Chapter 854: Where did I go wrong? (3)
"It was all a mistake…I-I was wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. I cannot see Yating's face. I don't want to see his face anymore…" she was looking down and murmuring to herself.
Then she suddenly jolted and grabbed Gu Rong's shirt. "Let's…let's not keep Yating with us. Y-you understand right? I cannot bear to see his face s-so…"
Gu Rong could only throw her a blank stare.
"...Not my son? What are you even talking about?"
"It was a mistake, Rong…" she shook hard. "I do-don't know why I did that. I really don't know! At first, it felt really being with you…" she tremblingly smiled, recalling the past days. "But th-then you married me but you had to throw away your family for that. I…I felt so guilty.
I didn't know what to do. Your father a-also interfered in your business and it-it was only because of me, right?"
She shook him hard as if trying to prove her point.
"He was so against me that he wanted to prove that I am n-not right for you. I felt even more guilty. You were working so hard yet nothing was working out because of your father. B-But it wasn't because of him. It was because of me! I was the villain in everybody's eyes!" Her hoarse voice quivered as tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Then our financial situation be-became so bad at one point that I had to bear the expenses with my salary…"
She quickly followed it with, "But I was happy. Re-really! After all, we are husband and wife. We should support each other's tough times. But then…"
Luo Liuxian shuddered with her face growing paler. "Word w-went out in my office that I am running my house with my money. That my husband was actually a loafer just fooling around. E-everybody was mocking me. Everybody was pitying me. I-I did declare that they were wrong!" She exclaimed suddenly and breathlessly.
She held his face, her misty eyes reflecting her desperation for his understanding.
"But nobody believed me. T-they kept laughing at me be-behind my backs. It was so hard working there…because everybody thought that h-how could the heir of Gu family face a-any financial trouble? He cannot be so incapable and useless, right? B-But then…"
She breathed hard, continuing with difficulty through her crying gasps. "Our financial situation k-kept getting worse and worse. My salary was barely enough a-and it put so much pressure on me! I know…I know you were working hard but I was still feeling all the burden! I f-felt so useless. And then I started to feel that why were you so useless!?"
Gu Rong didn't respond. He simply listened to what she had to say.
"It's just that a-all these negative thoughts started invading me…
How much more do I have to bear these pitiful looks and insults?
How much more do I have to squeeze myself dry out of the money I earn?
Why is it taking you so much time to set up your business? Why are we living such a hard and compromised life? Why is it so hard for you to fight back your father? Y-you are supposed to be so capable right? You are smart and intelligent. I felt my future was safe with you but then why was the reality so opposite!!!?"
Luo Liuxian exhaled deep breaths, the world spinning in front of her eyes. She didn't want to express these ugly feelings but it was as if her heart had reached a tipping point. The buried and hidden emotions swelled out of her like a wave gushing through.
"A-amidst all this madness…there was only one friend wh-who showed his full support to me," she sniffled. "He was the only one who wanted to understand my situation. H-He was there for me in my hard times…He was the only one I f-felt relieved to be with. He e-even gave me his own salary at times when I felt short."
Gu Rong didn't respond.
"Nobody judged me when I was with him…But I was always the villain in your family's eyes. I snatched their son for money. I fooled him into marrying me and n-now he was suffering because of me…I made him so helpless that he couldn't even set up his business a-and make a name for himself. I was the cause for all. But he…understood me through all that."
Luo Liuxian broke down.
"But you have to trust me, Rong! I felt terrible…I…I couldn't believe what I did. I couldn't believe I dropped to such a despicable level…I l-let my weakness overwhelm and betrayed you, but I felt guilty! Because I know…I always knew that whatever you were doing was for us…You were fighting so hard for my sake.
I understood it all b-but the circumstances…your father's hatred, the money problems, the mocking…everything was so hard…so hard to take…"
Her black irises turned glassy as she whispered. "And then I found out that I was pregnant…But I didn't know who the father was."
She clutched her head as if falling into an abyss. "I felt…so pathetic. So disgusting. To not know the father of my child…how much worse can I? But I held hope," she nervously laughed. "I mean f-fate cannot be so cruel on me, right?
It ha-has to be your child. Yes, yes. It was your child. It must be your child!
B-but I couldn't get it out of my head! The doubt, the suspicion…what would I do if I aborted but it turned out to be yours? So I had no choice but to wait…Wait till the child will be born and then I would secretly do a paternity test because o-only then I would be able to live guilt-free…It will prove that you are the father. Yes, it was supposed to be that way…"
She looked up at him, her face stained with tears.
"But I was wrong. Fate hates me so much, th-that's why this curse of a child turned out to be his and not yours! And su-suddenly, I couldn't start looking at Yating anymore. Even his sight disgusted me because h-he reminded me of my distasteful betrayal! The part of me falling weak, the part of me doubting your capabilities, the part of me lying to you..."
Tears plopped down on the floor as she clenched her fists. "So I thought that...I won't feel this way a-anymore if-if Yating is no more, right?"
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