expecting Hastur to agree so easily. It seemed too easy somehow, like there was a trap hed missed. Can I think about it?

Certainly. But youll need to stay here until you decide. This isnt a half-in half-out situation, Im afraid.

With that, Hastur left him.

And he didnt come back. As the walls grew taller and the pain metastasized, Nick slammed his head backwards into the brick wall. Eventually even the physical pain didnt help. He screamed for Hastur and received no answer.

Finally, after what felt like eons, Hastur returned.

I cant. Nick whimpered. I cant take it anymore.

Tell me what you want. Hastur prompted. He was going to make Nick say it.

Nicks stomach churned, and he blinked away tears. His mind turned once again towards Jinny, then to the images of the transposition. If I accept your gift. In this perfect future will it actually make a difference? Make me better at helping people? If I can just turn it all off and do what needs to be done?

He jumped, as a hand settled on his head, cold and comforting in equal measure. My dear boy. With my help you will save more lives than you can count. Ill hone the power within you and forge a blade sharper than any sword. A heros blade. And you will forge your own legend.

What do I have to do? Nick asked. Hed do almost anything if he didnt have to feel this way anymore.

Hasturs voice was soothing, almost hypnotic. First, you must harden your heart. Set fire to the bridge at your back and spare no thought to retreat.

And how do I do that? Kill the crossbowman? Nick asked, feeling uncomfortable at the idea now that it was very real.

Hastur shook his head. Killing the one who wronged you isnt enough. You must even the scales. Dirty your hands in a manner that symbolizes your transformation. Only then, will you be free.

The god leaned down low and whispered into Nicks ear. The real threat is not your target, but his brother.

Nick jerked in surprise and stared at Hastur. What?

This initiative is far sloppier than previous iterations. That an Ordinator was assigned at all is evidence enough. But the crossbowman you loathe so dearly is kin to a User who represents far more egregious oversight.

Youre saying his brother is a threat. Nick asked, already feeling completely over his head.

In his current form, he is harmless. Which I suspect, will pose more difficulty for you than if he was a monster in human form. But the way his title interacts with certain abilities he will receive, further down the line? He will be a threat to everyone. Even the gods. Hastur shook his head slowly.

Whats his name? Nick swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry.

Hastur chuckled. You never asked the crossbowmans name. I wonder why that is. When Nick didnt respond, he gave a half-nod. His name is Keith. As ordinary as his appearance, Im afraid.

And youre certain? Nick asked. That hes as big of a threat as you think?

Hastur's eyes were fathomless. The question is, whether you can become the man you wish to be. Capable of abandoning your childish idealism and placing the needs of the many over the needs of the few. Dirtying your hands, for the sake of the people you care about.

There were a million reasons to say no. There had to be. But at that moment, Nick couldnt think of them. The pain in his chest throbbed, intensifying. And beyond Hasturs patient gaze, he saw the walls growing ever higher.

If you need more time Hastur began.

Nick answered before the words fully formed in his mind. Ill do it.

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