My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

Every time Jiang Jinyan gazed at flowers—both here and the cherry blossom trees outside—he would bear this kind of gaze. Joy, tenderness with a hint of sadness and yearning.

He turned to her, and all of those deep emotions dissipated like mere delusions. His eyes curved ever so slightly and the corner of his lips gently lifted. In one glance, it wouldn't look like he was smiling. Only when one stared fixedly into those eyes of his could one catch a hint of smile that was hidden too deeply within. It really made one wonder how strong of an armor he built to cover himself.

Something inside Shi Nian's heart stirred along with those profound thoughts.

"You can keep the cenotaphs here." His voice brought her out of her reverie, and she was ashamed to find that she had been staring intently at his face. Fortunately, he didn't realize. Or maybe, he just didn't have any intention to point it out. "There," He gestured toward the sea of yellow and white flowers, its bright petals swaying and caressing the white daisies beside. "You can keep it there. It's newly bloomed daffodils. New beginning, hope, bravery. The path thee brought forth must be one of happiness. I think it suits you and your sisters very much."

Shi Nian's sight blurred as she stared at the thriving flowers and it took her a while to realize that she was crying. She had never wept before. Not since she followed him here.

But now, as she listened to his even, soft voice enunciated the meaning of this bright yellow and white flowers, crack formed in her defenses and the feelings that she tried so hard to suppress—often in the middle of the night, when she awoke from nightmares—burst forth like an unstoppable tsunami.

She dug into the red soil and planted the self made, crude cenotaph there. Kneeling, she gazed at each of her sister's names and kowtowed three times. Jiang Jinyan stood behind her. Gently accompanying, silently filling the void in her heart. His presence offered immense security to the fifteen years old girl who was left behind alone in this vast world.

A warm touch fell upon her head and the man's deep voice followed. "Grieve. Only with this will you be able to let go of the painful past."

She closed her eyes as warm liquid slid down her cheeks, dripping to her jaw before disappearing into the wet soil.

I wish you all…a hopeful beginning filled with bravery.

Darkness spread through her eyes and a sense of weightlessness attacked her all of a sudden. Shi Nian now realized that she was dreaming but she couldn't wake up. It was so real, too real that she wanted to relish in them a while longer.

She was still kneeling but the location was no longer behind General Jiang's residence.

Her ears were ringing and a familiar, children's song echoed around her.

Kagome kagome/ The bird in the cage;

When, oh when will it come out

In the night of dawn

The crane and turtle slipped

Who is behind you now?

Children's laughter filled her senses and someone exclaimed. "Who is behind you now?!" The question was repeated over and over again, and the childish, sticky voice turned into the kind of inexplicable eeriness that induced fear.

Shi Nian wrapped her arms around her tiny body. She felt herself speak. "Who is it ah? Hmm, let me guess. Is it Xiao Chun?"

She directly peeled open the blindfold around her eyes, a smile beaming on her face as she turned around. Alas, in the next second, she froze.

The children holding hands in a circle around her were all smiling and laughing. Yet there were no eyes on their faces, only empty, void sockets. She screamed in shock but this time, no voice came out of her throat. Darkness descended upon her sight and only the children, cackling and turning around, were left.

"Kagome kagome…" They sang heartily. "The bird in the cage…"

She scrambled back in fear but her back bumped against a solid, hard and chilly wall. All the air seemed like it had been sucked away from her chest to the point where breathing became such a strenuous thing to do. The song reverberated through her ears. "When, oh when will it come out…"

In the far distance, a voice broke through the tight defense, screaming shrilly in desperation. "No, no, I beg you! Kill me! Just kill me!"

Shi Nian's breath got stuck in her throat and she coughed so hard that tears sprung up in her eyes. She lifted her head to find a ray of light shining through in the form of a butterfly. Yet instead of relief, she felt tremendous terror, fear and shiver running down her spine.

All of her cells were screaming in unison; run, run away from here!

The children around her shattered into dust in that exact moment in the form of a million butterflies, their wings flapping crazily in a pure white color and amidst the total darkness, it was akin to the only thing which she could grasp, which could offer her help.

She reached out her hand…

And her eyes snapped open. Shi Nian inhaled sharply. Heartbeat thundered in her ears. Sweat dripped down her body, soaking her pajamas and blanket. Strands of hair stuck onto her face and for a moment, as she looked at the unfamiliar ceiling, she was disoriented and couldn't snap out of it.

Faint light peeked through the gaps of the curtain and birds were chirping incessantly out of her window. It was yet another brand new day.

She fell into a daze and it wasn't until her heartbeat calmed down that she sprung up from her bed and grabbed the notebook and pen on the nightstand. Flipping to a new page, she wrote with trembling hands.

Children. Kagome song. Xiao Chun. Dark room. Butterfly lights. Someone's screaming: kill me.

After that, she flopped back down to the bed, her mind relishing on the good dream of Jiang Jinyan which ended in a bizarre nightmare. She probed blindly for her phone and checked on it. No notification. She opened Weib8 to see the only person whom she was following—Jiang Jinyan's latest post popped up.

Still the picture of daffodils with the apology for retiring.

She mechanically typed her daily greeting onto it.

[Missing You For A Century]: Good morning. I wish you a day full of hope, bravery and happiness. Cheering on you, xoxo

As always, it would sink like a small pebble into the deep trench. Never be seen and noticed. But it's okay. It was her wish to do so. It was the only thing she could do to express the sadness and yearning in her heart upon the dream of the past.

She wondered.

General Jiang, how are you doing now?

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